Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Elabella · Senior Member

Not sure if AlAnon can help with all of my issues?

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

No recovery program will solve all problems for every member. Only you can determine if outside help is needed/wanted! What I do know about Al-Anon is others with similar experiences will share their ESH with you and allow you to decide if you can heal/deal with just Al-Anon recovery.

Many in Al-Anon are also ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and they do also have a separate program. I am sorry for all that has happened in your family - the disease does destroy and damage many families at every level - that's why it's called a family disease.

I did not 'skate' through my childhood and alcoholism goes back in my family 4 or 5 generations. I have gotten outside counseling in my past to deal with FOO (family of origin) issues. I am sorry for what you are going through and what you've been through. I am sending you tons of healing thoughts and prayers!

Elabella · Senior Member

Thank you Iamhere. I know I probably should look into other help as well. I just figured that because AlAnon deals with the disease- that somehow my situation could be dealt with. I think I need more. I dont know if Im strong enough to just deal with this in my weekly AlAnon meetings. Its too big and overwhelming. Right now anyways.

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Elabella good for you stepping up and shining the light on "issues". For me that fell under the "Courage to change the things we could" from the serenity prayer. I had a friend that listened to and learned a bit about where I came from who told me about a movie he saw called "Mommy Dearest" and suggested I might want to see it. I did go and it left me in the dark weeping whole fully because it triggered facets of my life and relations with my mother who was abusive and mean during my early years at home. I did not learn to hate her I hated what was done to me. At 17 I left home and came back to Hawaii to resume my life which included masterfully amounts of alcoholism and insanity. I eventually found the doors behind which I would get help in several places. Eventually I became a therapist and under the direction and suggestion of my Higher Power included my Mother and Step-Father as clients. They were very grateful for the process as we all were.

I have had many opportunities to "change the things I can and feel the resulting miracles". My mother died and before she did got the ESH of recovery and the gratitude that she could feel the blessings from change which came mostly from within the program.

Take it step by step and bite by bite sister with an open mind and watch and share the changes with others you meet. Keep coming back. ((((Hugs)))) smile

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Elabella, I can relate to your post because my father was a serial sex offender and incest aggressor.....do i qualify for al-anon??? aca???? CoDa???? YOU BET!!!!! a "qualifier" is anyone who abused alcohol or was just abusive...i am in ACA for my issues, but I come HERE , too, and I get , albeit not as much, considering my uncomfortable issues, there are folks here to , sadly, had similar childhoods and have shared with me.....

I tried outside help with Councillors and psychologists and I found the greatest help and support in THESE rooms/boards...People who have shared same or similar pain have given me more experience, strength and hope and wisdom and acceptance than any therapist did

as to the "forgive and move on????" that is an insult to the victim and others impacted by her being so evilly attacked....Ohhh I was told the same thing...Forgive him and move on!!! so just FORGET about my pain, DISCOUNT me some more, why dontcha by just minimizing me and my fellow victims of his abuse., just let me know some MORE that my pain, devastation of my entire life, my inability to even love and be kind to me...Oh yea, lets just "forget it" lets just forgive the scum and move on...

Well??? when I decided to get into recovery, I had to cut out ALL non supporters of me and they were plenty...a sister who DEMANDED "WHY didn't YOU stop him molesting you????" Oh yea!!! I am a 14 year old, up against one who is capable of murder, he tried to get ME to kill my own mother...and oh yea, I am gonna stop someone who kills our pets to keep us in line, who beat my baby brothers half to death if I did not cooperate....my cousin was in town last week and we had a very interesting chat about him and NO!!! I don't HAVE to forgive un=sorry evil and I "MOVE ON" WHEN it is safe and healthy for ME...AFTER I have felt all the pain, shared it, traced all my memories and felt the anger, grief, outrage, abandonment, betrayal at the largest level, NOT until I have FELT ALL my feelings and it is OK for me...yea, I can FINALLY after 15 years recovery stop hating his guts and wanting to kill him over and over, I can finally give that over and focus on loving and resurrecting me....I was Lazarath and MIP 12 steps was my Savior that I found who breathed life back into my mentally, emotionally, spiritually dead little body

I had my own family turn against me and I dropped them like a bad habit...I needed ONLY support and love and believing me and folks who would love/accept/believe/support/ me in my recovery

you belong Anywhere you feel comfortable and helped....another's dysfunction and horrid behavior caused you to be where you are...I would say that here and ACA would be good starts with you and see how you feel....

for me??? professionals only gave me marginal help...I got my best growth progress hanging out here and in ACA

so hang out here, and anywhere you feel you get helped and love and validation and the acceptance that you deserve

sending you support hugs

-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 5th of May 2019 02:48:58 PM

Elabella · Senior Member

Thank you JerryF- I thought exactly what you said just today. Im finding the courage to deal with this trauma head on. Thats so amazing that you became a therapist and actually were able to forgive and take your parents on as clients. Wow. Im truly amazed. I dont know if I will ever get to that point of acceptance and forgiveness. Its something to strive for. But not right now. Thank you for your input. One day at a time and bite by bite. Mamalioness- thank you for your input. You too had lots of trauma and Im so sorry you had to go through that as a child. I dont understand the evil that is committed by these human beings. Im so angry, repulsed, sad and disappointed that any of this happened. I carry the guilt that HE should be carrying- but he has no remorse and actually takes things a step further by rubbing salt in the wounds. That poor aunt of mine ended up very mentally ill, and he just used that to his advantage. Says shes a nutcase. Should be locked up and throw away the key. How can someone talk this way? I honestly feel like he is the devil in human form. I dont know why adults would harm children. I cant comprehend this at all. Im thankful for your share, at least I know that AlAnon can help me. I will also look into the other program. Hugs...

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Elabella wrote:
he has no remorse and actually takes things a step further by rubbing salt in the wounds. That poor aunt of mine ended up very mentally ill, and he just used that to his advantage. Says shes a nutcase. Should be locked up and throw away the key. How can someone talk this way? I honestly feel like he is the devil in human form...

Evil has no soul, no remourse, no empathy or compassion...NEVER any sense of guilt...When my monster finished shattering my mind and I ended up having a breakdown in 1972, he slammed me..put me down...said I should be "passed away" (didn't want me in hospital out of fear the abuse would come out)...mom threatened to kill him if he EVER came near me again and she was dead serious....the monster destroyed his whole family, either by beatings, or molestation wtih me, or both or killing our pets to keep us "cooperative" yea, I had to "cooperate" with him because I Knew in all my heart he was capable of killing not just our pets, but any live being that crossed him.....You and I will never understand this darkness because we are spirits of the LIGHT...LIGHT will never understand that kind of dark evil and I don't really WANT to understand the darkness!!! I want to avoid it...As i work to re-claim my life, i know i will never 100% heal/recover..the trauma went on for too long...My mother took to drinking to get away...i just shut down and disassociated from my own body, mind and spirit and feelings...

It has taken me 15 years in recovery to figure out #1, I was innocent and 100% blameless---#2, it was something evil that happened to me, it does NOT define me----#3, it was HIS crime, not mind and I am blameless in that "how does a child stop a killer demon when she is only 14 and he is 45"---#4, it took him years to groom me, break me down enough to be able to victimize me (it didn't just happen over night...he began tearing me down early on, by telling me my mom wanted to murder me, and other horrid lies)---#5, I am just as lovable, acceptable and good as anyone else----#6, the biggest amends are what I owe to me and poor God for cussing /blaming him for all of this-----#7, ACCEPTANCE: accepting that i am only going to heal "so far" and will have to accept and manage those parts of me that won't fully come back---#8, and this is a big one: I CAN and DO take good care of me, defend my boundaries, assert my needs and wants and I can be with my feelings w/out feeling shame/fear over them and I do very proactive stuff to cut my stress, like exercise, diet, life changes, keeping things simple, meditation, cutting down or off unnecessary stressors, walking away from that which I am powerless over, doing a lot of self talk to encourage and comfort me, program steps and slogans practice, NOT fighting life, going around or under or stepping back and coming back to a project that is resisting me, but NON resistance is a big one and the hardest because when life throws boulders at me, i go back to being that helpless, frightened, despaired child who thinks she is doomed...practicing better behavior so as to "change my thinking" (REEEEL hard)

Those are just some things I do to "lighten" my life burdens

I am glad I saw your post and could shed some light on this for you....My heart bleeds for your poor auntie...I hope she is getting help....we may not come back all the way, but we CAN make a life that is OK and livable....NONE of my dreams came true because of the destruction he did, so I just have to make NEW dreams...........sending you (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Choriste · Member

Love and light to all who have suffered so badly. I agree - it's definitely your own decision about what help you need, but the 12-step rooms are a great place to begin. Just wanted to chime in and say as we do "thanks for sharing" and "keep coming back"

Elabella · Senior Member

Mamalioness- thanks for all your insight. My aunt lives in a group home as she is so sick that she would not be able to manage on her own. Shes paranoid schizophrenic and bipolar. She didnt get sick until her late teens. Im convinced after reading much on the topic that her sickness was caused by the extreme childhood trauma. I feel so awful and guilty- not sure why because hes the evil one that molested that poor child for years. Many times with me in the bed, which I have no recollection of. That terrifies me. I feel that all this trauma and now dealing with an AH, really is too much for me. Last year I had a massive heart attack which Im sure was caused by all the stress and trauma Ive endured my whole 49 years on this planet. Im tired of it already. Thats why I humbly came to AlAnon looking for answers and guidance for peace for me finally. I cant be a good mom or a good partner if Im so sick from this disease of alcoholism thats affected my life so badly. I thank you for taking time to share with me. Hugs to you.. Choriste- thank you....

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((Elabella))))))))))))). My heart absolutely bleeds for your poor little aunt. He killed her. Yeah she is breathing and eating an existing, but he killed her. Theres nothing you can do except to love her when youre around her, there really isnt much you can do. He will pay for what he did. I do believe in an after awareness and trust me both of these evil Manure piles will pay

Yes I had to go back and trace and face everything that was done and said and not done That shouldve been done to help me, my mother was an alcoholic, she just couldnt cope living with such evil so she drink herself to death literally. Another death on his hands. But again, all I can do is try to fix and help me. Try to connect with myself. And try to make a life for myself in spite of all of my wounds and fears and issues. I am much better than I used to be. Just being believed and validated and accepted and loved for who I am, has helped me greatly. Also learning how to set good healthy boundaries, identifying my needs and wants and doing my best to take care of them, working the steps and the slogans, sharing and caring whether others on these boards, I can think a lot healthier and make healthier choices and also life isnt something like a prison sentence as it was before. I can give myself joy and fun now, I dont know if I will ever feel safe because been so sick for so long, Ive made bad career choices and therefore I dont make very much Social Security and I have to work part time to supplement it and work is getting harder and harder for me to fine because I only want two days a week in the mornings. So the people who respond to my adds either want more than I want to give or its not enough. Or they want me to work out of my house and then I have to fight to get paid for my work, no thanks

So I am always afraid that one day I will not be able to support myself anymore because I cannot work more than two mornings a week because the mental stimulation really exhausted me. Its so weird I can go all day physically and not even be phased, I can out play people on the tennis courts half my age, but mental stimulation exhausts me. So I am in a way disabled

So I just do my best and hope for the rest with low expectations so I am not disappointed so much, and I literally live one day at a time. I do feel a lot better about myself than I did before, I am way better than I used to be but I still have a long ways to go. Please keep coming back because this program really does work. If you can help a mess like me, it can help anybody

-- Edited by mamalioness on Thursday 9th of May 2019 11:39:41 PM

Elabella · Senior Member

Mamalioness- thank you for your support. Im also supporting you right back! Youve been through so much, but you are still here and youre helping by shining your light! Youve eased my mind and I thank you so much for that! Take care- have a lovely weekend!

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Elabella wrote:
Mamalioness- thank you for your support. Im also supporting you right back! Youve been through so much, but you are still here and youre helping by shining your light! Youve eased my mind and I thank you so much for that! Take care- have a lovely weekend!

Well, recovery sister, hand in hand--heart to heart---we CAN---we CAN get better!!! Just knowing that I'm not alone, isolated, "a unique freak" helps me a lot..You got my support ...Sharing and caring is how we defeat and smack down the evil.....I am so glad I did something positive for you....I want to be a vessel of the LIGHT...I see you as one............HUGS

newnoz · Veteran Member

It never ceases to amaze me the way Al-Anon has worked for me. Somedays I'm still a mess but overall my life has improved and much of that improvement has been the issues that improved or even vanished in the program. I started to see how my alcohol family set me up for much of the abuse in my childhood and adulthood and how I abused others as a result without understanding that was what I was doing.

I see connects all over and I've been able to let go of at least some of my perfectionism. Now I don't imagine me as perfect in some imaginary future. What I see is that I'm following a path that is less about self-will and more about my Higher Power's lead. I don't think my God wants me perfect. So I focus on functional and manageable. I was able to get some serious therapy for the sexual abuse and I also found out I have autism. Somehow my group accepts me as I am though I would be surprised if some wished I was more this or less that at times.

If you can get involved in service work, which can start out very small, do it. You get to know people in a way you can't in meetings. There are a lot of cool conversations while setting up the room.

Right now may feel black at times but there are plenty of others with the same issues. That also amazes me. It is wonderful not to feel unique in that way.

Just keep coming back

Nora G

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-Anon is a spiritual program. While it's presumed focus is helping friends and families of alcoholics, alcoholism itself is a spiritual malady and Al-Anon addresses that if you're willing and open. I later came to define the word "alcoholism" in the steps as "other people, places, and things", as I find the steps in the program work not only with the alcoholics in my life, but other people, places and things that I find challenging.

That said, as others mentioned, we're not all carbon-copies of one-another, and what I find works for me may not resonate with you or someone else. I agree that if you feel you wish to seek additional support for the situations you grew up in, by all means, do what you feel will help you.

I sometimes see people in meetings criticizing psychologists and counselors, saying that meetings are all they needed. I disagree. I worked with a counselor for around a year in addition to going to Al-Anon meetings and working the steps with my sponsor. I found the counselor's professional observations and guidance helpful.

Just know you're welcome to learn what you can for yourself in the rooms of Al-Anon, as well.

I'm sorry you experienced such dysfunction in your past.

Riley3 · Veteran Member

Alanon gives support that understands the situation you are in and that it provides strength, courage, and hope to have your life back. I had an awful childhood and suffer PTSD which I now realized why I picked my AH. It all makes sense. I had therapy to work out my childhood life. It was the best thing I ever did. I dont suffer from being triggered continuously all day with my AH. I can observe and be more effective. I can now put the past in the past and it doesnt affect my present day situation. I dont have the anger and resentment from my childhood. I have accepted it and I am making a whole new life. It still is crazy with living with an AH but I have learned to live in it without it paralyzing me.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

My suggestion is what my sponsor said to me while all issues can be brought to light and worked on in Alanon some issues need additional and professional help.

With that I did Alanon as well as private therapy. It was a life saver I found someone who specialized in Trauma therapy and it made a huge difference in my growth.

I hope you find what will work for you, because it's your healing and you are responsible for it. We are the same age .. lol .. and I still have a few things that come up and bite me from time to time .. alanon is a great place to relearn habits .. private therapy can push through some of the blocks with professionals who know how to deal with traumatic situations and a sponsor can help sort those feelings out through inner personal work.

Hugs :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene