The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The ups and downs of living with an active alcoholic brought me took my breaking point a few years ago. Broken promises, manipulations..most of you know the drill. I did what I needed, focused on myself and was so good with my boundaries (and thats a hard thing , let me tell you). Well 3 years later, trust rebuilt, life going well, recovery seemed like the place they liked to be; and then it all started to happen again. It was hard to catch at first, subtle behavioral changes and the boom, right back into the old patterns. Its crazy how quickly trust can be broken when it takes so long to build.
And now I sit here, searching to find the strong person I was three years ago (heck even 3 months ago) while he lays on the living room floor, passed out after lying to my face he didnt drink and then on the 7th time I asked him, finally confessed. Then I heard youll be the first person I tell if I ever drink again I rolled my eyes and accepted his hug without hugging back (not like he would notice given his current state).
In the midst of the drinking tonight I told him. That I think he needs to go back to treatment. But thats not my choice to make for him, hes got to want it, and I dont think he does. Which means Im left to be the one to make the tough choices for myself. Im just done but I dont want to be done with him. However, the drinking him isnt the one I want to have in my life . I just dont have the patience it anymore and I feel so sad about it. I thought hed be different that wed be the ones that never had to deal with the relapse..I guess Ive always been good at being naive...
Searching for what I need and want right now and hoping I find the strength to remember to put me first...
What you describe as hard to catch, subtle, boom...is the slippery slope. Very often we don't see, hear or feel it happening. We just wake up and say "How did I get (back) here?"
We in alanon...until we find a true life of recovery...are masters at being naive.
I said plenty of things 7 times. 10 times. 20 times. I didn't get healthy, and I didn't get happy...until I stopped.
Done with "this" but not done with him/her...the dilemma almost every loved one faces...yet...it doesn't have to be a dilemma! Not at all.
I made a decision...I was not going to be the person who was "left" to make touch choices for myself...so I changed...my actions, my reactions, my behavior, my mindset, thought process, etc.
I had a paradigm shift.
It works if you work it...so work it...you're worth it.
All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Wow. Almost 2 years ago (can't believe it's been that long) I was you. It took 7 years from the last stint in rehab for alcoholism to rear it's ugly head in my spouse and our life. I am sure for 4 of those years I was in full denial.
I didn't want to accept that even though he knew my hard boundary was that I didn't want to ride this roller-coaster again and told him, " For us to be together again, please be aware that I never want to be that "Welfare person" again. I cannot live with addiction in my life again... I am too damaged. I will end our marriage... make no mistakes about that!" Of course he agreed and said he had embraced Recovery and that he would "Prove it to me."
Turned out, I did live with addiction again... in complete denial b/c I was fearful of being a single mother, of having so much debt and not being able to pay those debtors, of having to hold up my boundary (end of marriage). So much FEAR! I tried so hard to live my life with rose-colored spectacles on. The last two years we were together (my son was a sophomore and junior in HS) I KNEW he was abusing... but it was all I could do to hold onto my part-time job and all the issues that kept popping up with my teen (and there were some doozies!). The last year, I came back to Al-Anon and realized I was very naive about addiction!! So I began to implement DETACHMENT and began educating myself on the disease of addiction. I began to think about what I could and couldn't live with. Then my wasband lost his job. I thought to myself, "OK, this is his rock bottom... he will choose Recovery again!" Instead he fell deeper into his addiction. He was passed out drunk almost every day. When I accepted that I could no longer hide this from my Kid and opened my eyes to just how much it was damaging him - that was the catalyst for me to state my hard boundary. Still I didn't leave straight away. I gave him 1 month to seek help. The whole time I was subject to his verbal/emotional abuse and gas-lighting! But looking back, I had nowhere to go at that time. Today, I give myself a "pass"... I was doing the best I could.
I too, thought my wasband would be different and we'd never have to deal with relapse... I was so wrong & naive. It appears he was no special snow-flake. ~sigh~
Talk with your sponsor. Work on you... try and get to the core of what YOU want out of life. Understand that you will mourn your marriage - the dreams you had for your life... I know I did, and it took quite awhile for me to work through those feelings. A lot of two steps forward, and one (or more!) steps backward.
This was a long post to let you know that I hear you and validate you... heck I was you!
Wishing you peace this week!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
{{{Crau}}}. My sponsor taught me to give up expectations and take ODAT. Im not perfect at it but I can never let myself think we got this now. I have learned with my A that anything can change moment to moment, and true, healthy recovery will probably take the rest of our lives, both the A and myself in alanon. The damage done, the hurt,, the lies, and yes, I have been lied to while my A looks me straight in my face. All I can say is take in alanon to its fullest. It has restored my to sanity most of the time. Progress not perfection, Lyne
(((Crau))) - sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers....relapse is so very, very hard to watch, witness and experience as the family/friend of another. It is easy to believe that the 'good times' will always be and there is no shame in having hope ever. After all, without hope, what's the point?
He's relapsed and possibly so have you - it's not the end of the world even if it feels like it is. I practice, practice, practice this program as best I can and the one concept that I really live with daily and embrace is what Lyne has suggested - ODAT. It really helps me keep things simple, focus on the next right thing and remember that 'Rome was not built in a day'.
Take good care of you and know that we are here for you as are all the people in local rooms of Al-Anon. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
