Welcome, and you're right - you DO sound overwhelmed at the moment...

A few thoughts...

1. You have come to the right place, for starters at least.  MIP is a good place, full of well meaning folks who are either in similar situations, or have been there in their pasts, so will share their experience, strength, and hope with you.  Taking this on, all by yourself, is too much

2. Al-Anon will help you greatly, and sorry, but you are not the first person with three kids, nor the first person with an A who doesn't want the world to know.  The honest truth is that Al-Anon is YOUR recovery program, and you definitely need it.  Whether your hubby is willing to deal with his drinking or not is a completely different matter altogether, but I would strongly encourage you to get yourself to meetings.  You'll be amazed at the strength and awareness you'll feel, by hearing others in similar situations, and how they are dealing with similar issues.  The stuff you are going through is eerily similar to what each and every one of us has experienced, and you do NOT have to tackle this journey alone.

3. Good books - there are many great books that can help, including the daily readers, that help ground you and keep your perspective up.  One that I would strongly recommend would be "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.  You will be amazed at how much of your "story" is scattered throughout the chapter of that book.

I wish you well, kudos to you for reaching out and posting, and please keep coming back

Hugs,

Tom

Hta7911 wrote:

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My husband and i have been married 15 years this year. We're 34 &36. He has been drinking since he was a teenager and vodka daily since 2006. Over the past couple of years he drinks a half of 1.75 liters every night. I have no one to talk to because we live in a small town and he's a cop. He use to be fun and spontaneous. But his alcohol is taking over. He is a great husband. Never mean to me, only drinks at home never drinks and drives but, he plans his life around his drinking. We have 3 kids 12, 10 and 8. He gets irritated at everything they do if it messes with his routine. He works night shift so he uses that as an excuse to be lazy and sleep until 8pm for his first drink even on his days off. Its like he doesn't want to deal with life without alcohol. Last night out 13 year old called us to the lake to see his catch. The alligator far he's been wanting to catch forever. He drove down there but was mad and telling us to hurry up because he ruined his first drink. He's a really caring and nice person his first few drinks but then the drunk him comes out. Its so annoying. Our 13 year old sees him drunk all the time and you can see his frustration when dad goes off on him just because he messes with his lazy plans. He sleeps on the couch during the day and turns all the lights off and shuts all the blinds to make his "cave" which makes him happy but I'm dying inside. I love sunshine, traveling and enjoying life and I no longer have a partner. This is not the life i signed up for. He has tried to quit before but he was not happy. He doesnt want to quit. He knows he has a problem but he says that's just who he is. Life isnt fun without drinking. I drink woth him sometimes because that's the only time i get to see him and if I don't im just boring to him. Im a mess. I can't go to al anon meetings due to 3 kids and no one can find out about his drinking. Don't want it to affect his job. I want to leave but I dont want to lose my dream house we just bought with all MY hard work. And I'm not sure how he would react. Me and my kids deserve better but, I still love him for all we have done in the past and even with all his issues he's still a loving husband. Im just overwhelmed a don't know what to do.

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Welcome...if you attend face to face alanon meetings, then you are in the right place, a safe place, a good place to be. In alanon we learn to focus on ourselves, and not the alcoholic, however, while you shouldn' focus on him, you should understand that alcohol, his drinking, his "routine" in and around alcohol has absolutely consumed and has taken over his life. It has become what his life is all about. Everything else just isn't important, or is merely a distraction, from his drinking. Sad, but true. That is part of the disease. You now longer have a husband -- not a real husband, a partner, one who you can share life's moments with, connect with. He is no longer capable of that, as the disease has taken over.

So, what do you do...first, go to face to face alanon meetings. Get past the reasons you can't go -- because what you will find inside the rooms of alanon will help you. It can -- and will -- save your life...if you let it, and if you want it to. Find the time, figure it out, make it not just a priority but a necessity. When the desperation of getting better becomes more powerful than the denial and the reasons you have not to go, then you'll go. Also, it's a safe place. Who you see there, and what you hear there, stays there! For you and others. Don't worry about that. You going to alanon will not affect his job. There will be many other people there who don't want people to find out about their alcoholic and their drinking. Just go! The dream house, your hard work, etc. -- and I am not trivializing it -- is just stuff. It is not worth you being unhealthy, unhappy, and accepting living in an unacceptable life. Most important -- nobody is saying you have to leave. Alanon is not a program that will tell you leave or stay. It will help you get better, get healthy, and you can and will arrive at a point where you can and will make your own decision -- a decision that is best for you, healthy for you, and that is best and healthy for your children. You are not the only person who is "busy" and has "three kids" and can't seem to find the time, or can't have people know, and so on and so on and so on. A woman I know goes to three meetings a week, has a full-time job, is a home-maker, and has seven children, all under the age of 15...and they are home-schooled!!! And she makes 3 meetings a week. Do you want to know how? She makes 3 meetings a week...because she has to!!! Get it? 

Second, when you go, find a sponsor. Read about sponsorship -- and get a sponsor. This person will help you, will be there for you, will provide you with love, friendship, support, perspective, experience, guidance, and so much more. My sponsor saved my life!!! I say that without being melodramatic and without theatrics. He saved my life! I am living an incredible life today because of him and what he did for me. I did the work, but he guided me in doing it. He picked me up when needed, and he pushed me when needed.

Third, start doing the work. Learn about the tools, what they are, how they work, how you should use them. Learn about the mindset, the philosophy behind the tools, the steps, the slogans, and learn how to apply them, work them, use them, practice them. Immerse yourself in the first three steps -- acceptance, surrender, and letting go. That won't mean much to you today, although you may feel you understand what those words mean...but you won't understand how they apply to you, this disease, and what you are going through. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't want to quit. Unfortunately, that's his decision. Not yours. You can't want it more than him. The alcoholic will not stop drinking, will not quit drinking, and will not get better, clean and sober...UNLESS and UNTIL they want to...and there is nothing you can do about that, and there is nothing you can do to make that day come about sooner, or even at all! I am sorry for that cold, hard, reality. However, if you apply the alanon program and start to change -- you change -- then left to his own devices, demise, and living his life, on day, perhaps he will hit his rock bottom and make the decision on his own to get clean and sober. However, there's nothing you can do to cause that -- except change you, and start to work the alanon program.

Please go to face to face meetings. The people in those rooms have seen what you are seeing. They have faced what you are facing. They have gone through what you are going through...and they've made it! They've done it! They got better, got healthy, and are happy with the life they are living. You can have that too...if you go.

All the best.