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i havent written in a long time, but tonite i feel the need to vent, and feel the need for some encouragement and support. i used to know many of the people here, but now i think there are many new people that probably dont know me. to make a long story short, through many trials and tribulations, a couple of separations, etc., i have made the choice to stay with my a. we have a 7 yr old son together, and i have a 5 older children, ages 18-24. anyway, it is just my a and 7 yr old son and me in our home now. my a and i have been together 9 yrs, married 7. My a is a very chronic alcoholic. he has done so many things that have challenged my feelings for him, i cant even begin to tell you. but through all these trials and tribulations, i do know now that i love him and want to stay with him. i am having a hard time with the latest incident, tho. this past weekend, he went to shopko to get some dirt for the yard, and it was early enough in the day that our son went with him *(early enough in the day that he wasn't drunk yet, i mean). anyway, shopko was closed, and my a pretended to "call" shopko to "ok" taking the dirt without paying for it...trying to fool my son that is was ok that he took the dirt, but in truth, he STOLE several bags of dirt from shopko while our son was with him! he pretended to my son that he called and got an ok to take it, but the first thing our son told me when they got back was that daddy stole the dirt. of course, my a denies it all, told me he did a "check by phone" thing, which he knows i know he didnt do. he just point blank denies it, even tho he knows darn well our son and i both know he stole it. he keeps saying "i dont know what your so mad about. its just a little dirt." and on and on like that...like it's NOTHING! he gets mad at ME for being mad at HIM for stealing! and especially while our son was with him! just that morning, i asked him where our camera was, because it wasn't where it usually is. he said, "one of your kids probably stole it." (ya, right) whenever i cant find something, he always says one of my kids probly stole it, which is ridiculous. i said, "um, you are the one that has a problem with stealing", knowing that in the spring he usually steals at least something from these outdoor yard-supply places. never dreaming he'd do it that day! then a few hours later our son informs me he stole dirt!
my point is...until this past week or so, i was doing so well, finding reasons to love him in spite of all his drinking related screw ups...simply cuz i love him. but with this stealing thing, plus a few other things he has done that has challenged my love and respect...like the day before the stealing thing, he left the house at noon to go make the house payment, and got home at 8:30 pm and fell down in the house 3 times when he got home, and passed out on the bed face down with his feet on the floor and his body flung over the bed...now i'm just so angry and disgusted with him. it felt so good to be able to feel love for him in spite of his actions, but now, i am just nauseated at his actions. i came to the conclusion tonite that i think i am just simply living with someone who is mentally ill! i mean, to STEAL when your 7 yr old son is with you! and then act like your wife is the bitch for being mad about it!
god, this is so frustrating! sometimes i love him, & sometimes he disgusts me so bad i just wish i could clobber the crap out of him! cuz right now he's acting like he didnt do ANYTHING wrong! i feel so guilty regarding my son being influenced by this man! and what our son must be FEELING! knowing stealing is wrong, and watching his daddy do it!
then, what ends up happening, like tonite, i just cried and cried because i feel like such a horrible mother. i get so lethargic and worn out and tired, and i'm just not there for my son like i should be. i mean, as far as, like, going outside with him and playing, or going to the park, or playing a game with him. i feel like i'm not doing what i should be doing to at least give him what he DOES need. i mean, i'm not in the bars all weekend and every week night, and i'm not out stealing dirt, or any of the other stuff my a does, but i'm lethargic. i'm not GIVING HIM the attention he needs, cuz i'm always to wigged out and upset and depressed and tired from emotionally dealing with my a. our son's an only child, basically, cuz all his siblings live on their own, and i should be letting him have school friends over to play and stuff, but i dont, cuz i just always feel so worn out, and i dont want to deal with extra kids. plus, i think, i'm just plain embarrassed cuz we live like we are poverty...even tho my a makes really good money...but it all goes to his fun and games...not to our home or food or anything like that.
our son tells me all the time how much he loves me, and i tell him in return. in fact, he always tells me he loves me second best, cuz he loves god first, which i think is awesome, and i tell him that's how it should be...he should love god first. but i just dont feel that i deserve him to feel so much love for me, cuz i really am failing him. and i get so down on myself cuz i'm not being a good mom. the poor child is so lonely, and i am in so much stress myself, that i just dont put his needs first. like letting him have friends over, or just going and doing fun things with him myself! i do things with him once in a while, but not like i should. not like i did when my older 5 kids were young. we did fun, special things all the time. but with this one, i just feel i am being such a bad mom.
i know i'm carrying on, here, but, i guess my question is...is there anyone else out there that feels like they are failing their child(ren)? like you are so consumed with surviving the life with the a that you arent being the mom you feel you should be? or anyone out there who has felt like that and finally broke through it and made the child(ren) the priority they deserve to be? i feel so bad for my son, and know what i SHOULD do, but am very unsure that i can make myself do it. i am soo tired all the time, and, you know, my youngest from my first marriage is 18...and here i am now, with a 7 yr old, starting all over again! he doesnt deserve an a for a dad and a mom that's too tired all the time to play with him! i feel so bad for him, and so bad about myself.
any words of encouragement would be much appreciated. i really feel like a rotten mom. and i HAVE chosen to stay with my a. so, basically, i need to get my #$%^ together, but just feel really unable to. thank you in advance.
You are NOT a bad Mom. You sound like you are doing an exceptional job. I think what your son is trying to tell you is that he appreciates what you do together. And he loves his Mom!
That is afirmation enough that you are doing a great job!
We lived in a rural area growing up and didn't do much as far as outings, I enjoyed... really enjoyed, doing things around the house with my Mom. Dad was A and not around much of the day. We had a great time together.
As for your A... I have heard every person and every reading call this a disease. I used to say to myself (and even to my A) that this is like Cancer... its a disease. Well Dementia is a disease to!
After reading many posts here I think the disease manifests itself in many different ways in different people. The underlying traits are all the same... but.
I admire your strength, take care of you and when you can do something simple with your son. Doesn't have to be big, sounds like he would love just about anything... as long as you are around.
Most of all take care of you... the rest will come.
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
The first thing that came into my mind is the, "insanity is when we do the same thing over and over expecting a different result when it always has been the same."
Not sure if that is the saying. But it is a saying.
You just said yourself he has done this before. But now in front of your child! That has got to be so horribley hard!
Of course you feel bad. I thought, think of it this way, your A is very sick, his disease has made you very sick. Here is your little one watching the whole thing. It is like he lives in an insane asylm.
You are a good mom doing your very, very best. But can it ever be good enough in this situation? That is up to you. I have watched you for years giving your all.
One thing I do know is when I finally got away from the A, that love part went away. If I think of mine I feel that nausea and that is all now.
I believe when women or men stay, it is more than love that makes them stay. Go to 1st Cor. and read what love is.Are you sure that is there and what makes you stay now?
Hon I don't think there is anything anyone can tell you. Except go to meetings as often as you can, read literature, come to meetings here. Saturate yourself with alanon.
Maybe get some counseling for support on how you can be a good mom despite the sickness you live with. Maybe take your little one too.
Sweetie I know just how you feel--when you are talking about your son! I was a stay at home mom until I got my divorce 7 years ago. Then I had to go to work, I met and married my alcoholic/addict husband and I feel that through this time I have become the worst mom. I am so tired from working (I teach) with kids all day and then wondering/worrying how my a is going to be and what he really has been up to, that I don't want to be "bothered" by them--not that they bother me I love them deeply, but I have no energy for them. I am consumed by so many other things. I have to "make" myself take time for them. I feel so bad about it, but I am also so worn I don't find that I change myself even though I don't like that about me.
My son asked me if we could have a "family night" on Fridays. Part of me just cringed, I did that growing up I know I loved it and that's what helped me become the person I am today, but just knowing I "have" to do that is scary for me to commit to--I don't know why!
Maybe you could do things like put a note in his lunchbox or homework folder everynow and then. That will give him something to look forward to, let him know how much you love, but may not be too overwhelming for you and then you could work up to doing more things. Just an idea.
I also know how you feel about not wanting others to come to your home. I have not had company over in years!!! Sometimes I really miss it, though I don't have any close friends anymore, I just miss being able to do that. It's just too embarassing for me.
I hope you can find a way to deal with everything that you are comfortable with. I wish you luck and peace. Your son sounds amazing, he sounds like he has a good base to go from despite the circumstances in his life (his a daddy). He loves God and knows how important that is--you are doing a great job!!!!!
I am not only the mom of an A, I am a daughter of an A. Growing up in that family caused alot of problems in my life. One of the best things that you could do for your child is to explain to him about daddy's illness. That was never done for me. It probably made the biggest difference in my life. Instead, I grew up feeling alot of shame and embarrasment. I didn't know to tell my friends that my dad was sick. He just looked like a drunk to me. I didn't know about alcoholism. We are talking about 45 years ago...when it was hidden so much more and never referred to as a disease. I think I grew up with some resentment toward my mother. Resentment about everything being revolved around my dad. She laid on the sofa alot hiding her face because she was depressed all the time. Dad was drunk most of the time. I felt so insecure. Never knowing what it was going to be like in the home. Afraid to sit on the front porch for fear of the embarrassment of him staggering up the street. The fear of having friends over was a biggie for me. I wanted so much to do that (and did do it) hoping he would not come home until they left. Making excuses, telling lies, hiding things...that is no way for a young child to grow up. You cannot believe the emotional problems it has caused in my adult life. Now that I understand it (the disease), I can feel the compassion for my dad (passed away) that I could not feel as a child. My mother did the best she knew how. I'm sure of that. However, that does not lessen the feelings that I brought into my adult life. I have been doing some inner child work. Trying to help that little girl to know that she did matter. That she should not have had to grow up with all that fear and anxiety in her life.
OK...enough about that. What I am trying to say is if you are going to stay with your A then please communicate to the child that daddy is sick. Don't let him grow up thinking that he did not love him enough to do right by the family. I really wish I would have understood so much more when I was a little girl.
I will keep you in my prayers that you will know how to handle this.
You are not a bad Mom! You are a tired, overwhelmed woman, married to an alcoholic.
We put so much pressure on ourslves to be perfect. Sure kids want things, but they don't need everything we might think they do. Youlove your son and your son loves you and you have taught him right from wrong and respect and love for God. That makes you a great Mom. you gave him the most important gifts.
I know when I am too tired, we have cuddle or tv or even reading time, my eight year old loves to reaad to me anad his little brothers. It doesn't take a whole lot of energy and the little ones love it. (the big ones sometimes join in). My little guys love to curl up in bed with me and watch tv. I hate to admitt it but with six kids, my oldest being 19, I have gotten to know more about the Power Rangers than anyone should ever have to know.
In the summer, we make bath time a short cut. A neighbor of mine years ago told me of a time consuming trick to wash the little pool and the kids. At the end of the day, I pour childrens soap (baby shampoo works great and makes lots of bubbles) into the little pool and let the little guys in to splash around. They dunk under water adn muss theri hair. When they come out it is right into jammies, then I drain the pool. Clean pool, clean kids, they had fun and I have less work.
Kids don't mind shortcuts, they also don't seem to notice if we don't live as well as the neighbors, they just want love.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you are trying, and doing fine. Also don't blame yourself for your husband stealing. You didn't do it, he did. You did not know that he would pick that day to do it. We are not responsible for the actions of our A's, we try and protect our kids, but we are not mind readers and we are only human.
Was thinking about you all day. You know what Lori. I know how you feel! It just dawned on me that when I allowed my A to be around me, even though my son is grown,it still made me feel bad.
I felt like I was betraying him but even talking to my A. Then after my son fixes up my rental, the holes in the wall, A comes and stays one night. He is suppose to do the electrical stuff. He stays drunk and knocks a hole in the wall.
Who fixes it? my son. sigh. so I do know how ya feel. All I know is you have always gave your all and done your best.
My first post did not come out like I meant to. Wasn't feeling real hot this morn. please forgive me.
