The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am doing all I can to do self care. However, I am nearing my breaking point. Since Friday, I have been homeless, living at my sisters home. I am in the process of selling my home and all I have received is negative feedback from the state of my home. Not clean enough even though I have spent hours cleaning it. I am exhausted. I have no help with cleaning any further and I have de-cluttered the best I c an to make the home presentable for sale. I had a man friend who I had become close to, help me and he decided he wants a break from me. I am to demanding of his time and energy and the many projects I have. He is a dry drunk and I started having serious feeling for him. He decided he wants no relationship with me. I hurt. I feel dumped again. Then there is my ex-husband constantly hounding me about the well being of my daughter who remains in mental health hospital. Then there is my ex-bf who I own the house with. I talked with him about the house situation and he informs he got engaged and she committed suicide and will not help with the house situation. Then there is the neighbor demanding money for the new fence he built. My share. Then there is a man I know who keeps contacting me for sex. I am to drop everything and go and have free sex with him. I have known him 10 months and its one sided, him and his needs only. He does nothing to help me with anything and right now I feel so overwhelmed with the house situation. I need to get it cleaned more and get the smoke smell out. Then there is my older sister who's home I am at. She is sick with lung cancer and needs help around the home. Well, yesterday, I finally blew a gasket and told all the men to leave me alone. I feel so disorganized, homeless, completely out of wack. I have no routine and I need routine. It's like no-one cares. This does not include my own health issues. Another story! Yesterday, I said if this stress continues, I will have heart attack. Then yesterday the doctor office called me and wants me back in for another heart test in a month. The stress has been to much, omg.
I finally stood my ground and said enough is enough is enough! I am not jumping through hoops for anyone anymore! I need to look after me bad right now. My sister even said I am stressed and noticed how miserable I am. She said for me to take time out for me, go to the steam room, do something good for yourself today. I am exercising to distress but its not enough! I am reading what I can on the board to help me. I decided I am going to an AA meeting today just to get my focus back. There is no Al-anon meetings during the day here where I am at. I feel I am running on fumes and nearing a melt down. I cried last night as I was so stressed! I just can not take anymore BS anymore. I guess in a way I am finally standing up for me and said enough is enough I am not going to be used and abused anymore! I had my fill. I just keep praying, god, god, let your will be done and help me! I can not do this but you can. I feel I have no time for dating or men right now. I may never be able to date again. That is ok. What I need right now is finances to hire people to help with cleaning and getting things done at my home so I can get it sold ASAP. I feel alone trying to deal with all this mess. I am needing prayers and help right now. I need to get myself organized and focused so I can do the next right thing.
I keep saying what is my best interest? What must I do? God help me, let your will be done! I need help before I drop from stress. I Can not give anymore to anyone right now. I feel so alone and helpless. I feel completely out of control. I feel like the world is falling in on me and the man I had known, I told him about how overwhelmed I feel and his response is stop feeling sorry for yourself! Well that was it, I blew a gasket on him and told him to find another woman he can get free sex from. I am done giving and not getting anything or any help from him. He has the time and energy and he does not care. Well that was it, I told him to hit the road. I do not need a one sided relationship that works on his time and needs. What about me? I am not even considered. I am a after thought if even that. I finally said no more. I need to take care of me and my stuff, the house, my health, my daughter, my living situation, and me. I have no time for men nor dating. I have enough on my plate. My head spins the moment I wake up with what I have to do and I get overwhelmed and I feel so alone and angry, so angry! So angry that I am left to deal with all this responsibility. Its to much to handle for me. God help me, god help me!
Brava! Brava for standing up for yourself. You will be the only one who can provide what YOU need. Keep moving in that direction.
Wishing you peace today.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
{{{Joker}}} Your plate is not just full but spilling over. It's good you realize you need to focus on you at the moment. Do you have a sponsor? That one to one support can be a tremendous help at a time like this. When I was in a very low place I found a sponsor on this board. She was and still is a tremendous help to me. You could look at your F2F meeting as well. Help is here for you so keep coming back, Lyne
I like the word NO and came to understand that it is a full sentence. Two letters put together meaning everything you need to hear. Keep practicing NO. ((((hugs))))
(((Joker))) - I am sending tons of positive energy, thoughts and love your way - I am sorry you are so overwhelmed!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
