Ok lovely family. I don't know how familiar this is so I'd like to put it out there for some help. I am at a stage now where I excitedly feel like I've reached the middle ground between all or nothing. And accordingly I want to try and put the pieces of my puzzle together. Because this is both new and old, I am a bit Rusty and awkward. Boundaries for me were very rigid from 22 onwards (when I first entered recovery). Prior to that, I was all the other way, ie couldn't say no. Really honestly couldn't even if it was something I knew I couldn't do. By the age of 24 I was so serious I had no fun at all in my life and this was a five year thing. On the plus side, my friends were totally reliable people. There were only a handful of them but I could trust them with anything at all. Never did I have to think about their motives or dynamics, never was I uncomfortable or obligated in ways I wasn't capable of fulfilling. Looking back, those women must have seen right through all the layers and loved me alot. They were wonderful friends. Two decades older as well. (Wow I'm so grateful right now for the love I had then but couldn't see!). After leaving that life behind and starting again, I never entirely lost the standoffishness of that period. My boundaries were so tight, no one got passed the wall unless I wanted to ensnare them. I also had another child, selfishly entirely for myself with a man I knew would leave me to do it my way and never interfere. I have no illwill towards that man today even though some people perceive it as abandonment, I knew what I wanted and I got it. A child of my own who could never be taken away. Higher power humility insert: child is disabled, child literally will never be away from me. Be careful what you wish for when imposing your will at any cost A4l. I think in a nutshell I went from being completely spineless (though I've always been social justice oriented, challenging inequity without thought since forever, just not for myself) to becoming selfish, closed and very controlling. That bought me back to Alanon because the alcoholic loved one wasn't conforming and infact I, the in control one was completely out of control. Again, grateful for that, I needed to be here. Seven years of marriage later, here I am. I don't want to be saying yes when I mean no, and I don't want to lock myself away from all that is human life for fear of getting hurt. So what I need are some good personal boundaries. My weaknesses are people who have been severely emotionally wounded. I find myself coming to the rescue but the thing is, I need to build my house now (literally) and I need to buy a car. One of my philanthropic endeavors has literally cost me thousands and it is close to a conclusion. This conclusion brings no tangible material benefit to me personally, but on a spiritual level interconnected with my identity as a Polynesian woman, the conclusion is the reward. I'm good with that. Not saying I'd turn down any material bonuses that emerge from that, but it was never pure material reward that motivated me to take it on. I wouldn't do another project similarly out of my own pocket because I can't afford to. Also, I learned that sometimes people choose to stay stuck. And sometimes some people are not worthy of the full beam of my abilities. Not being arrogant, it's just that's what I've learned. So my desire now is to be a part of society as a recovering person with healthy boundaries. Someone who knows how to say no nicely and also who doesn't put their goals aside to help others when they honestly can't afford to. I still want to be a kind and generous person but not at the expense of me and my little family. How have you managed to acheive this balance?