Hi there, Everyone.

I'm wondering if this is an okay place for me to be. I don't have any family members or friends who are alcoholics, at least not ones who I know well or whose alcoholism has directly affected me.

I have been looking for a 12-step group for a little while to help me cope with feelings of non-acceptance, anger, anxiety, depression, etc, and I haven't been able to find one in my area, so I thought this might be the best alternative. I don't want to be disrespectful to this group by posting if my not having an addict in my life makes it inappropriate for me to be here. But, I thought that perhaps sometimes people do this. Anyway - please feel free to share how you feel, I'm open to being directed elsewhere or deleting my profile altogether.

All in all, to share: what have been looking for 12-step to help me work through is a chronic feeling of unhappiness, a persistent struggle with not feeling good at what I do (despite knowing on some level that I am good at what I do) - I suppose this is perfectionism here, blaming my husband for my unhappiness because of a time a long time ago when I put my marriage before something that might have meant more acceptance in my career or career advancement. I just struggle with feeling intensely envious and jealous of other people (some from long ago in my past) who have become successful and satisfied in their careers - it's almost like an obsession. I think about it and compare myself to them so frequently. All of this creates so much suffering for me. So much so that I often - sometimes for full days at a time - just feel hateful and don't feel grateful for what I have in my life. I feel this huge grapefruit-sized block over my stomach and heart where I feel all of the disconnection, intense unhappiness and anger radiating from. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and throw pillows at the wall, comparing my perceived failures to my perception of other people's successes, and venting about "how nothing has worked out in my favor." It feels so sad to me when this happens - I become some mad-eyed woman who is stuck in this cycle of anger, rage, and grief. My husband says "it's like I can't reach you." It's like a tantrum, and it feels like it's been a few years since I've really felt like myself in a persistent way.

I had a tantrum like this last night and my husband and I talked again about me doing the 12 steps. I looked at the first step and asked myself, what do I need to admit that I am powerless over - that my life has become unmanageable? I'm not sure I even know how to do this. I don't know exactly what I feel powerless to. I guess, it is my perception of myself as a victim - of myself as a loser - someone who has had things taken from her, both by people she loves/love her and institutions that had no responsibility to her.

I don't know exactly what I am powerless to - but I know that I feel powerless, angry, and then feel powerless to the cycle of anger. I know that I don't feel like myself. I know that my comparing, self-rejection, anti-acceptance, grief, and rage in respect to the fact that there is a gap between how I thought my life was going to be versus how it's turned out, brings so much misery and sadness - because I just can't connect to the things that are joyful and that I am lucky to have. I feel completely trapped. I think I am afraid that if I accept and allow myself to change, then I am agreeing to receive a raw deal, and not fighting for more means that I'm a resigned epic loser (I suppose the criticism is pretty clear there...)

Anyway, it's been a long road of doing therapy, practicing introspection, and struggling with this feeling. I'm really hoping to find some support practicing the steps in a group context. Let me know if this isn't the one for me and I'll keep searching!

Thank you all for reading and for being here.