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Hey MIP Family....Posting the daily for tomorrow early as I'm heading out for softball shortly and golfing bright/early in the AM. Tomorrow's reading is about Step 4 - where we take a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves. For many of us, it was easy to justify our own unacceptable behavior. We often offered excuses or claimed that we were provoked or had no choice. We might even dismiss our actions by telling ourselves that everyone does the same thing. We pretend our wrongs don't count, which is a form of our denial. Taking the 4th Step helps us overcome this denial.
The first 3 steps offer us a strong spiritual foundation which helps us with the fearless part. The moral aspect comes from listing what we feel has been right or wrong about our conduct. The process is the searching part. The reading suggests we can only do this step thoroughly if we resist that desire to justify and excuse what we uncover. When we freely acknowledge who we have been, we can make positive changes about who we are becoming.
The reminder: I am a human being with strengths and weaknesses, capable of achievements and mistakes. Because I accept this, I can look closely at myself. Today, I will find something to appreciate and something to improve.
Quote: "You never find yourself until you face the truth." from Pearl Bailey
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While all the steps are important, the 4th step is the one that set me free. I had fear and apprehension when I first read it as I equated it to the confession process of the religion of my youth. My sponsor wisely guided me through the first 3 steps and suggested when I was ready to move forward.
My freedom came as a result of seeing my patterns, habits, reactions, etc. - good and bad simply because I now had, in writing a list of things to be grateful for or to improve upon. Accepting a power greater than myself earlier in the process really helped me see the 'facts' without shame/blame/remorse - accepting that I am perfectly imperfect and just a human being.
When I arrived, I really struggled to see me and share me without mention of my diseased loved ones. I was stuck in the 'he did this, and I did this or I felt this mode' which was an unhealthy thinking cycle for me. This step and a great sponsor helped me see that if/when someone does 'this', I now have choices to react in kind, or respond in a healthy way. Today, I can share my ESH and it's about me - not who brought me here, or what they did/are doing, how wrong/bad/sick they are, etc. I learned to see reality in front of me and to pause long enough to engage or detach. If I engage, I can be/do different today as I prefer the serene me who lives in the present to the insane me that reacted (often badly) of the past.
I do a repeat of the steps each year, and no longer fear the 4th step (or 5th). I have never disclosed anything that shocked another, nor have I heard anything overly shocking from another. I love the WE part of our steps and it does work when we work it.
Have a great evening all and a lovely morning too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you IAH for your service and the great share. I especially like the reminder, that we will all be good at some things and make mistakes. I also relate to being set free. Although I can't say step 4 set me free, I can say that alanon has set me free. It's truly remarkable and I remain grateful, Lyne
Thank you so much for your service, Iamhere! I hope that your early golfing will be enjoyable - both in game play and in the camaraderie of friends on the links :)
In doing Step 4 the second time, I found that I wasn't that honest with myself the first time around. It was initially hard for me to wrap my head around changing my behaviors. I mean, I was working so hard on being the perfect person, I just couldn't conceive that I had a part in the disease that wrecked my marriage/life! Step 4 helped me to realize that Perfection is way over-rated & honestly a soul-sucking endeavor. It helped me to realize that I played my part - whether large or small - it all interconnected and the unhealthy just fed on itself. Probably most importantly for ME, Step 4 helped me to look at, understand and accept my feelings towards the Disease Process of Alcoholism. In other words, what I could and couldn't live with moving forward in my life.
I do an almost daily Step 4 Check on myself... when I begin to feel sorry for myself, I quickly remind myself that I chose this path... I could've easily (or I guess not - it's debatable) chose to not proceed with the divorce, and waited to see what would unfold. But my Step 4 work helped me to see and accept that I didn't want to wait around and see if my spouse was going to embrace recovery... or if he would keep working his recovery once he found it (I had already been down that road, & it was 7 years of misery). I had a lot of guilt I needed to work through due to this. I had to admit and accept that I was just mentally scarred from my previous experience with my spouse's drug recovery, and I couldn't handle the uncertainty of life entangled with him, nor could I live with my "failure" of always "waiting for the other shoe to drop." I just felt that I could not get past this.
I no longer really think of this as a failure... I have come to accept that I have been changed by my marriage to an addicted person. Perhaps someday I will be totally free of lingering thoughts and behaviors that were shaped by the last 25 years... who can tell? I just keep working on honesty and being an authentic me.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Well - golf went by the wayside - we had rain this morning and the gals bailed!! I always have a plan B so it was all good with me!
PnP - I choose to believe that 'more is revealed' vs. dishonesty with our step work and program. I believe I have done as well as possible at the time, based on my healing, my recovery and the restoration of sanity. As an example, I've been around recovery for a long, long, long time....I've gone through the steps countless times, done book studies, step studies, etc. I truly feel that I gave it my best each time with no intent to withhold, blame, etc.
I was in a step study 4 years ago, and one gal was sharing some of her resentments. Top of her list was God. It hit me like a flash of lightning that I had never allowed myself to consider a resentment towards God, simply because of my upbringing. I left that meeting, talked with my sponsor and did a whole write-up on the same - my resentments towards God. I ended up taking this to a minister for discussion as I just felt it made sense for me.
What I realized is that the God of my upbringing and the God of my understanding today truly are one and the same. The issue was not God and events in my life were not to cause me pain. How I believe, pray, trust, meditate, hope, live is what's different today. I don't believe I need to be committed to an organized religion to have a relationship with God, I just need to be willing, ready and open.
Just something to consider - I believe everything is exactly as it's supposed to be and that things happen when they are supposed to for a reason. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
@PNP, I could so relate to your share that I got goosebumps.
I applaud you for taking responsibility for your life, that is REAL hard-earned recovery. I, too, was taught to use the steps daily and gradually, they just began to weave together a whole new way of being. I was taught its not "theory" to talk talk talk about.
On every inventory sheet I have ever seen, it specifically asks, "Where was I to blame? Was I selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, or fearful ( some list "inconsiderate").
I do believe it is very "human" to be dishonest even when I never wanted to be a dishonest person. I am personally very glad it was listed on the inventory sheets I was taught to use because it cleared up years of faulty perspectives. Admitting my dishonesty about who was truly responsible for my unhappiness and suffering gave me power... also gave me the sudden feeling I was "part of" the human race, rather than being someone "terminally unique" and special."
Forgiving myself took time. Later, I simply realized my anger at HIM was diminishing on its own because I stopped saddling him with all the blame... instead, taking personal responsibility and letting go of the belief that I was a "victim" of fate...
Today I can see clearly how and why I had attracted (and continue to attract) all of my experiences. I, myself, set up the causes and conditions. This wisdom gives me power. And inventory work is priceless.... helping me to see myself clearly and choose more wisely.
