The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I do love how this program works and I return time after time for support to trust the process.
It's been an unusual month of one life curve ball after the next; nothing life-threatening, but large things nonetheless:
1) My daughter will be married soon and this precipitated a whole new level of crazy from her future in-laws-to-be; this was too much for her to handle, so it rolled in my direction. I laced up my alanon sneakers and moved out of the way.
2) My phone rang. When I answered, I heard, "this is going to be a strange call." It was. It was the wife of a man I dated a few years back... I had the choice to excuse myself or remain curious from a place of observation... the latter won... apparently, he spent the duration of marriage talking about me and now they're divorcing.
I am grateful, while I could not see the break-up at the time as a positive thing I grew and moved in the direction where my HP guided me. I'm still unclear about why this woman contacted me and I guess it doesn't matter.
3) Met a man who seemed like a much better match, only to find life threw him a triple curve in a short time frame, leaving him more than overwhelmed.
The past 2 weeks, I felt taken for granted as he became massively overwhelmed and triggered by his ex-wife, work, and desire to train for a race. When I asked how he saw a balance of these, he laughed and said it wasn't any of that, but it was the relationship and me. He said for the past week he lost the mental connection he needs for physical intimacy and has found it too much effort to try to get it back in the past in other relationships.
I found my voice and calmly told him that only having some aspects of a relationship in place would not be enough for me to stay. (I was so proud of myself for saying my truth even though I felt the potential fear of him leaving.)
I never thought in a million years that he would have to think if he wanted to make an effort to be with me... I had thought he was the man, who I witnessed time and again, to make the effort for things he wanted...
He suggested he take time to think, as he feels this is too important to discuss without processing... so, he suggested not breaking up but rather on a "break"?
Control???
I was too stunned to define parameters of what my needs are. It's been a super-hard week and now I know I would have loved to ask him to text or call every day just briefly so I don't have to feel this extreme anxiety wondering. I may have had anxiety anyway.
I know I don't have to wait; I am trying to be still with bad-feeling thoughts. Fortunately, I haven't chased any rabbits down holes. I took a look at my part - I could have done some things differently and would going forward but I understand this man feels massively triggered... even if I didn't commit horrific acts of malice. I am not perfect. I am learning.
I have so many life transitions myself right now and being still is hard as I strive to regain serenity. Easy does it comes to mind as does taking each moment as it come.
Support would be appreciated to help me keep the focus on myself.
It sounds kind of ok. I hear honesty. I think it's better people take time to process and are given the space to do so. I know when I'm preoccupied I make a terrible companion and am not able to concentrate on enjoying things. Could it be a sign of maturity and awareness that this person knows they aren't in the space to give the attention they would like to and are being upfront about it rather than multi tasking? I guess it's important to know what you are reacting to. What you are feeling. I know it's taken me well over a decade to separate out my learned emotional responses to others based on an old relationship. It still pops up sometimes. Maybe use the break to work out what this response is bringing up for you. Does it feel like rejection? Does it trigger abandonment or suspicion? What's your go to response for those feelings? Reminder that feelings aren't facts. They are an alert system but sometimes it's on us to do the work and figure out what we are being alerted to: either an external outside energy/person/place or some inner stuff still needing processing. If the situation were reversed would it seem unreasonable to ask for space to regroup?
Hi Bud it sounds as if you ae taking care of yourself congrats. Prayer helps me in challenging times so I would reach out to Hp and trust that life will provide new and greater interactions
Good to see you back
It is ok to say I need more than you can give. And the "break" what does that mean a time to see if there is something better on the other side? No thank you. I want to be first choice not the oh well, I guess it's ok. That's literally what happened with my XAH and I. It didn't work out so well and it left me feeling less than a person.
It really sounds like you have a lot of positives going on with the regular life happens kind of bumps along the way .. focus on the positives and let life take care of itself! Sometimes life is enough and just keep living your authentic self and what that means to you.
Big hugs, thanks for sharing you were on my mind the other day for one reason or another so I'm glad to see you around.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hello Bud-I agree with Serenity-self-care is what I would focus on. Steps 1-3 come to mind-we are so powerless over mostly everything. The only chance I have to change anything is to dive into my program, think, ODAT, live and let live, keep it simple, etc. Good luck with this difficult situation. Remember you have HP and all of us, Lyne
Kudos for you for finding your voice and stating your needs!!!!!!!!!!!! This is HUGE! I loved the way you said it as well... to the point, and not stated in a mean way. A good relationship needs nurturing...but you are getting to the heart of the issue when you say, " I never thought in a million years that he would have to think if he wanted to make an effort to be with me."
I believe that one sentence speaks volumes.
Keep working on you. You are so worth it!!
Peace!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
So many thanks for the continued love and support - it does bring tears to my eyes to have such a wonderful family as this!
a4l - WOW and yes! Thank you, I think the world of him and his honesty and self-awareness are 2 of the many things that I find so attractive. His words were a bit harsh but I'm grateful that the message was tempered with kindness and a bonus of stating that it's not over.
I feel blindsided and am reacting to that.
I am reacting to feeling taken for granted, for one thing. He blamed the relationship and me, which didn't feel good. It seemed clear he projected bad ex-wife things onto me... I won't argue and next time, I can say "ok" and skip a momentary lapse of feeling defensive. I do believe he knows to also look at his part, and this is what I think will be part of his processing of things.
I am reacting to abandonment. This morning I am focusing on how I am showing up for myself throughout the day. My main mission is to not abandon myself. I am now considering it my primary job. I abandon myself when I self-blame, when I'm not compassionate with myself, when I continually cycle the harsh words of others and traumatize myself over and over again, etc.
Betty - Thank you for your feedback and share - I draw strength in your words and will continue to practice pray and let go. I appreciate the direction of also praying for better interactions... so simple, and yet, I couldn't get out of my own way to see this myself.
SerenityRUS - Thank you! Love that self-care is becoming more evident.
I was so shocked, that I didn't ask or be able to define what this means. He kept saying we're not breaking up ... one time added "yet" at the end... no guarantees, I know. AHA! Let life take care of itself, indeed. Thank you for reminding me; I have no control... and yet I had a mini pity party for not having the remote control AND it still didn't feel good LOL I am silly. I like focusing on my authenticity - it is a self- win -win for sure!
Lyne - Thanks so much and I feel blessed. I will reread and continue to practice your suggestions.
PosesandPuppies - Many thanks and it feels good to be able to finally say things even when I feel fear. I am grateful. Every time I am in front of a mirror, I will say, "I am worth it". I am worth it regardless of what others do or don't say. His words stung.
Bud that helps me too right now your sharing on abandonment and what self abandonment looks like. I do the same things and am mid cycle on it trying to hit pause and restart. So great we have this programme and this group.
(((Bud))) - I too am glad to see you! I also agree that life appears really good with some speed bumps - unfortunately, they seem to be unavoidable. I too love that you were able to speak your truth - it's been a long while since I had a new 'relationship' and I believe that's huge! My recollection is that often, for the first year or more, folks are on their 'best behavior' and unable/unwilling to be authentic out of fear! Stating your needs with a new guy that you like and respect is freaking awesome!!!
I fully understand your shock on his answer. We can't really know what's going on, but it seems very possible that your authenticity was shocking for him and he replied in kind - with his own truth. For me, at this age/stage, I would much rather another person take a step back and process than be unauthentic. Life's just too short and I would much rather have someone step away that mislead me in any way.
No matter what he does/does not do, you still have the power of choice and options. There is also nothing to keep you from sending a text or message that just says, I'm thinking about you. That's truth and no harm/foul. I do this often when my sons go astray - just reach out so they know I am here and that I do care. Again, we always have choices and options.
I am a huge fan of One Day at a Time. My mind still at times wants to project and often it's not positive or pleasant. When I can use the power of our tools, my HP, prayer and meditation to bring me back to the here/now, I do know and feel that I am OK - in this moment, on this day. Beyond that, Easy Does It, Keep it Simple, Do the Next Right Thing all popped into my mind.... You are worth it so keep working it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Iamhere. You're right that it's likely we shocked each other. In my heart of hearts, I do not believe either of us want things to end. Life IS too short, for sure. I didn't want my old patterns of waiting for the man to stop taking me for granted and letting resentment build.
I'm grateful for the feedback that his course of action was authentic for him. I'm grateful that I have time to look at my side of the street more carefully. I forgive him, and working on compassion to forgive myself. I'm revisiting rejection, abandonment, resentment. I do believe we had fed off of each other's fears and anxieties. I also believe this is not difficult to rekindle... but he has to want it. Right now he wants to cycle rather than make plans with me.
I could have just left sooner when I realized how irritable he was. ... hindsight for future reference... but, chances are he would still need to hover in his man-cave and I'd still be bewildered.
My huge fear about initiating contact after no contact for 10 days is that my reaching out would irritate him further... drive him further away... he was highly irritable the last time we were together and maybe it was my bad timing to talk, but he was literally pulling away from me when I went to hold his hand. Normally, he is soothed by and happy with my touch.
On the other hand, maybe things cool down at the few week mark, where him hearing from me without expectation would not cause harm??
Taking a close look at how I abandon myself on a daily basis will not be easy... identifying the ways, then unleveling to something healthier. When I revisited what happened just during the last time I saw him with my sponsor, I was horrified how many times I abandoned myself in such a short timeframe.
Anytime I sense something other than serenity becomes an opportunity. "What is standing between me and feeling perfectly fine?" The answer doesn't typically come the first time I ask, but as I drill down to the core of the feeling, why, what is the message I can receive and what do I need to feel better.
Bud .. I'm curious why would you want to reach out to him?? Relationships like that are what I have coined the recycler relationship .. I have done it I have girlfriends who do as well .. it doesn't seem to me to be heathy .. the translation usually winds up being .. I'm lonely and it's better than being alone. My other question is .. I mean this as a general food for thought .. why do people believe the other party wants closure? Just because I do doesn't mean my ex does and I'm forcing my will into the situation wanting to know "why". If you guys are going to be friends later I don't find I need to initiate that .. they will .. I have found it's usually with an agenda and a merry go round I don't need or want to be on lol. I have come to realize no one owes me closure. That's something I give myself by accepting the situation as a learning experience and the freedom to move on. I may never understand .. that's not my karma to handle if that makes sense. :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
SerenityRUS ... I had entertained the thought as someone suggested.
However, I am not comfortable contacting him given the circumstances he asked for space and I want to respect that, I also want to honor myself and put my heart first and this means sitting still even if I'm anxious. He did not want closure; he tapped pause.
I do not know that I'll continue the pause, when I'm ready, I'll simply open my options again without contacting him. I already have what I need for closure if this is how things come to pass.
If it comes to pass where he contacts me - if it is to break up, then I don't need to put any energy into that; if it's to reconnect, I'll do the next right thing - whatever that means when if I am at that crossroad.
I appreciate your follow up. Sometimes it's hard to find my foot to put in front of the other. (At least it wasn't because it was already stuffed in my mouth ).
Insert foot or removing foot .. I'm good at .. LOL.
Seriously I was curious and I am always asking my girlfriends when they do that why they do, I think mostly because for me when I'm done .. I'm just done. The only one I kept trying to figure out was my XAH, I mean we did a revolving door for a bit. Once I was done done with that situation there was no looking or going back and when he does contact me which is about money usually ... there's always an agenda on his part.
It's just something about human behavior in general I find interesting.
Hugs :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I wasn't done, SerenityRUS. However, not wanting to continue with the new "offer" or lack thereof, I guess that does define my "done" ....
Are you asking if I would give second chances? My answer is I don't know. As someone pointed out, if the situation were in reverse, I would need to take a breath and recalibrate... not necessarily wanting to throw away someone important to me.... back to, what am I going to do... take care of me.
).