The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The ODAT reading for today May 28th speaks about the danger of holding resentments. it points out that although we may find it enjoyable to dwell on these thoughts and feel justified in evening the score and paying others back for what they've done to us-- we cannot logically punish someone for what he or she did when we cannot fathom their intentions and motives. Perhaps the hurt was intended but perhaps it was not here we are told by Al-Anon that the alcoholic behavior towards a family is actually actually a backlash of his own guilt and self-hatred nobody has ithe right to punish anyone for anything as our higher power has a reserved that right for himself-- vengeance is mine says the lord. therefore any attempt at retaliation for injury can only hurt ourselves the quote is powerful from Robert Ingerusol:" in nature there is neither rewards and punishments there on the consequences. mus always consider the consequences of my actions before I act
Thanks so much for putting that out again Betty. It is soooo important to me because holding resentments for me was kinda a hope I could even up a score and place it in my score box however my resentment payback for years were out of control like the rest of my life and dangerous, very dangerous on who I sought to even the score with...men, women, children whomever. My last 8th step took 23 years to get into and over with including two round trips of 5600 miles each.I came to realize that my victims would and did blame themselves for the pain I caused and were very very surprised about the amends.
HP was involved deeply and I got closer to HP as a result.
I will reread the page slowly and mediate on it. ((((hugs))))
I loved the quote for today... yes, because it speaks a strong truth, but also b/c our lives are just one aspect of nature. We, as Homo sapiens, are creatures of this Earth... and as such are subject to the Laws of Nature, just as any other creature(s) on this planet are - even though in our self-absorbed way, we like to believe we are above all that!
My consequence of holding onto resentments? A sick body, and the very real possibility of becoming a bitter, old woman!! Yes, there are many things I could be angry and resentful for... and sometimes I still struggle with those negative emotions. But my goals in life right now, are to become mentally and emotionally healed, to become debt free, and to live a more authentic life. All of these cannot live in the same space as anger/resentments. So I have a choice.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thanks Betty for your service. It is with the help of program that I try to get rid of my resentments as soon as possible. It is the hardest with my A, yet I continue to try. I see that holding onto that negative position only hurts me. It also gives the other person power over me. Selfishly for those reasons, I dont want others controlling my emotions. Lyne
Thank you Betty and all who shared. I was one to hold onto resentments, even when I wasn't aware of it. My first husband used to get so mad when during an argument, I would bring up something he did or said YEARS ago! He would say, "Why are you dredging that all up? It has nothing to do with right now!" So true. I was holding onto hurts and resentments that I never forgave or let go of. Now, when I feel resentment or a faux argument in my head, I put a halt to it as soon as possible. I do my best to forgive whoever I am angry/hurt/irritated with just to help ME. It has nothing to do with them, I do it for ME!
Good point, PnP about us being a part of nature....and subject to the laws of nature. Powerful message today for sure!
It was a perfect weather day yesterday here in the western region of New York State. Back to rain, rain, rain almost the rest of the week. We are about 1 inch shy of flood stage on Lake Ontario. So devastating.
I'm sure this was in our literature in another daily reader, but it reminds me of the phrase:
Holding onto a resentment is like drinking poison and hoping for the other person to die.
Resentments are toxic. They do not mesh with my true desires to be a good, forgiving, light-hearted, gentle person. Sometimes, however, my ego feels bruised enough that it wants to hold on. It's that "right and wrong" thing. They were wrong. I was right. I find myself occasionally re-living an old hurt and then watching my head indulge in it. I have to allow myself the time to work past everything before I can finally release and let go.
Sometimes this happens more quickly than others. I think it takes longer for me to let go depending on what deep-seeded fear that person touched in me. I find, actually, that the ones I've been holding on to lately are the ones where I was essentially judged as being incompetent by that person and they indulged in character-assassination against me. That part of me gets really upset due to being bullied by my peers when I was a child. So the resentment really just feels it's protecting little me.
I get to work back through the steps when I find myself nurturing a resentment, especially when I know I really do want to let go but I keep hanging on. Time to bring HP into it.
I found it extremely difficult to deal with resentment. In the end I called it out- and called it what is was- anger and rage... grrr....
...these days- we have access to good professional help... which is sometimes an option.
I did not find this- for economical and geographical reasons... and managed to get help through 12 step meetings. I always say it kept my nose above water.
I always trod very warily in Alanon- for fear of put-downs- or for any sign of authority. Power over others. This was much more a perception, than a fact!
And this helped me to pick over the wreckage of my life and sort out some facts, and reality.
Progress, not perfection, of course...
...but, having said this... I do need to have hopes and dreams... I do need to leave behind the angst and pain. The chronic inability to trust anyone or anything.
Pitching in and being a part of the group helps. Making minor, or baby step errors- that a person can learn from... ...
walking on eggshells- or walking on broken glass??? I always felt I had done both. [Or that was the way things seemed! ]...
Thank you Betty for your service and the daily. Thank you MIP family for your ESH and shares. I know I can not afford to hold on to anger or resentments. It just makes me negative, surly and unhealthy. I spent many years blaming and shaming others for my life and lived in anger and resentment. I dreaded waking up and I dreaded going to bed - always projecting and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I've worked hard in recovery to be present, forgive self and others for past events and live life on life's terms. I have to rid myself of anger before it becomes a resentment and just don't often get angry any longer. I have heard that anger is a secondary emotion, suggesting that there is a deeper feeling I need to identify and reconcile with when I feel angry. This has proven to be true for me/my recovery.
Happy Tuesday all - it's been a busy day here - golf and golf pal birthday party and then extreme weather tonight with extensive tornadoes. We are in the clear for now but more to arrive in the next hour/two. One of my golf gal pals had a lightning strike close to her home last Friday, and it took out her AC, Furnace, Garage Door Openers, a Few TVs, etc. Her next door neighbors also lost all that was not attached to a surge protector. I will be glad when this wacky, wild, extensive weather passes! Hope all had a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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