Good morning. Thank you Mary for todays message.  When growing up I remember thinking that my mother was the only person in our family allowed to have an opinion.  Even my dad was shot down for opening his mouth. It took many years to accept that I could have and state an opinion.  As long as each party is respectful and listens with an open mind as Betty stated, everyone should have the right to speak what they think or choose not to.....but not because they are shamed for doing so.  

Ellen

Happy Sunday MIP! I thank you Mary for your service and also for the daily. Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. I wasn't allowed a voice, much less an opinion growing up. Simply by being the youngest child and only girl - I was the drag-along/tag-along child and fell into that role quite well.

I did not realize how silenced I had been until teen-age years, and the lessons learned from raising 3 boys became my 'burden to wear'. The more I tried to assert myself as a teen, the more control my parents tried to impose and we had a will-power tug of war. Right, wrong or indifferent, I believe I was born with the disease of alcoholism and my response was to fight everything and everyone and so began my way-ward path.

For years, I was determined to be heard, to be right, etc. and really did not want to hear what anyone had to say. I truly believed in right/wrong and if I was right, you were wrong and not worth listening to. This habit/pattern was seen by others long before I became aware. Needless to say, I became (unintentionally) a version of adult similar to my parents, and my own boys rebelled. When we talk about the disease as a family disease, it rolls in mine from generation to generation - either directly or indirectly.

Enter Al-Anon, and from the moment I heard the three C(s), I felt a fundamental change begin. My sponsor advised me to practice listening and to keep an open mind. She suggested over and over that I use my past to learn from and not dwell. As we worked the steps, I could see patterns in my life where I had extremely distorted ways/thinking and the awareness was freeing. I find it very difficult to make change without seeing the need, so seeing the patterns in black/white helped me see changes I could make to have way more peace of mind and joy of heart.

Today, I seek to understand in each situation I encounter. I've set aside (by the grace of the God of my understanding) the need for immediate results/answers, and can instead trust that what is is what is supposed to be. We had a deep discussion of trusting God at my family Easter gathering, and I sat quietly listening. Two of our elders who have deeply routed religious beliefs were discussing continued prayers yet tons of worry. I stayed perfectly quiet as the alcohol was flowing and I honestly could not relate!

I drove home and was thinking about this and I believe I could not relate as I no longer project or allow fear to drive my thoughts, emotions and actions. I try to stay present, one day at a time and when I find myself slipping to the past or projecting to the future, I can use the tools we've been taught in recovery to regather for the here/now. I am so, so grateful for what we are gifted when we choose recovery...

I hope everyone had a great day! Mine did not start well but unfolded quite nicely! Again, because of our tools, I had some bad moments in an otherwise lovely day! I owe some amends and have some cleaning up for my side of the street and that's OK. When I am ready, it will happen. (((Hugs))) to all...