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Last Friday was the day my h was going to file for divorce. He had an appt with his lawyer. In the morning he called to say his car broke down and would need to take it in to get fixed. I stupidly said he could have my car for the day. Here I am being nice and giving him my car and he used it to go to the lawyer. I didn't know about it til friday night. We had watched a movie together and then he went upstairs and I could hear him crying. I went up to check on him and he said he's so unhappy living here and that he filed for a separation instead. Here I am making sure he's ok and he lays this on me. I knew it was coming but was so sure he wasn't going through with it.
It's been awful here since then. I don't want to talk to him at all, I can barely look at him. I know my kids sense something since we're not acting like we used to. They don't ask and I don't know when we're going to tell them. He's putting it off since he's sure they will hate him for it. He's not supposed to leave til the end of may and I don't know how I'm going to get through these next few weeks. He once told me long ago when I was making a big deal out of him going out 2 nights a week that I shouldn't rely on him for my happiness (which in the end is true). I brought that up to him and suggested maybe he wasn't happy with himself and took it out on us. He blames me for his unhappiness and why he still uses.
A little background. When my daughter was born, I quit my full time job to stay home with her. I don't remember ever saying that when she was 8 or 10 or 12 that I would go back to work full time. I just didn't think about it. He's been wanting me to go back to work full time to help pay off his debt (mostly from cash advances to pay for his addiction). I have debt too but I work part time and plan on having it paid off in a few years. My thoughts were if I worked to pay off his debt, he'd just make more. Besides, I have been looking for work but my skills are getting outdated and I dont have the money to go back to school. I told him that I had been applying for jobs but not getting any responses, his response was that I wasn't trying hard enough.
I don't know what to think anymore. Part of me wants him gone, the other half doesn't. I've never lived alone for more than a month and I've never been without someone in my life. It's too scary out there. Guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself today. Thanks for listening.
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through! I know the pain of a divorce--it seems like your heart just rips out. You sit back and just wonder how on earth you got there. I wish I knew something that would take that pain away from you. I will be praying for you and hope you and your husband will find some peace.
It's me again. The sad thing is I can't take time for myself. My h says that while he's working I sit at home and do crossword puzzles or knit or watch tv, etc. He doesn't realize that from the time everyone leaves in the morning til they all start getting home, I'm busy. Either cleaning, working (I work from home), cooking or whatever. He thinks I don't do anything. From an earlier post, I did say that I realized that I could do other things around here instead of waiting for him to do them, and I've started to do those things too. So that adds to my day. I do stuff for school (which he hates and wants me to stop) but I try to do that at night. It seems I can't even sit and watch tv in the evening without feeling guilty. Just because he likes to read books about his job and history, he thinks he's doing more than me and I'm wasting my time. He watches shows on the history channel and cnn, while the kids and I like american idol, etc. I feel guilty about writing this post even, should be doing something constructive. I think he feels I should be looking for work and trying to better myself 24 hours a day.
He's going away with a friend this thursday night and coming home saturday. That will be a little break for all of us.
hi, you know what I see? When he does finally get out, he will still be using and still be miserable and he will see it is NOT you causing his misery.
I hope you know it is not you doing anything. We cannot make them start or stop or anything. What we can do is set our lives up to take care of us and our children.This is HIS problem not yours.
I am sad about your kids. But I can tell you from experience, they must be told asap. When things don't feel right, kids think they are the problem. They somehow did something wrong.
If I were you, I would have him tell them. I would not act like a shrew or fight or yell or anything. I would be a lady and be a strong mom. That is what your kiddos need. To me it is so sad when kids are involved.
We cannot control anything the A does. We can help ourselves.
This is hard. I am going thru something similar with my sober A H. They have to blame it on someone and it isn't going to be them. My A has said similar things about being unhappy with me. He has moved out and has threatened divorce. There is alot of power in that threat of divorce. As they say in Alanon you can't control it, didn't cause, and can't cure it. And you don't have to take on that you are doing something wrong. They don't want to look at themselves or change or take on responsibility.
I ask for help from my HP everyday. I made my A my HP but I am trying to end that relationship. There is light at the end of tunnel for us. I sometimes have to fake it til I make it. I have been alone for almost a year. It is very hard at times but there is lots of help from others. I am learning to ask for help. We need to get stronger to take care of ourselves and our children.
Hi Cabma just because you and your husband have different things you like does not make him more intelligent than you. Your self esteem has been shattered by the words he uses towards you. You are a good person, a great mother and you should value yourself. We do. It doesn't matter what his opinion of you is. Beauty comes from within and you have it. There is no more important job in the world than that of a mother. Luv Leo xxx
