The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is changing shifts at work , so now I am going to be around AH more on the weekends. When he worked nights, he would be up until 1pm and get up at 8pm. Now he is going to be up from 3pm until 1 am most likely. I go to bed at 9pm. So there is going to be constant 6hrs around him and the drinking. What am I going to do during that time? I have to find strength to keep my mouth shut. I am so angry at AH right now because I held on to hope and false promises for way too long and I am still processing the fact I have to let go of the hope and start focusing on myself.
Sending hugs Lindie. It's not easy by any means. Easy does it; be gentle with you remembering it's progress not perfection that we seek. I would strongly suggest upping meetings if that's possible. Getting good alanon supports around you, having a safe place to express and process everything that comes up for you. It's still remarkable to me how much a meeting can change my mood and open new doors on old issues, giving the strength to get through one more day. And something positive to look forward to. We used to have online meetings here too,I'm not sure if they still happen, which were great for me when no childcare meant I couldn't physically leave the house. Face to face if you have the means of attending and shopping around for a good fit, I really really recommend. Take good care, sending peaceful thoughts your way.
I know it's frustrating when our routines get shaken up, especially if that means we'll be exposed to more things that tend to trigger us.
I agree - be gentle with yourself.
I know when I was in the trenches with the alcoholic, it helped me to get to a lot of meetings during the week. I also made sure to grab phone lists and start reaching out to members in the program when I was feeling discontent with what was going on around me and my reactions to it.
Basically, I got out of the house as much as possible when the alcoholic was there, especially during the times I knew he'd be drinking and behaving in ways that triggered me. I kept my ears open for any fellowship after the meetings and would join members for tea or whatever and sit and chat some more.
I also got my hands on a lot of the Al-Anon literature and spent a good deal of time reading it. "How Al-Anon Works" and "Paths to Recovery" were both really good, helpful books for me to read when I needed to take my mind off of what was going on and was working on focusing on myself.
The daily readers are also great and I'd make sure to read one every day. I eventually got all three and I'd keep one at home, one in my car, and one in my desk at work.
We actually have a daily reader discussion here in the message board, which I encourage you to check out. You'll identify those posts by seeing them with a title like "7/31 C2C" or "Hope for Today 7/31" or what have you. They always have good food for thought and the resulting discussion is always helpful.
(((Lindie))) - There have been many, many times when the chaos and insanity of this disease was beyond real in my home. Before recovery, I would fret, worry, have anxiety and project constantly. What the program suggested and what I practiced from the start was staying in the here/now. So, just for today.....I had to work hard to stop thinking about the weekend (on Wednesday, Tuesday, Monday, etc.). I had always been a planner with lists, plans, details, etc. What Al-Anon helped me understand is it's OK to make plans so long as I did not project the outcomes - positive or negative!
I vividly recall many moments when I was returning home from an errand, an outing, anywhere that my car would slow down....I was fretting and projecting the worst possible scenario - crazy making in my mind and certainly unhealthy. I started small with making plans for the weekends to change up things during the unstructured time of active disease in my home. I would go to the gym, take long walks, run my errands, go to meetings, dog park, etc. When the kids were small, I would plan play dates, McD runs, park visits, zoo visits, etc. I never excluded my AH and rarely did he want to go....especially when I made plans with gal pals.
It took actively practicing recovery to realize I did not have to sit at home, protect my AH and/or my home! Perhaps it's not strength you truly need, but courage to change the things you can. Al-Anon helped me to realize that nothing changes if nothing changes. I was free to leave the discomfort of my own home at any time I wanted to - or needed to.
I discovered two places that my AH and A Sons would not follow me and rant - the bathroom and the laundry room. I went there often. I created a safe place for me and put a lock on the door. In time, I was able to change me, choose healthy actions, establish healthy boundaries and detach.
Any/all meetings are better than no meetings for me. Any/all effort to change me is better than hoping others can/will change. Any/all efforts to do different is better than doing the same. Let it begin with me was and continues to be a great slogan when living with active disease. Embracing step one and the suggestions from others who came before me really helped me accept and embrace that I was powerless. Take good care of you today, and practice trusting the program and the process! It does work when we work it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The preamble at Al-Anon meetings references that with our own program of recovery, we can find peace and serenity, whether the A is drinking or not.
I know this might not make much sense to you at this moment, but that anger (towards your AH) is not doing you any good at all, and is possibly even misplaced. After all, you are mad that he hasn't chosen YOUR preferred path/timing of recovery, not his.... He is probably wallowing in his disease right now, trying desperately to NOT change a damn thing so he doesn't have to face the onerous task of sobriety..... that is his journey, and it could take him (and thus the two of you) one of many directions....
Al-Anon is all about helping YOU - your recovery, your peace & serenity, your hopes, dreams & lightness.
Today, in all the muck, you are quite possibly enmeshed with him and his disease, so it seems impossible to separate the two.... I promise you, there IS hope - for you at a minimum - through choosing a path of recovery and help for you. You don't need to (and quite frankly, aren't likely in any position to) know what the future holds with your AH, and/or the two of you as a couple - but if you get YOU better, you'll be better off, and in a way better place (emotional healthwise) to make any of those tough, longer term decisions.
In a nutshell..... if you get yourself healthy and into a solid program of recovery... and re-learn how to enjoy your life - with or without him and/or his drinking - it will have consequences...
Sometimes, by us getting ourselves healthier, our A's choose to find recovery for themselves as well
Sometimes, by us getting ourselves healthier, it scares our A's even more, and they try hard to keep you unhealthy (so that they, in turn, can stay in their disease)
Sometimes, by getting ourselves healthier, it doesn't change a damn thing with our A's
So, no matter what happens above, you are better off by being a better YOU, and at some point down the road you'll be in a much better place to figure out what consequences are going to come out of his choices....
Hugs
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you everyone for your encouragement and input. I just need to pace myself, is what I need. I am in such a hurry to get things moving for myself that it is overwhelming. I am trying to go on as if nothing will ever change with AH, if it should and he chooses to be sober that is great, but if not, I will just keep going on and enjoying my life. I had my own personal counseling this afternoon and I was able to get all the anger and emotions out. I have been paying attention to what I am about to say to him and shut right up and do something else. It isn't doing either one of us any good. I have reminded myself already one day at a time, that is helping.
Great use of the tools Lindie - One Day at a Time (sometimes one moment at a time) is so helpful in recovery. Pausing before responding/reacting was also a great use of my recovery tools. Keep doing what you are doing - it all matters and there's no race in recovery! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
