Acceptance, boundaries, and focus on me ... oh my!

I thought I understood acceptance, but in recent mtgs you all and others have shared wisdom of your ESH that humbles me, and gives me insight.  So, essentially, if I can ever get to a point of truly accepting, then by definition, the fear goes away.  The paralyzing fear.  This is a relatively new experience for me, the paralyzing fear.  And while there are some understandable reasons for it, and thanks to some of your ESHs I've made connections going back to when I was 4, and my A dad, through to my present challenge which is like a culmination and feels too huge to me -- understanding is not enough.  Not being denial is not enough.  That last mile is the toughest one in this marathon, to say it just is whatever it is, and with all barriers down I face it.  I guess since I can at least see that is part of the goal line is progress, huh?  My HP has something in store for me, and I put my will and life in Her hands to help me get there.

And then, if, no WHEN, I finally "get" acceptance, then "what am I gonna do about it?"  Choices.  My HP has given me the challenge of an ex who is very adept at jamming my less than perfect choices down my throat as publicly as he can -- now I've never thought I was perfect, but that does kind of give me a special challenge. And he's so charming (anyone else know a person with addictions who is charming?), so lot's of folks believe him.  But, none of that is my business.  What someone else thinks is none of my business.  What he does is non of my business.  B/c he is what he is.  He's in denial about lots of stuff, addictions included, but that is a fact.  I didn't cause it.  I can't control it.  And I can't cure it.  It just is what it is.  SO, what AM I gonna do about it?

OK, so action, boundaries and consequences (the a,b,c) .... wish I would have known about these 20 yrs ago (smile and sigh) ... but today is what today is.  That includes where I am today re my knowledge of boundaries and consequences.  For me this is where it starts getting tricky again.  If I truly accept the moment, why do I have to deal with it?  By definition, are boundaries and consequences to some degree saying that another person's behavior is unacceptable?  There was a great quote in last night's meeting ... just b/c I have acceptance, does not mean that I have to live in a degrading situation.  Sometimes action means I can just leave or something pretty independent of another.  Lots of times it comes down to setting a boundary with consequences appropriate to the situation and that I am able/willing to follow through with.  Stating a boundary in such a way that I am accountable to and for me, in a way that is not lashing out at the other person whose behavior may otherwise have resulted in my being in a degrading situation -- communication that comes from the heart, yet is firm so it is clear I mean it and that I will follow through with consequences. 

Certain situations, doing this is becoming more and more second nature for me.  Progress ...  Other situations, I am totally befuddled ... can't choose an action, can't choose a boundary, confused about the consequences.   Situations with the paralyzing fear.  which I guess is my red flag that I haven't truly accepted whatever the situation is.

I know there is no way out but through.  Progress not perfection.  Fear is very wearing, though.  Acceptance would be much easier, I think. And while I trust myself, trust my gut because I've learned my instincts are good, I am well aware that my best thinking got me here and I have as much to unlearn as to learn. The confusion of growing up in an A household means I don't know some basic things about dealing with people, and my "chooser" is off kilter, getting better, but not 100% yet. 

Some days I just want Scotty to beam me up so I can get a serenity mind-meld so I can finally "get" acceptance, and actually know the good options to choose from for boundaries and consequences and all the other healthy opportunities out there.

Fear and paralysis stink ....  maybe my HP is limiting my options to only acceptance?

I feel like I'm coming up for air, compared with where I've been in recent weeks, and I really need support.  My family, well I love 'em, but they don't get any of this -- I'm the only one in al anon, and I was the only one who said dad was an alcoholic way back when, ... drinking a fifth each night was one clue. SO they each have their own ACOA experience.  My sponsor moved, and my friends who've been there for me have in the last 6 months have come down with major debilitating or terminal illnesses.  That is not to say pitiful me, there's an increasing amount of good going on. I'll find another sponsor, but right now don't have that.  Support is lacking.