Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

reaching out

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry to hear about your sister's condition.

I've not personally experienced anyone with a tbi, but from other friends who've encountered it, there can be major shifts in the person's personality and behavior as a result.

I just know that if I'm wanting to let anyone know I care about them, the best I can do is just to reach out to them and tell them I love them and ask them if they would like any help with anything. I don't point out what I think their problems are (ie, in your case telling your sister you know she's behaving differently because of her injury and drugs.) I just make myself available and ask how I can be of service. If they want to talk about their issues, they'll open up then. If they don't, then it won't come up in the conversation. But I know just letting someone know I care about them can mean a lot.

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

thank you Aloha for your insight,
i have texted her and apologized for whatever ,just not never understanding ,
i let her know i love her n im here for her should she need me,
ive done all i know to do ,havent heard anything back,hopefully ill hear back,if not then i can except that to n move on regardless,
i hate this has happened to her,im glad im aware of it now...............hugs lu

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

LU - I also have no experience with this....I do believe that you've reached out and made yourself available for service and that's possibly all that can be done, just for today. My mind tends to 'consider' that how it is right now is how it's always going to be! My program tells me that's not realistic and miracles happen all the time. I do believe if I keep doing what I am doing for my recovery that all things will fall into place, in God's time and when it's supposed to. Keep doing you and trust the program/process!

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

My father suffered tbi after a quad bike accident. Sometimes he's lucid,other times confused; in the lucid moments remembers his personality and expresses himself accordingly. That personality is pretty warped by decades of drug and alcohol abuse though. And then he blames his children for not pulling the plug when he was in an induced coma. No thought to the consequences of that wish just the poor me's it wasn't done. Anyway. On reaching out, there are lots of ways. A card perhaps with a little gift. I've sent groceries to friends before also. The purpose is to let someone know you're thinking warmly of them. If they are ready to reciprocate they will. If not, well sometimes we want to treasure nice moments quietly and not risk spoiling them with live contact. It's never a bad thing to do a small thing with great love. Me, I'd go with a card.

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

thank you iah and a4l,
a card does sound like a grand idea ty a4l i will consider that,
ive been texting her over n over just with positive non judgemental texting,,,,no replies ,dunno if she even gets my texts,
i definatly love the card idea n will prolly try it,
make my amends init,the card then let it go,
a4i im sorry to hear of yur father suffering tbi to,it is so sad,my sister id been ?ing her total diff,personalitie ,she holds life long grudges n cuts ppl off for least little things this isnt her before her wreck she would let it go free spirited,,,not now,
breaks my heart to watch it all unfold in destruction,it is the tbi along with some drug use ,i believe hers is mostly prescription drugs now,
im alot better persion today to then i was back when she had her wreck,,,is a good thing,thanks to my hp n alanon recovery,

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

"Reaching out" is a great thing...it is something I don't see enough people in alanon doing...Keep up the good work "on YOU" and keeping the focus on YOU.

People -- alcoholics, addicts, unhealthy people -- do things for whatever reason. Just for today. We do what we need and want to do for us to be happy and healthy. We have a program. We have a track to follow. We have recovery. It is up to us. It works if you work it, so work it, you are worth it!

All the best.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Patricia)) you are a kind and loving sister. . reaching out ith a ccard would be kind

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks for all the awesome replies i gotten here,,,i should come here lots more hp knows i have always something weighing on my mind especkially since working a program,
as for an update to my sister,,,i didnt and i did try to get her address ,no luck there,
so i drove to her home which was the next state over,not really far away far enough.
she was surprised after years of no touch,i felt relieved somewhat seeing her again,
she seemed fine on the outside dunno abouit the inside,
it was like a happy reunion we both enjoyed,i stayed all night with her,was alsol happy to get myself back home,next morning.
all went well,we have talked on phone since then off n on,
i just dunno if n when ill b back,im not wa nting to get myself enmeshed or caught up again in any foo drama,
im remember my reasons for having to separate myself ,detaching completely in order to get well or as healthy as i can,
not to throw myself right back into the disfunction of it all,
my recovery is very slow for i havent all the recovery tools ,ftf meeting are out none around,mip online meetings are great when i can get to them ,which my plans are to start my mip back full force.
im gonna stop here,lol,before i start rambling.................{{{{{{{{Alanon Family}}}}}}}} LU

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey LU - awesomely cool that you took action and it was a rewarding experience! Sounds like you've got some boundaries in place - good on you! Keep coming back - you are worth it!!

MelissaK · Member

Hey LU

Ex abf had a TBI. He got in a fight and had his his skull bashed in with a pipe. It led me to overcompensate/excuse horrible behavior because I felt sympathetic and was never entirely sure if it was him being awful, or a result of the injury. Yet I know another man with a TBI and he is lovely, his speech is slow and he gets frustrated with the pace of his recovery, but he's just basically a darling person. This suggests to me that I look for excuses for bad behaviour. As your sister has been someone to take advantage of your good nature in the past, maybe this is her looking out for you without being conscious of it? Imagine the crappy behaviour you might tolerate if she was to be in your life now and you had the TBI to use to excuse her?

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

thank you IAH for the reminders ,its easy for me to forget this very important i am worth it slogan,i recite serenity prayer everyday times over n over to myself,im sure we all do.
Melissa thanks for sharing yur story dealing with TBI,this is all new to me,
so true i would or might tolerate more so,
i am keeping focused on myself,she isnt in no emergency situation that i saw,everything was fine,
ive given her and all over to my HP,where it belongs ,trusting the process,everything will unfold in the way it should...hugs LU

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene