The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
can't figure out what it was all about. I am still thrown off by it and not trying to make up something that isn't factual about it...know what I mean? We got lots of life changing stuff going on and maybe that has something to do about it yet I haven't had this condition happen for soooo long I didn't figure it out...I went to a meeting and connected with an old timer both in aged and in recovery and I listened to his ESH about what he has gone thru and how he went thru it with the program...steps, traditions, experiences and his HP. His ESH walked me back over what I have learned in recovery which might be under shadows because I don't know yet what the cause is. I didn't sleep last evening and don't feel it should be the cause for anger and then I am not an Al-Anon or AA guru.
After the meeting I stayed for a while and listened to others male and female share their experiences and one of the gals came over and expressed thanks for my sharing about inventorying and arriving at a new truth regarding herself...She loves arriving at her new self perception that she isn't "Bad" maybe just different from others expectations. Good for her...Yay!! Maybe I am arriving at differences and not liking it; not liking the powerlessness of it. My life is changing a lot and I don't know where it is going or if I am liking it. Maybe that makes me feel rushed and trying to forces solutions I cannot solve by myself yet want to see come about without trust and hope. Maybe. That has made me angry in the past so maybe this is relapse a bit???
Don't know. Gotta listen with an open mind and for the voice of my HP. Gotta allow others to help me with solutions and not be angry that their solutions were not mine.
Jerry you are a beautiful soul who I feel incredibly blessed to have gotten to know over the years. You are you being you the way Creator loves and knows you to be. we know from experience that we are most deeply understood and loved by our higher power as we are, resistance and surrendered, everything in between, we are never deprived of access to that comfort. my contemporary generation like to say " you've got this" and I always add silently in my head, and Creator has us all. Sending heaps and heaps of aro'a your way my dear friend and mentor.
Thanks for your share and explaining how you're using the tools of the program. At least you're aware of your mood instead of being at its complete mercy.
I have a couple personal experiences around waking up angry for no good reason. And when I say that I mean I honestly don't have any emotional trauma or stress going on in my life, so why on earth am I angry???
Experience #1 under above mentioned conditions: I had a bad dream. Sometimes I have dreams where I get so angry and upset with someone I wake up just unjustifiably ticked off. It takes me some time to shake it off and realize it was just a dream. I think dreams, however, are our subconscious sometimes trying to work things out. So maybe something that person did in the past a long time ago upset me. I could inventory it and then move forward from there if I feel it's necessary. But most of the time I just understand it's not REALITY so I can let it go.
Experience #2 under above mentioned conditions: It was my hormones. Now, I know you're a man and your hormones process differently from mine, but I've had that happen actually fairly recently where I was tweaking my hormones a bit and it sent me into unreasonable mood swings. I'd be happy one day, and the the next feeling utterly crushed and depressed and like I wanted to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I found myself unreasonably irritable with people whom I otherwise always got along with just fine. Again - no true stress or emotional trauma going on in my life at the time, but I was jumping out of my skin. I finally put two and two together and realized it was hormones. Something that no amount of inventorying and meditating was going to conquer on its own. Talked to the doc and ceased the hormones and lo and behold, I'm back to my usual, mellow, chill self again.
Just some thoughts there. But through it all, I know having a program helps me walk through the issues. I'm afraid what I would have been like with those hormone issues without my program!
Jerry, Thank you for your share. I see you as one of the most self-aware individuals I have come across. The answers will come in their time and it might not be some big revelation at all. Peace to you and thank you for being here with us!
Jerry - thank you for sharing your process, and how you are embracing the tools. I wish you Peace today, and I am sure more will be revealed in it's time.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((Brother))) - sometimes, it just is and more will be revealed (when it's time). I usually wake up angry IF another wakes me! And I don't know that's it full-fledged anger but it's sure startling and frustrating as he!! - as I struggle badly with sleep and do NOT LIKE being woke up. I don't even like to wake up when nature calls but I am powerless.....
I love the action you're taking and know that the two tools that best help me when I am angry or irritated is Service Work and Gratitude. There have been moments in the last 32 years of recovery where my evening review included of the day was very basic - I didn't drink, I didn't die or murder another and this day is done/filed away! It's OK to be whatever you are today - and my sponsor would tell me to be sure and thank my HP for the pain/anger. (this is such an odd concept, but it does work.)
Love and light brother - love and light!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you family for the feed back of your ESH and wisdom. What I arrived at and had stowed away for such a long time was that I have a sub-conscious personality also (duh) which isn't retired and doesn't come out in the open as much or often as conscious one so it lays back and works without making much noise until it wants my attention and then like this event can respond/react as it sees appropriate.
What was it angry about? My life is changing and it doesn't have much experience with the apparent changes and how to deal with them and respond and because it has no trustworthy clues and guarantees it gets pissed as I did when I was growing up and didn't have the experience then either.
I remember my therapist in the VA alcoholism department years ago under very similar situations asking me "Do you remember how to tantrum"? My response was "Whaaaat"? "Remember when you were a kid and wanting to get your way but not getting it? Do you remember tantruming"? My response was "yes I can remember that" to which he responded, "Okay...do one now and don't hold back". I didn't get out of it and did a loud, tantrum; jumping up and down, slamming my feet, waving my arms, loud ego centric waling and then got tired and quit. My therapist then said, "That is what I want you to do when ever you are not getting your want and where ever it happens next". I wanted to get well so I followed his guidance and performed 3 to 4 of them after that, in public once in a crowed mall, another in a shopping center's parking lot, and again after that.
This reaction was softer and quieter because I was sleeping. Thanks for the ESH that keeps me looking for sane alternatives. (((((MIP)))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Saturday 8th of June 2019 12:57:37 AM
I relate to the anger, to the sleep troubles, subconscious mind clunking along, the methods that eventually stop working... the desperate run run running and talk talk talking... and also to perseverance with step 10, and still coming up disillusioned.
The steps that have yet to be mentioned in this thread -- the turning point to HP... the seeking... ceaseless prayer... improving conscious spiritual contact... silent meditation.
When I experienced disillusionment in the powerlessness of the fellowship to give me answers, it felt like another loss, a loss I did not welcome. My sponsor had no answers for me, she herself still has a very restless mind.
(Sponsors and old-timers are NOT the solution, not meant to be idolized, idol worship is a harmful message to carry. There's only one "Employer" we should be serving)
With faith in "nothing in God's world happens by mistake," it eventually occurred to me that disillusionment and confusion is actually God wanting to RELIEVE me from bondage of self. God wants me to rely on HIM alone, nothing outside of me. I am convinced that is why they included the 11th step, to support us and take us further into the REAL solution. all we have to do is practice what has been laid at our feet.
My ESH is that the practice of step 11 fills the temple until we feel and know Higher Power as peace and love and bliss and harmony within... and begin to prefer THAT to anger thoughts. By that comparison, anger melts away. Anger is aroused by desire... by not getting something that I want. I can focus on that....
...or I can focus with deep attention and desire for God alone... who is inside, not outside. I get to choose, God never forces me to prefer Him, instead I get free will. Deep meditation brings sound, peaceful sleep because the "experience" of God is the only fulfillment of the soul... subconscious mind stops thinking because superconscious mind takes over instead.
For me, with all the changes that are going on in MY life, the practical planning for "the finish line"... more funerals and hospice visits.... I really need and prefer more time with the One who NEVER changes. that is how I myself am preparing for the BIG change.
I chime in to suggest that Akua wants to be your "everything." For me, my hearing loss is just another invitation to go into the silence.
With gratitude, I can recall something that YOU had written many years ago
"When I finally stopped running, God bumped into my back."
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 10th of June 2019 07:52:28 AM
