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I haven't posted in a long time, but could use some support processing this
I had a conversation with my mother yesterday and she told me I'm difficult to be around and complained that my son is not close to her and somehow that's my fault.
Her biggest complaint was that I have set boundaries and do not let her or my dad tease and play with my son the way that they want when it's making me or my son uncomfortable. She also felt I am too close to my spouse and son, and it's awkward for her to be around us when we are so loving and close-knit and she feels left out.
What's confusing for me is she is often distant and passive agressive. She doesn't engage with me or my son in ways that would support a loving relationship and so the relationship is not there. She wants me to change and fix it, but it is not something I have power to change.
Welcome back - good to see you again Taraxacum1....I could write novels on this as my relationship with my mother has been difficult at times over the years and my relationship with my oldest son has it's pros/cons. What I can say is that the strain between my mother and I over the years has been lifted as I finally came to an acceptance of her, as she is, warts and all. It took me years to realize that she is who she is, and it's a by-product of her upbringing. She is passive/aggressive, distant (unless under the influence), quiet (unless under the influence) and very hard to relate/talk to (unless under the influence). Today, I allow her to be who she is, and I love her unconditionally. When she's quiet, I am quiet. When she's distant, I sit with her in silence and when I can't relate, I use the Al-Anon neutral responses. Today, I am able to accept her passive/aggressiveness as her issues, and not mine. She's 83 and not going to ever change, which is perfectly fine with me (now) - I have changed tons.
My oldest, who's watched the strained relationship between my mother and I has very firm boundaries with his boys, my grandchildren. I am not allowed to given them candy, drinks, pretty much anything without asking permission. He also tries to control how we 'play' and 'engage'. I found this difficult at first, but then decided that his boundaries are his and I can do my best to respect them. He feels very justified in shutting me out of things, and keeping me at arm's length at times. This choice is not how I tried to raise him, but actions speak much louder than words and the awkward situation with my mother has given him a set of 'rules' that he imposes, and they are far from normal or even comfortable. This is a child who had the largest heart ever as a young one, but grew hard and difficult as the disease progressed in our family, teen-age years and now adult choices (27).
What I see now is that my 'conditional love' for my mother, judging her and keeping distance has now become a 'passed down' behavior to my son. Had I been able to adopt unconditional love earlier, things may/may not be different/better. I never stop hoping for a close, loving, comfortable relationship with my son and keep doing what I can for my side of the street. Yet, I do know that good/bad/indifferent, the examples we (parents) set do impact far beyond what I considered.
I have never been disrespectful to my mother directly. Yet again, my sons felt that indifference and discomfort as they were growing up. It is partially do to the actions of my boys and their approach to me that facilitated me looking at me and working harder at unconditional acceptance and love. I have friends who are distant from their parents by choice, and wonder why their kids are distant from them....each situation sounds unique and yet I see/find over and over again that the inability to accept another for exactly who they are without conditions sets the stage for repeated patterns of behavior.
I do fully understand estrangement which at times, for me, sounds kind of good, simply because being invited at times and left out at other times is very hard to digest and process. It took me a long while to realize there are no perfect families or perfect family members - everyone is just trying to do 'this' one day at a time. Happy Mother's Day! Take what you like and leave the rest, as always!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I always like the way you process things and my understanding from the last line of your post is that your mother is asking you to change your parenting style/family dynamics in order to solve her feelings for her, have I understood that correctly?
It did occur to me as I was reading your post that perhaps your mother doesn't quite know how to be 'loving and close-knit' - you would know the answer to that much better than I!! Anyway, I was wondering if she has tried to have this conversation with you because maybe there is a part of her that might like to learn how to join in?
Just my take on a potentially alternative point of view - I could be way of the mark. . PS. I don't see anything wrong with setting boundaries around behaviour that makes you or your son uncomfortable. ((((hugs))))
I think your last line of your post says it all...your mother is uncomfortable with you and your family dynamics, wants you to change to suit her, and you are fully aware that it is not within your power to make your Mom feel better with your boundaries.
I am having a hard time understanding the "why's" that she wants to do something (teasing) that you have clearly told her bothers you and your son, and have set boundaries regarding that.
The idea that you are "too close" to your son and husband is just plain ridiculous. Who cares if SHE feels uncomfortable around that?
I am sure you will take everyone's ESH and understand your next steps with this...I wish for you... Strength.
Happy Mother's Day to you!!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you friends
I am trying to wrap my mind around what I can do. My mom is struggling with her relationships and is feeling a lot of sadness about my dad who is sick, and the lack of love in our extended family.
I had already been asking her to let me come over to her house more. To let my family be supportive while my dad is sick. But she has rejected me. She wants me to change, and has decided I'm the problem, but I don't know if that matters. If she's willing to spend the time together maybe it doesn't matter what type of blaming language she's using today - we can just spend the time together and see what happens
My parents are 83 and are from a generation, the greatest generation, that really struggles to ask for help - or even to receive it. One great tool I've found is to just keep asking how I can be of service. I set aside the negativity and the judgments and the suggestions and just keep focusing on trying to be of service.
My mother is having some new found health issues and would not want me to come if I ask her. My father is her care-giver and needs breaks and help. I tend to go to him and offer support and help and ask this question often. I am sending prayers for you all - family is difficult at best and hard for me to navigate, yet I just keep trying one day at a time! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm reminded of what I'm taught when I come into these rooms - happiness is an inside job. That means each of us is responsible for our own happiness. I'm responsible for mine. My parents are responsible for theirs, etc. When I start looking to others to change so that I can be okay I've put unnecessary responsibility into the hands of others.
My mother used to tell me often "I wish we were closer". It always made me feel guilty and responsible for our relationship. I was certainly responsible for how I showed up, yes, but I wasn't in charge of making my mother feel closer to me. That's her job.
My mother is so confusing to me at times and it really helps to talk things through here. I'm keeping busy by addressing my side of the street (and trying really really hard not to expect my family members to reciprocate any of my healthy steps) and leaning into my program - which had slid to the back burner so it's kind of nice to put more time and attention there.
My mother really wants to babysit, she said a lot of things to me about how she can't have a relationship with my son if I am present. I literally do not understand this, I don't do things to separate them or intrude. Years ago my mom buckled my son into a car seat in an unsafe way, then tried to hide it, then yelled at me and told me I was controlling and hung up on me. She is hanging onto that conflict, I haven't left my son in her care since then but I also make lots of opportunities for them to be together and she chooses not to come, or to leave early, or just sits separately instead of playing with him (those behaviors started before the car seat conflict) I really don't know what can be done if she isn't willing to rebuild trust or connect with my son. I also feel badly when folks close to her age come here and describe their children - yep I tell my parents to go easy on the sugar, and turn off the TV. Those things are just different than they were in the 80's but I'm also making an effort to welcome my mother into my life, even if she doesn't appreciate it
As a mother of a "millennial baby," I chose to do many things different than my parents did with me and my siblings. My in-laws, who were easily 10 years older than my parents also thought some of my requests were "strange," but you know what? Both sets of parents valued me and my parenting skills enough to ALWAYS abide with what I wanted for MY child.
Stick to your parenting ideals...I see your mother as inflexible and making this all about HER and her needs. Not about supporting YOU, or really embracing interacting with your child.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
In my case, I use the 12 steps as my perfect guide, probably with mother more than anyone else! I'm glad you feel "relief" coming here but in the long run, the solutions that stood the test of time for me were the result of the work I've done, I stopped taking short cuts ( we are worth it!)
Inventory work especially helped determine what about mom causes ME to feel so threatened, learning the real cause for my suffering which is in ME... never anything "out there" as it always appears.
and just trying to "understand" mom... she had been diagnosed as borderline personality disorder among other things and in doing my research on that alone, I "came to understand" that my Mom cannot help doing what she does...
exactly like an alcoholic.... her behavior is not personal! so my amends is.... not taking Mom's behavior personally, it is NOT about me but her... this brings relief to me when she insists that it is me making her unhappy... poor mother is under that "delusion" ...and it's sad she doesn't even know (compassion for mom.)
I try to honor her as my mother, practicing patience... and at the same time, I honor myself because recovery is not about sacrificing myself. I try to see her through Higher Power's eyes... love and tolerance... calmness and understanding...
So often I say to mom,
"I hear what you want from me... and this is what I want... " or, "I understand what you are asking but this is what I am able to do..."
Always telling her I hear you or I understand you. But I make myself a victim no more.
Occasionally I have to do the "broken record" thing... repeating over and over again because she can very insisting, her mind keeps circling around to what she wants so I have to circle around too....
"I'm sorry we cannot agree... I'm sorry I can't do that... Yep, sorry about that... nope.... sorry...."
She still punishes me as she did during my childhood, when she isn't happy, she blames it on everything outside of her.
yep, the truth is... happiness is an inside job. Even if someone doesn't believe that, I can stand in that truth. I have long let myself off the hook for things I cannot control. no matter how others find fault or criticize me...
"Believing them"......... is my part in it.
I try very hard to let mother feel my love despite our disagreements..... ( detachment with love).... for me that means I don't stick around as long as I used to because the longer I stick around, the more likely the trouble will begin again. (this is a boundary around my serenity... our serenity is something we are responsible for.)
But I do visit mom and extend my love while I am there and "shorter visits" are working very well for us!!! I always leave when things start feeling wonky for ME... "oops, I gotta go... bye mom... I love you!!!"
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 14th of May 2019 10:23:14 AM
Yes, we might all be from the same mother.....separated at birth...lol. It has taken me years and mostly from the help of alanon to not take my mom's words, behaviors or rudeness personally. Without a diagnosis, there is definitely a form of one or two personality disorders...narcissism being one. She can't help it and I can't believe she is very happy with herself...without even knowing why.
Boundaries....time wise.....saying the serenity prayer, asking HP for tolerance, patience and compassion before I am with her, honoring myself to offset her demands....it is all there. Growing up, I frequently wished for a "normal" mother. As an adult I have accepted she is who she is and I need to love her the best I can as my mother. It does not mean I have to like her or agree with her tactics. I have had to learn to detach from her more than my AH....and I haven't lived with her in over 40 years!
AAAAHHHHHH!!! so much value in the posts. And yes it seems some or many of us have share very closely very similar experiences. What is of great value to me are these similar shares about what you have done to "change the things you could". 2HP (2horse power) I want to include at lease another three zeros after the 2 to do your ESH justice because I was taught by some very wise and experienced Al-Anon Family members when I found the program even with the same dialogue that you use.
Through all of the wars and battles my family went thru I accepted, I changed the things I could and needed to and sat in the rooms and listened toward wisdom with the intent to practice new and better thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Whatever you feel in your gut is usually a good decision.
My mom would tell me I spent too much time with my children. My children are very loving and close to me.
I think it bothered my mom about my relationship with others because we didnt have a close loving relationship. Our relationship didnt have trust and it was built on lies. I sure sure was jealous for the attention I got. My mom had to be the center of attention. I think my mom felt uncomfortable because she didnt give or get a loving relationship.
I wanted my children to have a different life. My mom would try to put me on a guilt trip because I wouldnt act the way she wanted but I knew this was her manipulation trick. She would sulk if she didnt get her way.
Nope I dont feel the guilt but I am happy that my mom noticed that I had a great relationship with my kids.
Thanks for the share Riley and for the understanding you have had. I accepted that my mother and I were different in ways some of hers surprised me and then I came to understand what differences were and how to accept and let them go. She was my mother not my identical twin...lol. Thanks again ((((hugs))))
Thank you all for the ESH
I'm feeling more at ease with the situation and I'm inviting my mom to go out with us this weekend or have us up to her place if my dad needs to stay home. All I can do is be open and loving towards who my mother is (not a wish or an illusion, who she really is)
Good to read that you are feeling more at ease. Sounds like moving forward, you have embraced ACCEPTANCE of who she is right now, and understand that you being open & loving will probably bring you peace.
Wishing you serenity and stability this weekend!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
So glad you stopped by and gave an update! You've been on my mind and in my prayers. It sounds like you're doing what feels to be the next right thing and agree with PnP - practicing acceptance. Once I embraced my parents as more 'imperfect people' and my sponsor suggested spending time with them could be considered service and self-less, it became easier and easier to just accept the differences between us and not take things so personally! You got this! Make it a great outing, just for you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I seriously doubt I ever had a nurturing conversation with my mother on any level for the 85 years she was alive. I always craved and hoped I could get one but none came
At one time I ran away from home when I was 13 and that act made her even more hostile towards me. No matter what I did, what I achieved, what my health was my mother never responded in any measure I could call loving.
My mother's answer to these issues was always to blame, judge and prove that I was the problem.
I think it has taken me years of therapy, al anon and reflection to get to the point of detachment. Very little that happened in my childhood had anything to do with me.
I had almost no control over how my mother perceived the world or her part in creating a dysfunctional environment.
I also had very little to do with how she perceived me as an adult. At one point I didn't talk to anyone in my family for over 10 years.
Coming to terms with my childhood and my parents has been a very challenging task. At the same time seeing my mother as the dysfunctional parent she was caused me great grief and immense sadness not to mention absolute rage. Being free of trying to please others has been one of the greatest gifts that al anon has given me because pleasing others was one of the few ways that I knew how to relate.
I am so grateful for that opportunity. Being in therapy for decades was time consuming and extraordinarily expensive yet the bonus was a point where I can be at peace with my life. Peace is very nurturing in ways I couldn't imagine.
It is worth toiling through all these hard times and to do the work of grief. The people I know like my former sponsor who have endured great grief have a life that is rich with pleasure, empathy and love.
Every day you work on yourself is a step towards better times and those better times are certainly worth it.
. PS. I don't see anything wrong with setting boundaries around behaviour that makes you or your son uncomfortable. ((((hugs))))