Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Elabella · Senior Member

I am back after a year of trials and tribulations...

Elabella · Senior Member

This is how messed up I am. I just noticed that I did write in August of last year, 4 months post heart attack. The stress of this all and the meds Im on have really played a number on my memory. Im so sorry to all who are reading this wondering what the hell is wrong with me LOL! God help me...

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Ela)))) go easy on yourself. The stress of the disease is powerful and bad enough time to do easy does it and let go and let God. It's good you are past the surgery and hopefully on a recovery protocol to get continuously healthy. It is time to take care of Ela and the program and MIP are here to stand with you. I went thru some seriously heavy insanity before I committed to the program yet committing to the program and letting the fellowship and elders guide me with less and less resistence pulled me thru and got me committed to the program. My alcoholic/addicts life spiraled out of control and then she too fround recovery on her own. Last time I saw her God did for her what was also done for me and now I am happy joyous and free.

I will keep coming back and hope you will join in. (((((hugs))))) wink

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Good to see you again Elabella! I agree with Jerry - be gentle with yourself....my hope is that your continue to recover, and grow stronger each day! My AH had 2 heart attacks, 3 stents and triple bypass. I can attest that memory is an issue for him, and is actually listed as a possible side effect from heart disease treatment. I don't have any heart issues, and can't remember what I did yesterday - hummm.....

I am sending your prayers and positive energy/thoughts. One of many things I love about recovery is the door is always open and the porch light remains lit permanently! (((Hugs)))

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome back. Jerry is so correct.... it IS time to take care of Ela!
Commit to it, like nothing else. Wishing you strength!

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome back Elabella. AlAnon is the right place for us. I have found it to be a judgement-free place. I don't have to worry about saying the truth - even if it is the same truth as I have said previously.
In my experience, giving myself priority has miraculously given me the grace to allow those whom I had tried to "help" (read control) abide by their own choices. This freed me to finally relax -- just my own experience.
I love the serenity prayer, my own pain reliever.
Keep coming back.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome home, and a pleasure to have you back here with us. Kudos to your decision to choose Al-Anon, and recovery for yourself.....

Tom

Elabella · Senior Member

Thanks for all the encouragement. I know that now I am ready to work this program. I have nothing else left. I have to let go and let God takeover. Scary for this girl who is a control freak. I grew up in an alcoholic abusive household. Too many emotional scars to even write about, but Im sure many of you are familiar with the dysfunction. When I started to date my AH, 30 years ago (!), I consciously chose him because he was everything my father was not. I swore to myself I would never marry an abusive , womanizing alcoholic. He was not any of those things for years! Then when we had our daughter things started to change and have gone downhill since then. Yes- weve had lots of happy times but the alcohol took over his and our lives and hasnt let go. Im so ready to do this. Im excited about it! Im committed to working on myself. I know that Im a huge part of the picture. Just need to figure out where Ive gone wrong. Now I have a question- being as it is that Im a stay at home mom I have this constant dilemma. When my AH works- he works very very long hours. 14-16 hours a day. Often he runs out of beer, and cant get to the store because he has to be at work. He will in those instances beg me to do him the favour and go to the beer store for him. I feel guilty saying no because Im home- I have plenty of time to do it. He cant. And I know if he doesnt get the beer he will be violently ill and cannot function. Like he will die. He drinks everyday from the moment he opens his eyes to the moment he hits the sack. His drinking doesnt make him drunk- it basically sustains his functioning. I feel awful because hes the breadwinner. Am I being unreasonable saying no I wont buy it? Its essentially like his medicine. Im not sure what is right or wrong. Any of you with similar experience willing to share what you did? Im torn.

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

I had somewhat closely the same experiences and also felt the guilt and fear regarding saying no then I know the longer I waited the harder it became so I took control of my poor management and stopped waiting to do it. I took the anxiety out of the message and told my alcoholic addict wife what I would not any longer do it in a matter of fact manner. "Honey I no longer feel like buying the alcohol for the house." and then I let it go. There was as much honesty in my message that we didn't argue about it. Of course that didn't include going out to night clubs and/or bars; I would progress to that later on. It got best for me when I left the relationship and stopped drinking in all manners myself.

It takes planning and attending meetings and networking with other successful program people where I could duplicate their recovery behaviors and taking on a sponsor, literature, prayer and meditation and all of the other tools I was taught.

I didn't get this over night and often I had to practice, practice, practice and duplicate the winner stuff. When I got out of her way...she got clean and sober. (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by JerryF on Thursday 25th of April 2019 09:14:55 PM

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Elabella, welcome back. I wish YOU all the best, for YOUR health, and happiness. I am going to take a different approach here -- because apparently, I've read your posts differently than others. That's a good thing however -- different views, perspectives, and different experiences. I've been in alanon for 25 years. Today, alanon is a curriculum for living for me. It's how I live my life. That doesn't mean I am a fanatical steps person, or joined a cult, drink Kool-Aid, or anything of the like. LOL. It just means that alanon, the steps and what they offer, speak to, etc., offers me a lot -- a great deal -- for life. If you read the steps, very closely, attentively, without trying to understand what each step means and without trying to "figure it out" -- you will see a few very important things.

First, you will see that other than the 7th word of the first step -- alcohol, alcoholic, and alcoholism -- are NOT mentioned anywhere in the steps. Not at all. That is simply a fact. You see, the steps, alanon, as a program...are ABOUT US. They are about -- how we get better, how we continue and maintain it once we do get better, and then about how we can live, being happy and healthy. Second, you will also not see words in the steps like he, she, they, and them. Why? Because the steps aren't about the other person. The steps aren't about the alcoholic, your brother, my sister, your mom, my dad, and so on. The steps are about US. Alanon is about and for US. You won't hear a lot about that here in my opinion, and it won't be a focus here, because this is not a conference-approved, official alanon forum. If you go to alanon face to face meetings -- a conference approved, official meeting -- you will hear that alanon keeps the focus on alanon. While the steps are the same as AA except for one word -- alanon has a different perspective and is a different program than AA, our recovery is just that -- ours -- and it is different than in AA. Point being -- alanon is FOR YOU.

I point these things out because I think one massively important, the most important thing here has not been addressed...YOU!!! You had a heart-attack!!! Maybe you would have had one if all of this was not going on. But maybe not. Does stress add to a heart-attack? Does anxiety? Does a lack of self-care? Does neglect of one's health and well-being? If you don't think your circumstances, all of this had something, even the slightest thing to do with your heart-attack...well, so be it. I know a guy who went to our Sunday night meeting, didn't feel good, went home after the meeting, laid down on the couch...and never woke up. He left two teenagers with his alcoholic wife. The months and months, the years of what had gone on in and around his life caused major stress, major anxiety, and yes, major stress on his heart!

Remember, alcoholism -- and our disease -- are both progressive diseases. That means, untreated -- they get worse! Of course your life got crazy and intense! That's normal. That is what happens! He went to outpatient detox for one day!!! And then, like you said, like what happens...and you said "like always". You are in an abusive situation. He didn't get better -- and apparently doesn't want to -- so alcoholism, and everything that comes from it gets worse! So does the impact and the effects all of those things have on our lives! Elabella, YOU had a massive heart attack!!! YOU not him! It required emergency surgery -- angioplasty and stents and who knows what else!!! That happened to YOU!!! NOT HIM!!! You said you were looking to God, looking for a sign, looking for God to give you an answer and for God to step in!?!?!? He did...ALANON. But now he won't do it for you. God won't do the work. God won't make you change. God won't work the program. It is up to YOU.

Remember -- the program says "It works if YOU work it, so work it...YOU are worth it". Read the steps...we ask for knowledge of HIS will...and we ask for the power to carry that out. We don't ask for him to do it for us.

Elabella, I'll say it plain and simple, cut and dry, if no one else will...please, please, please TAKE CARE OF YOU. Go get a sponsor. Start doing the work. Follow up with your doctors and focus on you, your health and your well-being...And take care of YOU. All the best.

-- Edited by Bo on Monday 29th of April 2019 11:53:49 AM

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Elabella - my personal experience with 'helping' get alcohol/drugs is that I felt bad for enabling and contributing to the disease. What I know (personally) about alcoholics - we will not go without that which we need. No matter how many hours I was working - FT + PT, I managed to get to the liquor store. My state doesn't allow alcohol sales on Sunday - I made sure I had enough before Sunday arrived.

There is no shame in saying what you mean, meaning what you say and not saying it mean. I go with the simple approach anytime I must state a boundary, and just used I statements. I simply said, "I am really worried about your health and level of alcohol consumption and will no longer contribute." My sponsor helped me greatly state things in a kind way that were finite - no need for J-A-D-E (Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining.)

I believe setting healthy boundaries is an act of love. I make sure I am not punitive and check my motives. In my experience, setting boundaries upset the 'apple cart' and there was resistance! There were many days I almost caved, but a quick call to my sponsor confirmed for me that consistency helps me change, and if my boundary was important to me, I needed to stick with it.

Practicing this program, I've been able to take care of me, stay married and even improve many aspects of my marriage. Allowing others to be who they are, and focusing on me, my needs and health have been game changing. It's a process and one worth the effort. Trusting God has helped me allow life to unfold as it's supposed to instead of trying to force solutions as I used to.

Be gentle with you, and just do life one day at a time. Any meeting or effort is better than no effort at all. Any contact with others in recovery is better than no contact at all. Bo is correct that MIP is not 'official Al-Anon' - its posted at the top of every page. But that doesn't stop the magic from happening or the miracles from coming. Keep coming back and just do what you can, one day at a time, one step at a time...

I do not have heart issues, but my AH does. He has made changes in his life-style which has allowed him to live longer and healthier. The biggest changes he made were exercise and smoking. I was probably his biggest stressor as I really wanting him to be who I thought he would be!!! As I've come to accept him for who he is and how he is, our stress has lowered immensely. This doesn't mean we don't annoy each other - we do - but we've found a way to let go and let God for our sanity and health.

Just keep coming back and do you one day at a time!

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Elabella wrote:
Thanks for all the encouragement. I know that now I am ready to work this program. I have nothing else left. I have to let go and let God takeover. Scary for this girl who is a control freak. I grew up in an alcoholic abusive household. Too many emotional scars to even write about, but Im sure many of you are familiar with the dysfunction. When I started to date my AH, 30 years ago (!), I consciously chose him because he was everything my father was not. I swore to myself I would never marry an abusive , womanizing alcoholic. He was not any of those things for years! Then when we had our daughter things started to change and have gone downhill since then. Yes- weve had lots of happy times but the alcohol took over his and our lives and hasnt let go. Im so ready to do this. Im excited about it! Im committed to working on myself. I know that Im a huge part of the picture. Just need to figure out where Ive gone wrong. Now I have a question- being as it is that Im a stay at home mom I have this constant dilemma. When my AH works- he works very very long hours. 14-16 hours a day. Often he runs out of beer, and cant get to the store because he has to be at work. He will in those instances beg me to do him the favour and go to the beer store for him. I feel guilty saying no because Im home- I have plenty of time to do it. He cant. And I know if he doesnt get the beer he will be violently ill and cannot function. Like he will die. He drinks everyday from the moment he opens his eyes to the moment he hits the sack. His drinking doesnt make him drunk- it basically sustains his functioning. I feel awful because hes the breadwinner. Am I being unreasonable saying no I wont buy it? Its essentially like his medicine. Im not sure what is right or wrong. Any of you with similar experience willing to share what you did? Im torn.

elabella, first, try and take the focus off him. Start to focus on YOU. That said, stop looking for "where you've gone wrong" -- you didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Regarding the buying alcohol, getting it, etc. -- many of us have been through the exact same thing. But no one is there with you, living your life, day to day, etc. Sure, anyone can share their experience with you, but that doesn't mean you should do what they did. There is so much going on here and you are immersed in it. You are torn. Of course you are torn. This is part of the disease of alcoholism. Why do you feel guilty? Not just because you have the time and you can do it. You are negotiating with yourself. You are making a case why you should, but inside you know and feel you shouldn't. It's like his medicine? He's the breadwinner? Your sponsor will talk to you about enabling, your role, your contribution. This is pretty heavy stuff for a beginner. Go get a sponsor and start working the program? Start at the beginning. This in the moment situation is a perfect example of what to talk to your sponsor about.

Start at the beginning. Step One. Go find a sponsor, go to meetings, and start doing the work. All the best.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Elabella wrote:
Thanks for all the encouragement. I know that now I am ready to work this program. I have nothing else left. I have to let go and let God takeover. Scary for this girl who is a control freak. I grew up in an alcoholic abusive household. Too many emotional scars to even write about, but Im sure many of you are familiar with the dysfunction. When I started to date my AH, 30 years ago (!), I consciously chose him because he was everything my father was not. I swore to myself I would never marry an abusive , womanizing alcoholic. He was not any of those things for years! Then when we had our daughter things started to change and have gone downhill since then. Yes- weve had lots of happy times but the alcohol took over his and our lives and hasnt let go. Im so ready to do this. Im excited about it! Im committed to working on myself. I know that Im a huge part of the picture. Just need to figure out where Ive gone wrong. Now I have a question- being as it is that Im a stay at home mom I have this constant dilemma. When my AH works- he works very very long hours. 14-16 hours a day. Often he runs out of beer, and cant get to the store because he has to be at work. He will in those instances beg me to do him the favour and go to the beer store for him. I feel guilty saying no because Im home- I have plenty of time to do it. He cant. And I know if he doesnt get the beer he will be violently ill and cannot function. Like he will die. He drinks everyday from the moment he opens his eyes to the moment he hits the sack. His drinking doesnt make him drunk- it basically sustains his functioning. I feel awful because hes the breadwinner. Am I being unreasonable saying no I wont buy it? Its essentially like his medicine. Im not sure what is right or wrong. Any of you with similar experience willing to share what you did? Im torn.

By the way, there are no must's in alanon. Whatever you work on with your sponsor, you'll do what you feel is best, ideal, whatever you want to call it. It is not a right and wrong thing. Go get started! LOL. You are ready -- congratulations!

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

There is a wonderful pamphlet on Detachment. It's one of the few "instruction manuals" I find in our program. Even at that, it's read more as suggestion than anything else.

Two lines in that pamphlet stand out to me:

In Al-Anon we learn:

- Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of anothers recovery
- Not to do for others what they can do for themselves

It's a great pamphlet and I hung on to it tightly and read it frequently when I was living with an active alcoholic. You can find the pamphlet here: al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf

As others have said, this is your life, so you make what decisions you know you can feel comfortable with around the alcoholic. But what's most important is that you bring your focus back to you and taking good care of yourself.

For me, detachment was one of those tools I learned to use. Just a little bit at a time. I had to take baby steps with it where it came to setting boundaries for myself.

I hope you can find some face-to-face meetings. Glad you're here. Keep coming back - it works - so work it because you ARE worth it.

Elabella · Senior Member

Thank you everyone! Bo I've always appreciated your input. You are very straight to the point and force me to look at my situation objectively. Thank you. Today was my 5th face to face meeting. I'm really starting to love this program, even though I know I have such a long way to go. I'm completely humbled by all the different people I've met, who are all currently or have been through the same experiences. It gives me great comfort and I feel totally safe when I'm there, does that make sense? Today I was left wondering- how do you go about asking someone to be your sponsor? How did all of you go about it? Do you just walk up to a person in the meeting and ask? Should it be someone who's been in program for a long time?

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Elebella - so glad that you've found your courage and are attending meetings! I especially love to hear that you are finding others that you relate to and who accept and understand you - that is very similar to my experience. I also felt very safe in the rooms, and left each meeting feeling tons better than where I arrived.

As far as sponsors goes, it was suggested to me to find and ask another (woman - same sex person) had what I wanted. One thing I noticed at my first meeting is that there were folks in attendance who also had chaos and drama from this disease in their lives, yet appeared to be grounded, calm, peaceful and serene! They appeared to be very calm in the midst of storms, and that's what I wanted. I wanted to be able to be @ peace on this earth no matter what was going on around me. Truly, this was opposite of who I was and how I was!

I also knew that I needed a gentle soul as I was my own worst critic and didn't need someone to control, manage or order me around. There are many in the rooms who struggle with controlling others and struggle with letting go in recovery. I needed someone who walked the walk more than talked the talk.

Lastly, I was told that I could ask for a temporary sponsor to just get started. I also heard that if the relationship wasn't working that I could get a different sponsor. Nobody but me is responsible for my wellness in recovery and I do believe that when I put my trust in the God of my understanding, answers always come! Keep doing what you're doing! We all have a long ways to go, and we all do it one day at a time! (((Hugs)))

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for the kind words Elabella. I certainly hope I don't "force" anything, but I am straight to the point. I share, unpretentious, meat and potatoes, because it's not just who I am, but also because it's how I get better, how I maintain, how I stay on a healthy track, etc. I am glad you are able to achieve some objectivity. Me, I wasn't able to because I was "in it" -- and in my experience, when you are "in it" you can't see that you are in it and your thinking is simply not 100%. I think that's where a lot of people miss the boat so to speak.

As far as a sponsor -- personally, I don't think anyone who doesn't know you should give advice. Not an armchair answer'er. LOL. Get the pamphlet on sponsorship. See what alanon -- conference approved, official alanon literature -- has to say about sponsorship. Remember, advice on the internet it just that...advice on the internet. LOL. You are a newcomer. All of this is new. You have the benefit of f2f meetings -- take advantage of that!!! I asked people at the f2f meetings I went to how to go about finding a sponsor. Those people are there! They go to meetings, they share, with you, they hear you, see you, get what you are going through. They are far more "qualified" to help you in that arena. Those people are going to get you better than anyone else. They are not just some distant, foreign, unknown words on a bulletin board. Look to alanon. Look to the actual program. Again, there is a pamphlet on sponsorship. Find it online.

A temporary sponsor might be a good interim step. Put forth effort. Don't just pick. It will have direct impact on your recovery.

Keep going to meetings!!! All the best.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene