The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading in Courage to Change is about focusing on ourselves. Some sentences really stood out to me:
"I always felt my loved one's drinking was a terrible reflection on me, and I worried about what people thought."
"His behavior is not a reflection of me, it's a reflection of his disease. However, my behavior is a reflection of me."
"My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else's choices, even when it's someone I dearly love."
The writer speaks about accepting that alcoholism is a disease that can be arrested but not cured. Our loved one's path to sobriety is not guaranteed, either in how long it will take, how long it will last, or if it will happen at all. Al-Anon helped her focus on her own recovery and on what she could do about her own situation.
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I really relate to this reading. I was very ashamed about my late husband's behavior and ailments due to drinking. I thought they reflected on me and worried about what other people would think. During a medical crisis when he could not speak for himself, and a doctor asked me about how much he drank, I felt embarrassed. Now I'm very grateful to that doctor because he asked in a sensitive way, but at the time I felt angry at having to answer that question, and ashamed because I did not know the exact answer.
I knew I was sick, too, but I didn't know what to do about that until I got to Al-Anon. After a while, I realized I had to focus on my own recovery. I went through anger, despair, awareness, understanding, and at long last forgiveness. Focusing on myself, and accepting help so I could do that, was the only way I got through that journey intact.
I know exactly what you mean. I continually am feeling embarrassed about how much my spouse drinks anytime we're around others. I don't think about it much when we're home and he drinks drink after drink after drink, but it's getting to the point that I can't stand to go out to dinner with him because I'm so embarrassed by his drinking. It's so uncomfortable to see servers bring drink after drink. I can just imagine what they're thinking. I especially hate what I perceive to be the "I feel so sad for you." look I get from servers when he's going on and on and on and asking for yet another drink. I know I need to keep the focus on me and keep my own side of the street in order, but I falter in this area a lot. Thankfully he turns over the car keys once we're out of the restaurant and I drive us home, but I do struggle with the "embarrassment" piece. It's also so difficult to sit and hear him lie to his doctor about the amount he drinks.
I also relate to this. Thank you. It was cold water in the face when I discovered through reading Al Anon literature coming here and going to meetings that I can work on myself if I needed a fixer up project. It was so refreshing and such a release. There were many things I couldn't change, cure, or control, even my own past mistakes and behaviors but I could change myself and how I deal with life around me. I don't know how long this project will take but I'm willing to give it a go and thank al anon and all the related families for being here.
Thank you Freetime for your service, and to all of those above who shared!
I really relate to #3. It took me quite awhile to accept my decision about this... I felt a lot of guilt. But I now know it was the best thing for both myself, my kid AND my wasband!
TGIF MIP!! Make it a great one!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thanks FT for your service and all the above shares. I relate to the reading and everyone's writing. I, too, felt shame, didn't know what to do about it, couldn't see how I lost myself, and couldn't imagine a way out as long as my A was drinking. And it is a very long road to recovery in alanon, but for me it is worth it. I don't know how I would have stopped my downward cycle without this program and all the people that directly and indirectly contribute to my growth and health, Lyne
Thank you Freetime and all who shared. OH BOY, this is a big one for me. Although I intellectually know that my AH's behavior is a reflection on HIM, I can't help but be embarrassed by it and dread every single social situation. To be honest, most times he acts fine, but when he doesn't, I am terribly embarrassed. I am thinking....what must people think of ME to be with someone like HIM? Pretty arrogant, isn't it? Maybe those are my own subconscious thoughts.....what am I doing with him? Regardless......it is very tough for me to let him stand in his own muck making without wanting to slink away. I need to remember that what others think of me is not my business...but I struggle, struggle, struggle with this topic.
Thank you Freetime for the daily and for your service! I accepted an enormous amount of shame/blame when both of my boys exceeded 'experimentation' with mind altering substances. I don't elaborate too much about them, their issues and/or their story as it's not part of my story. I can tell you that I had previously been 'one of those people' who did blame parents for the bad behavior of their children, no matter the age. Today, I have enormous compassion for all parents who struggle with child/ren with addiction, mental health or dual-diagnosis issues.
The many embarrassing events with an AH + 2 A Sons no longer haunt me at all. Before Al-Anon recovery, I was stuck in a state of perpetually playing tapes of past events or in a state of perpetual fear of what will come next. Al-Anon set me free and gave me my life back in a way I never considered possible. Their behaviors, actions, words, attitudes, etc. have nothing to do with me and I am very able today to suggest that to anyone who wants to inquire about them to me. It took me years to learn to say, "Ask him." when any/everyone would ask how one, both, all three were. I have even offered their phone numbers as I find that most (outside of trusted friends and family) are more curious than caring.
I do need to share one extremely funny outcome of my parents visit recently. My mother, like her father, is drinking alcoholically now. She's lonely, depressed and close to the end of life, so feels she's got nothing to live for. She's 84 years old and drinks herself to sleep every night - the exception - here....she's not allowed to have alcohol in my home - nobody is.
Anyway, she's been flipping people off for more than 20 years! She will have some wine, and fly the finger to anyone, any where at any time. Of course, folks find it quite funny that a little old lady is flying the finger, sometimes with both hands - double barrel and we all just roll with it. Well - just this month, during her visit did she learn that flying that finger has a meaning of F You! I almost wet my pants laughing at the expression on her face when she realized that all this time, she's been telling people 'where to go'! The good news - she thinks she's only been doing it for a few months! The reality - it's been going on for years and years and .......................
Live and let live really, really helps me separate myself from the actions/outcomes of those I love! Thank goodness for the 'pause' I learned early in recovery - it gives me just enough time, energy, wisdom, spiritual assistance to realize that what's going on is so not about me!!!
Happy Friday all - hope you had a great day and the weekend is even better!
Welcome to MIP hummer - glad you found us and so, so glad you jumped right in and shared! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
