Riley - living with this disease is extremely difficult and you are not alone! I can so relate to all that you write, and truly felt defeated by the A and the disease. I beat my head against the wall for a long while, trying any/everything I could think of or heard about to 'fix' my marriage, A, life, home, etc. Nothing worked and the anxiety was super-sized.

I finally found the courage to attend Al-Anon. While nothing changed outside of me, things changed within me once I accepted I was truly powerless over the disease, other people, their actions, words, etc. When I began to practice what was suggested, I found small moments of peace. As I continued practicing what was suggested in recovery, things got better and I found my way.

Until I found Al-Anon, I felt really alone and overwhelmed. In Al-Anon, I found others who truly understood how difficult it is to love an A and live with an A. Not only did they understand, they helped me greatly find my way to peace, healing and a path that works for me one day at a time. Please keep coming back - you are not alone!

Riley3 wrote:

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I try to live my life but the A seems to find me. I have to leave the room. We dont talk or I do not want any conversations. I am left to figure out most of the decisions because I cant have a normal conversations. How can I pretend my life isnt falling apart when it is? There is no marriage. I am tired of being without someone. I am not going to leave him until the kids are in high school. How do you handle my dreams are gone? My future is I dont know? I think I have so much anxiety on what is going to happen next? So far, nothing has happened except the relationship is zero. What do you do to keep your mind focused and think positive thoughts? I think I am so afraid of losing everything? I think all my anger that I am surpressing is making me depressed. I know not to expect anything to be normal but geez this anxiety of being around an A is killing me. I cant sleep.

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Riley, welcome...it is very common to feel and go through what you are presently experiencing, very, very common. It is perhaps one of the most common byproducts of the disease of alcoholism and/or addiction. No different than alcoholism is a progressive disease, so is the illness and all of the problems we have. I am sorry to say, without "treatment" our lives get worse. That said, some people use alanon and feel that alanon is a program that helps them tolerate the intolerable. It helps them accept the unacceptable. It helps them bear the unbearable. And so on. If that's what a person chooses to use alanon for -- then so be it. To each their own. Hence, we have a phrase in alanon...take what you like, and leave the rest. Don't let the tail wag the dog. Don't be and live in denial. Don't let alanon be a crutch for the perpetuation of denial. One thing I always did was ask myself -- is nothing changed, nothing, is this where and how I want to be, is this the life I want, one year from now? Three? Five? And that takes a very open and honest, and objective look, not just at the situation and circumstances, but at me as well. Some people use alanon to make life just OK, bearable, tolerable, acceptable, etc. Like I said, to each their own. I look at alanon very differently.

In my experience, I have learned that alanon is a program -- in two parts -- one, where we can get better. We can get healthy. And, two, as a result of those two things...we can find ourselves in a place, a new place, one where we can then have the kind of life we want, and live the life we want to live. We can be happy, healthy, and truly create and live a life we love. Sounds euphoric -- but it is not. However, there's a lot that is required FROM US in those two components. What is required of us is -- we must do the work. I'll repeat that...we must do the work. It means we have to work the alanon program. The work, for each person, may be different. But there are some common elements. One is CHANGE. We learn we can't change anyone else, their actions, reactions, behavior, or anything else. So, we learn that we can only change ourselves. CHANGE. We change, our behavior, our thinking, our mindset, our actions and reactions, and more. CHANGE. Doing what you are doing and thinking, how you have behaved, acted and reacted has gotten you where you are right now. Will doing the same thing make things different? Will doing the same thing produce different outcomes? Different results? Will you get better, get healthy, get happy, etc., by continuing to do the very same things you've been doing? Intellectually this sounds simple. However, it is not. There is an entire mindset, philosophy, methodology, thought process, etc., in and around this. Now, some people will oversimplify it and think they can boil it down to some words on a bulletin board. I respectfully disagree. I feel you can get some ideas, some guidance, and the like, on a bulletin board like this -- but recovery, real recovery -- takes place by doing the work! Working the program! You can't do the work, work the program -- you can't live -- on a bulletin board.

Alanon is a program where you "do" a lot of things -- and that's what you learn by working the program.

So, what does all this mean? How does one do the work, work the program, find recovery, and so on.

Here it is...one...go to meetings. Face to face meetings. Go to as many as you can, as often as you can. There is a phrase, 90 in 90, meaning 90 meetings in 90 days. I have never met a person who did 90 in 90, worked the program...and did NOT GET BETTER! I did 90 in 90. I did 180 in 90! I did it because I could no longer take the pain of where I was and what I was doing. I had to change. I was afraid that if I didn't, I was going to die. Getting better -- whatever that meant -- was the most important thing in the world to me. I was going to crawl, scratch, claw, beg, do whatever it took, to get better. So, go to meetings. Two, get the daily readers -- Courage To Change and One Day At A Time -- and start to read them, every single day, once in the morning, and once at night. I woke up every single morning -- and I still do -- and the first thing I do, is read each of those books. I read the reading of the day, and even if I remember it, I keep reading it, slowly, diligently, intensely. I carry those two books with me, wherever I go, wherever I am. I have one set in my office, one set at home, and one set in my business/computer bag which goes everywhere with me. Third, find a sponsor. This is a component most people overlook. They think they get it -- what a sponsor offers, does, the role they play, etc. -- but they really don't. If they did -- they would have one! Find a sponsor and start to work with your sponsor. Meet with him/her, talk to him/her, often, ask questions, get guidance, share your feelings, fears, joys, wants, desires, share everything. There were times I talked to my sponsor 10 times from sun up until sundown. I met with my sponsor every week -- sometimes for hours. My sponsor...saved my life. Not figuratively...Literally. Do this work...with your sponsor. This work, with your sponsor -- is working the program. You see, it's not just about going to meetings and doing readings -- working the program, the work, the real work, takes place outside of meetings, outside of readings...that's where living is...that's where recovery is.

Everyone will give you different opinions, suggestions, advice, guidance, answers, etc., about what to do, recovery, alanon, and so on. The above is what worked for me. It is also what the alanon program tells us. Nowhere in the program, or any of the material (conference approved literature), does it say don't get a sponsor. Nowhere does it say don't go to meetings. Nowhere does it say don't do readings. Read the steps. Nowhere are the words them, she, he, they. The words are I, we, and us. This is a program of FELLOWSHIP...not isolation, being and doing alone, etc.

If there are face to face meetings near you, go to them! More than one. If you don't like one of them, go again! Try it six times before you decide that meeting isn't for you. I know a guy who drives 45 minutes twice a week to go to meetings. He is healthy. He is happy. Go to the alanon world services website, find your local information services office, and go to their website. Look for official, conference approved, legitimate alanon meetings in your area. If there aren't any -- go back to the world services website, and also your local website, and find phone-in meetings! That is the next best thing. There are plenty of telephone meetings. If that's the way you have to find a sponsor, so be it. Do it. Find a sponsor you can talk to, on the phone, who is accessible, who can help you.

Recovery, getting better, getting healthy, living a life you truly love...is not a destination...it is a journey. 

Every journey...begins with a first step. I wish you all the best, for health and happiness.

As they say in every face to face alanon meeting, everywhere in the world...Keep coming back (to face to face alanon meetings and the program).

-- Edited by Bo on Tuesday 16th of April 2019 06:42:31 AM