The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about how many of us have learned not to express our anger, specifically to remain silent (and resentful) instead. The writer describes having grown up in a home with alcoholic parents and violence in the home. Learning that expressing anger equaled abuse, the writer learned to stay silent and communication broke down. This feeling of fear toward authority figures carried into adulthood and the writer was not experiencing healthy interactions with anyone. The program helped sort out these issues through the steps, and the writer was able to communicate directly without fear.
I never thought of it as fear that kept me quiet in times of anger, but I see now that it definitely was! I do not like conflict to the point of avoiding it, and for a long time would just stay silent on things that upset me. It wasnt a good plan; inevitably I would ruminate and stew about whatever was bothering me, and rather than being direct about it in the first place, it would often blow up to something much bigger just because I had nurtured that resentment like a plant I was trying to grow!
I like the sentence from the thought for the day: When I suppress anger, I give it room to fester in my heart and mind, and it unravels my recovery.
Today is a chance to be open, honest and direct :). I hope everyone enjoys their Sunday!
Although I wasnt raised in an alcoholic home, I still was not allowed to express anger. I remember thinking many, many times that my mother who was always angry, was the only one who could be angry! I stuffed it down with food and displayed a lot of anxious behavior for decades. I now acknowledge my anger, allow myself to feel it and think about how to deal with it in a heathy way. I can recognize the signs of overeating, for example....that something is bothering me.
I thank Alanon for heightened awareness of myself and how to best proceed in taking care of me.
Thank you Mary for the daily, your service and your share! Thank you El also for your share and ESH. I thought for many years that my upbringing was normal and I was the odd-ball out. As happens in life, more has been revealed and I now know that both of my parents were/are untreated ACoA(s). I also know now that the disease has been in my family for several generations. I vividly recall always feeling less than or greater than. I didn't always hold back, but I sure did not pick my battles wisely - I had zero healthy coping and communication skills.
Recovery has changed that significantly for me. I do not have the luxury of holding on to anger or resentments, as the other side of the program strongly suggests these are the worst offenders for an A, contributing to many relapses in recovery. I do not have a need for justified anger and can see today that fear was underneath so many dark times in my life - before and during recovery.
As I continue to practice using the many tools we are given, I am better able to let go of fear, trust in the God of my understanding, talk things out with others and do the next right thing. I can advocate for myself today in a gentle way and I can shares my dislikes without throwing blame/shame onto others. It feels so much better to process in a healthy way than the 'emotional hang-overs' of vocal, over-reacting explosions of before.
Grateful for our program, MIP, my MIP family and my own recovery! I am off to a meeting - make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good morning, Mary! Thank you for your service. The thoughts are very timely for me today. I am attending a young'uns B-Day party that my son and I were invited to (on my Ex's side of the family). I have chosen to go, and I know that Wasband will be there. But I will be OK, b/c I am looking at this as a way to be Open, Honest and Direct! I am limiting the time to a couple hours, as I know my limits being around my wasband. He was never a "bad" guy... just a very sick guy. We are working at being "friends." For the most part it works, but too much exposure makes me so very sad that our marriage dissolved. So I limit the exposure, and go home reminding myself that my "hard boundary" was that I couldn't live with the lies and uncertainty of a relapse that comes with this disease.
El - I really liked what you shared. I have come to understand that I have always used food as a pacifier. My view on food is much, much different today!
Iamhere - You are so right... more is always revealed! I am just beginning to understand my FOO. I now know both my parents came from homes that were affected/broken up by alcohol! For my father, it was his mother... she abandoned he and his younger brother, and then came and went into their lives. His Stepmother was extremely mean and resentful of them I guess - my father joined the Navy at 17 yrs. to get away. For my mother, it was her father. She lived on a successful chicken farm that eventually was ran into the ground, and they lost everything. He eventually took his own life. So I believe they are both untreated ACoA(s), and there was alcohol with one instance of DV in my home as a very young child (I will never forget the scene, although I never knew the specifics). I am still unraveling the mysteries of their past that has indirectly affected me and my upbringing.
Wow! This was an extremely long-winded way to say, "I agree Mary, it is so important for us to keep our resentments in check and remember to be Open, Honest, and Willing!"
It's going to be another triple-digit day. I hope everyone enjoys whatever plans they have for this day!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Dear Mary thank you for this powerful reminder to feel my feeling and learn to express them in a positive manner. Thanks to program I have developed this asset. Thanks for your service
Thank you for the service and share Yanksfan. I'm glad to have this reminder as a parent. I am looking at ways to support healthy emotional expression for my little ones. We need new approaches to this emotion so I'm grateful to read today's group esh.
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