The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to speak to my husband today. He was not there, so my MIL asked if she could talk with me. I said ok.
She was pleasant and seemed genuinely concerned about my health. She said I looked tired and then said that a person cannot just keep going without eventually dropping. I told her that I found that out the hard way.
She said he has been complaining to her that I wouldn't speak to him. I asked her what good it would do. She agreed with me that he does not think he has done anything wrong. She said she has spoken to him a few times about getting a job and he just snaps at her and says he does not want to talk about it.
She also asked me if him going back into Out patient would make a difference and I told her that at this point no. He has been in it too many times and plays the system while continuing to drink. I said if he chooses to go it is his business, but will mean nothing to me. She then told me he wasn't drinking as much and I told her that "too much" doesn't mean anything to me either.
She then said she thinks the kids should have more responsibilities and if their sports teams where too much that they couldn't help, they should give them up. She also thinks they should chip inot the house with their pay, releaving me of so much responsibility. I asked her why teenagers should be responsible for the family, but a grown man shouldn't. She said she does agree with me, but can do nothing about it.
I told her it was time we all stop making life so easy for him. I told her that at this point in her life she should be worrying only about herself and not his nonsence and she said that isn't possible. I invited her for the 100th time to an Alanon meeting and told her that they would help her to understand. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable doing that, but thanked me.
I left, but am not angry with her. She doesn't know any other way, and at this time is unwilling to seek other options. I told her I would try and get in touch with him another time.
It wasn't a productive visit, but it didn't hurt anything.
Good for you Jeannie. You sure answered perfect too.
I also believe what ever you decide for the kids is right. They have been thru so much. If they like sports or whatever, encourage it. They need that focus, and that feeling of something is ok somewhere. To have more responsibility could do them damage. They need time to play.
I too have teenagers and my husband also an alcoholic insists that they pay their own way. I get so angry.. My son is 17 and works my husband thinks he should pay for everything. My 15 year old daughter is next I can see it coming. The funny thing is although my husband works he calls in sick when he has a hangover he really doesnt hurt himself helping me around the house and he thinks that the kids are wasting their time in sports. ( ugh !!! I just want to SCREAM ) Your post sounds so similar to mine. My husbands Mother died an alcoholic less than 2 years ago and my husbands father is an active in his drinking. The one time that i mentioned my husband having an addiction to alcohol he turned the whole thing around and I was the bad guy..Now, i just smile and know that I am better off than they will EVER be..
They just dont get it do they ???? Oh well, their loss. !!
My oldest son is 19, he is in college full time. He works 3 jobs in the summer, and delivers Pizzas in the fall till January. he is on the College tennis team and I think it is too much for him to work during season, as they practice 7 days a week and travel out of state as well. He was in Maryland at a tournament all this weekend. He holds a 3.5 average in school. He lives off the money he saved from the off season.
My older daughter is 17, and a cheerleader, she works at a local pharmacy and also maintains a B average. Joey is 18, and a B student works and is on the HighSchool tennis team. Katie, plays tennis in the fall, is a cheerleader in the winter and plays softball in the spring all for the HighSchool, she is 15 and babysits, she is an A student. They all have cell phones on the family palan and pay $40 a month to their cell phones. The older kids pay their own gas for theri cars, but I pay half their car insurance while they are in school. They also pay for their own dates and movies etc.
All of them are willing to help me when I am really short, they have picked things up at the store etc. and they have even loaned me money occasionally. While they are in school I don't want to charge them board. Their job is to do well in school and they are all doing so.
My husband does not work at all, when he did, he too called out all the time and never did anything here but make a mess.
The kids do help take care of the little ones. They help clean, they help with laundry and taking out the garbage and so on. They keep their own rooms clean and will help driving the little ones around.
No matter what they do it isn't enough. Just goes to show how delusional an A can be according to him, he does everything around here and no one else lifts a finger. If you ask him exactly what he does, he will just repeat everything.
He can also do every job better than the person doing it. He would be a great garbage man, mail man, policeman, any type of repair person who comes in here, he could do it better. He just never gets off his butt and actualy gets a job. Every job is beneath him, or doesn't pay enough.
I drive a school bus and have for several years, according to him, I am over paid, my job is cake and I don't know what real work is. The only reason I have been there for so long is my boss is so easy going. He will never admitt that I go to work every day, hardly ever call out and have earned my bosses respect because I am dependable. He also won't admitt that I earn my raises because of taking on more hours, more responsibility and just merit. Instead he critisizes.
Instead of being proud of the kids, he says he could play their sports better than them. He constantly challenges them and when they ask him to play them, he backs out telling them he doesn't want to embarrass them. The kids are not dumb, they know who would be embarrassed.
It is easy to critisize everything and everyone, when you never put yourself out there.
Both your posts really hit me hard! Your spouses sound just like my father-in-law! He has been dead for many years now but my mother-in-law was a perfect enabler. The kids of the family are so dysfunctional and I got all involved in the chaos and craziness for the first 18 years of my marriage living close to them and spending alot of time at their house. I guess I thought I was the crazy one and never connected the alcoholism part. My husband did go to Adult Children of Alcoholics years ago and it put alot of light on the dysfunction of his family. He changed alot with how he raised our kids after his one year group therapy.
I admire you both for attempting to or actually breaking the cycle! Your kids and you have the choice for a healthy, functional life because of your alanon program work. You are setting a good example for them and not staying in the enabler role like my mother in law did. She does admit to this role now but is not knowledgable of the program or the dyamics of the role. She says she wished she had alateen when she was young. She was brought up as an only child with both her mom and dad being alcoholics. After our daughter developed this disease, my mother in law shared things with me about her life even her own family didn't know.
I just wanted to share this with you so maybe you can see that YOU are indeed changing the cycle. Give yourself alot of credit for this please. Her kids suffered and remain ignorant and in denial that their dad was an alcoholic. My spouse admits it but does not always choose to change his "dry drunk" behavior. We only change and grow when we work our own program. You may be making changes in the generations to come and not know it. I think you are both wonderful mothers and great strong women! your friend in recovery, cdb xoxoxoxox
