Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Dancer66 · Veteran Member

need feedback and suggestions

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I am drawing blanks but wanted you to know that I've read your post and it sounds like Step One to me....we are truly powerless. I am sorry you are feeling less important than sports - I can kind of relate to that simply because I've referred to myself as a golf orphan and a golf widow for most of my life. I finally re-evaluated and now golf!

This would be an awesome discussion with a sponsor and/or the counselor you're seeing. Meetings might also help you with expectations, boundaries and detaching. All that's required for attending is concern about drinking in a family member or friend. I would certainly depart and do my own thing if the smell of the alcohol made me ill...keep coming back!

Riley3 · Veteran Member

Oh my its my exact life. My AH watches every sports and plants himself in front of the TV or bar throughout the year. As the years go by he gets more isolated and disappears more. I can not change him. He is going to do what he wants. I do like sports but I like to be at sporting events and I do not like sitting in front of a TV. My AH was like this before I married him but there is no balance. He is very selfish and only thinks of himself which I think is part of being an alcoholic. Its sad for the family to have time with him. I do schedule events like outside baseball or seeing a hockey game. He does attend the kids sports. I have learned to have my own life and hobbies. We do not wait on him to come home from bars. I plan family activities. We do have tons of fun. I had to grieve the relationship. It is what it is!! I do not have any expectations. Its funny when all of a sudden there are not games on TV, he comes looking for his family that is gone. I wonder if he even thinks I wonder why they are not hanging out waiting for me when I want them. Lol There are not any easy answers because an AH doesnt give me a normal family life. I have to figure out how to have fun without him. What did I learn without a plan, plan to fail. If you want to have a happy life, plan your life. Addiction is crazy to try to change them. I had to change myself and change what I thought was a marriage. There is no communication and a lot of sadness. I plan of getting out when the time is right. This is the only way I will have happiness. But as long as I am in this relationship. Alanon helps me to find peace and s life with my AH. Until he gets sober, I have my own life. Its like having a roommate in college, and I get to do my own thing. I make the very best of a very awful situation..

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to find myself twisting myself into a pretzel in order to please the A in my life to feel like I was being "fair" to the relationship.

I personally found it unfulfilling when the people in my life started keeping tabs, saying "well, I spent this day with you, now today is my day".

What I truly wanted was to not feel like I was forcing people into spending time with me. Nor did I like feeling like I was being forced into activities I didn't like, either.

I felt more at ease when I started to practice acceptance, knowing that not everyone likes to do the same things as me. I found friends in the program and at my job who liked filling in those gaps that the A was incapable of.

It eventually turned into detachment with love. You do your thing, I'm gonna go do mine. Have a great day!

We all have to work out what's acceptable and do-able in our lives. As IAH said, this is stuff you can discover for yourself through frequent meetings, working the steps, and talking with your counselor and sponsor. She is right that this sounds totally like step one. I see the powerlessness in your share, and the unmanageability. What might you do different?

Keep in mind, too, that you're going through menopause. I haven't been there yet myself, but I know from several of my female friends that the hormonal changes can make us extremely sensitive to things that used to not bother us at all. If you logically feel your current arrangements really are reasonable but continue finding yourself feeling irrationally irritated, it may be worth adding speaking with your OB-GYN in regards to your emotions and hormones. I know when my hormones are out of whack, I can start to become bat-sh*t crazy and the littlest things just set me off.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

I love knowing that I can come here to all of your for support, encouragement and suggestions.

Dancer, I am sorry you are facing and going through this. Contrary to what many people here think -- this is very, very common. See, what most people miss is that you, me, us, kids, fun, hobbies, hygiene, errands, bills, oh what, everything...everything comes second to drinking for the alcoholic. This is a progressive disease. Period. Wait, eventually it will happen. Everything becomes second.

It's amazing, ironic, and also very, very common that counselling is helping...on everything...except his drinking! No kidding!!! Why? It's obvious. While communication and taking time out for each other is working and has gotten better...is it really working? Is it really better? No, you are not being selfish or stubborn!!! YOU...come second to his drinking. Period. OK, sports and drinking. You are not the one who pulls away...that's deflection, blame, guilt, gas-lighting, and that is what alcoholics have to do!!!

Wait until the NBA playoffs are over. Then it's the Stanley Cup. Then it's pre-season football. Then it's MLB. Nothing changes if nothing changes. OK, spending time together, communication, that's better...but you can't even sleep in your own bed/room without earplugs and sleeping pills??? Maybe that's acceptable for you. I don't know...but that doesn't sound "normal" and "healthy" to me.

It's interesting that YOU are angry and frustrated that HE can't not drink when he's watching sports. Is that really it? Maybe he just can't "not drink" -- because he's an alcoholic. This is about YOU and ACCEPTANCE. Yes, he knows it how much it bothers you and he is not willing -- not even for one day -- to not drink, sports, whatever. Acceptance. True, complete, absolute, acceptance. When you have that...then and only then...are you in a position to find a solution. And, that solution is one of two things...it's either, one, how important is it, and it's not important at all, so you go on and this is the life you live...or it's, two, how important is it, and it's a deal-breaker, and this is not the life I want to live.

This is what happens with an alcoholic or addict. We come second. We can never, ever, compete with the bottle or drug. And, aside from this, in the end, we are second, and having a relationship, doing things together, not participating in the sports, drinking, all of it eventually becomes our fault!!! We detach and it's our fault! We have boundaries and it's our fault! Our fault!

You asked "how do I go about living a normal life when I can't even spend time in my own house in comfort." -- that's a great question. What does your sponsor say? It's not a question to be answered. It's a discussion. It's a learning process. Your problem is NOT about figuring out how to live a normal life when you can't even spend time in your own house in comfort. It's about a much bigger, more global issue and discussion.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene