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I have been feeling an internal agitation and wasn't sure where it was coming from. Probably for the past few weeks. Everything is great in my life: new friends, lots of hiking, I'm working out more, work is going really great despite the craziness of tax season, and things with my bf are great too. We both survived visits from our parents which seemed to take up more than half the month of March. And, we both survived meeting each other's parents, too, lol!
Anyway, I realized that my agitation is coming from old codependent patterns of thinking. I have been with my new bf for almost 8 months now and things are great. So great that I'm falling in love with him. And, so now the codependent crap shall begin. Welcome to my crazy. I was fine in the beginning: confident, self assured; I knew that I could easily move on and find someone else if I had to, etc. But, now, I realize that I wouldn't want anybody else. He's brought so much good to my life and made it better than it already was and now I can't imagine my life without him. And, that scares the crap out of me!!!!
I start obsessing about every little comment he makes. I start managing myself and my words or analyzing what i say and his response to it. WTF....where did this all come from? I have had no reason to doubt us, to question my choice in choosing him, etc. But, my dang brain starts to create problems where there aren't any. Future tripping and sabotaging things in my own head.
I go from one direction to another. One minute I think, "there's no way this can last. It's been too good to be true and it's only been 8 months. there's plenty more to be revealed so don't put all your eggs in this basket. Don't get emotionally attached, etc." Then, the next minute I think, "Why can't this last? Neither of us wants to get married. We have a relationship that works great for both of us. We are a great team and I truly feel like I've met my match: the one who challenges me, inspires me, has patience with me, and who meets my romantic relationship needs......etc."
So infuriating that I can't just seem to shut my brain off and just enjoy it as it is. So, for today, I'm going to remind myself to be grateful for what I have, to quit worrying about or romanticizing the future, and to just take my life one day at a time." Please remind me, folks! My brain needs a shut off valve, lol!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Hey girl - good to 'see' you! What I hear is the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance & Action. When my mind starts getting wrapped up in anything beyond myself and my life/program, I really need to pause and consider what I am doing to grow in my recovery. Those of us affected by this disease tend to shift our attention and focus towards the latest 'thing/hobby/project' and often go off-balance. I believe most humans, when starting a new relationship are excited, intrigued, infatuated, etc. As things progress, a new normal happens naturally. My experience is I have to be really mindful that no matter how much I care about or enjoy this new relationship, I really need to be sure I am still putting myself and my HP as top priorities.
Anytime I am off-balance with my emotions, thoughts, etc., my only solution is to check my motives and my actions to see if they are where they need to be. You got this - the answers exist within you!!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I like IAH's response and will include it in my thinking after I post.
F E A R . One of the acronyms I have learned and continue to use with this word is FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL. I don't often get fearful and when I do I will stop and inventory it and what is going on behind it driving it. As I said I don't often get to feel it so when I do I just gotta find out what the heck and most of the time it falls within the acronym. When it does fall in the acronym look at how it falls within our principles of recovery such as trust, honesty, greed, etc etc. I also am codependent and a fixer so does my inventory involve someone else.
My former sponsor and I discussed at length that if what I was feeling was causing me trouble then I might practice feeling the opposite which My Higher Power and I ended up practicing feeling love. What I love I will not fear and what I fear I won't love. An Al-Anon lady one night gave me her personal definition of love after describing how she practiced it with her alcoholic. I had to hear it because she spoke so strongly about it and when I took her to the side and asked her definition she told me, "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are". My fear fences disolved and I love using that definition all the time. "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems", is also a great fear fence.
Keep using your Higher Power and program Andromeda and you won't go wrong. (((((Hugs)))))
For me, when I start to hope something might be as good as I want it to be, it causes all kinds of crazy reactions. Like a carryover from all the times I put too much hope in something and then had my hopes crushes. It's so hard to stay in that place of "More will be revealed." Like, I want to KNOW whether I'm going to be disappointed or not. The suspense is stressful! I guess that's what people mean about living the moment. My therapist always used to get so enthusiastic about those times: "Here's a chance to practice your healthy behavior!" she'd say with excitement. Life gives us so many chances to practice our healthy behavior, doesn't it? I wish I could stop practicing and just start being excellent at it, lol. But it sounds as if you're getting mighty close!
{{{Andromeda}}} Just delve into program and HP as much as you possibly can. Sounds like you have a handle on many parts of your life. We all have our weaknesses and cant be perfect. I used to go through the same thing you described. Its very uncomfortable and unnerving. Believe in yourself as you have learned how to do, Lyne
((((Andromeda))))
Wonderful to see you on the boards again! It warms my heart that there are so many good things in your life right now... you certainly have worked hard to attain them!!
I connect with you, b/c many things you share are in common with me... so this post is no different. I read in anticipation to all the good ESH you received - and you received some really good stuff!!
I too, have a really hard time "Living in the Now." That is why I stay with this program even though I am no longer married to my qualifier. It truly helps me to stay humble, stay focused on just this one day I am living, and to understand and PRACTICE staying within my own hula hoop.
These are my thoughts - take what you like and leave the rest - 1. You have all the tools within you... & you know that. 2. You've worked so hard on YOUR program and are rightfully proud of that... so why can't this one problem be easy? Because there is still work to do on you - ongoing work. 3. It is hard to accept you don't have control over the outcome of this relationship when you been working hard on yourself, working hard on being a great partner (I am thinking this is true), and otherwise nurturing this relationship. But you, KNOW. You know that even with this, you are powerless - and that brings FEAR. You know & understand that too - it's even in the title of your post!
Iamhere says this a lot: "Fears are not facts." When I know and recognize the FEAR overtaking my thinking, I pause and remember those words.
I see your post as you have great self-awareness! I also see it as you taking "The Pause." So now you will read all the good ESH here, and you will confidently move forward... living One Day At A Time! ; )
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I agree with others that it's great to read about your happiness in all areas of your life these days. I think we can get so use to turmoil that we can be on high alert waiting for the other shoe to drop when we first level out into a balanced and reasonably content life. This is where your higher power wants you now. It's that simple. We say in Alanon that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or lifetime. The rest of that is that it's up to us to decide which. I really believe it's up to our higher power. I believe Hp is always preparing us for what's next. We talk about hp's will for us and it being better than we could ever imagine but when things are good I can fear letting go and fully enjoying with all my being. But what better way to express gratitude to my hp for such gifts of happiness that are so downright humbling than to completely immerse myself in the present for all it's worth which is everything, really. If hp has brought us to it, hp will see us through it. Whatever and whoever is on our path, hp is a few steps ahead guiding. You deserve good things and I'm glad they're happening for you. Keep the faith. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hello Andromeda, good to see you and thank you so much for bringing this subject up and for all the ESH you have initiated - such good reminders here.
I'm very conscious that when all is going well and peacefully I tend to be at my most anxious!!! Put me in a crisis and I can be as solid as a rock but give me twenty minutes peace and I'm tensing up, thinking rubbish and anticipating what could go wrong next. And it is all on me - I'm doing this to myself, no romance involved, just me!! lol!
So the process I'm trying to go through is (a) is there anything that does need my attention or is all well with my world right now? If all is well, it is ok to relax and do the next right thing which, hopefully, is to listen to the wildlife and have a cup of tea . (b) I remind myself that I have spent years, decades in fact, trouble shooting and reacting to drama so it isn't surprising that it is taking me a while to break such a long lasting habit. So perhaps I just need to cut myself a bit of slack, breath, feel the sun on my skin and learn today's lesson in how to value feeling good. (c) I talk directly to my primitive scared old brain, the amygdala, it is the part of my brain that deals with emotions and instinct and I say 'its ok, I know you are scared but we are safe right now and it is ok to put down your shield for a while. Whatever comes up I think we can cope' or words to that effect. I find this soothing (even if it looks mighty strange written down!).
I am exploring what it means to be me - sometimes blindly and sometimes with the help of others who show me that I'm ok as I am. I hope to be working on this for many more years to come. ((((((Hugs)))))))
Having been affected by devastating alcoholic relationships, my brain is conditioned for disappointment, meaning the problem is indeed in ME.
After the honeymoon phase began wearing off with my current boyfriend, I would talk to my good al-anon friend often and we would typically engage in long talk about my occasional, ongoing fears... the fear of finding myself in yet another failed relationship... my brain dutifully marching along... re-MIND-ing me of the past.. and fearing imperfections I began noticing in him, hyper-vigilant about not seeing those "red flags" I must've missed in past relationships...
I will never forget the day she said,
"You're no picnic either honey."
Abrupt. Halt. I was stunned.
But the truth of it just made me laugh out loud! I laughed sooooo hard!!! She added, "Nobody is perfect, no relationship is perfect, you will never find perfection in this world, not ever," she said.
Her amazing courage to tell me this (rather than sitting with me in the fear, enabling it further...) helped me realize how my boyfriend ALSO deals with an imperfect partner - me! I also saw how accepting he is of me, so focused on my good....
I decided I wanted to give HIM that too - give him exactly what I want and really NEED in a relationship.
I cannot emphasize the value of doing a fearless and thorough inventory of past relationships. I know I would never have taken responsibility for my past choices or gained wisdom to know why I chose what I did or how to even stop choosing it. Step four wisdom helps me realize that nobody ever fails me but me.
The partner I have today accepts that I live by the slogan FIRST THINGS FIRST, from day one he's been fully aware of the relationship I hold supreme and he would never disturb or compete with my daily spiritual routine. They told me long ago to "never put the cart ahead of the horse" - works well for me.
At the end of every day, my love walks through the door (eight years later) his face lights up and our eyes still sparkle from the joy of knowing "who" is sitting just behind the love we are feeling.
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 1st of April 2019 11:51:26 AM
Yeppers, your post certainly is revealing, and reminds us all that we are truly MIP's..... We haven't got it all figured out yet, (not to mention that we never will actually have it ALL figured out), but I do believe that your program CAN help you with some of this.
One Day at a Time - you may be obsessing about the future, and/or whether or not you even (gasp) have the right to be serene and happy, and sometimes it is soooo helpful to break it back down to more manageable chunks - you don't have to be married and forever with this guy for the next 40 years - how about for the next 24hrs - doesn't that seem more reasonable (and calming?). I remember reading some relationship advice from John Gray, and he advocates that he & his wife find a way - every single day - to tell/show each other that, given the chance, they would choose each other again today.... I love that sentiment, and I'd encourage you to find what works for you.... remember, you cannot eat an elephant all in one bite.... the proper way to eat an elephant is slowly, one bite at a time :)
Easy Does It - your fears may be making this feel like things are closing in on you, but the reality is that nothing much has changed, OTHER than you have found a loving partner who helps allow you to find and be the awesome Andrea that you are..... Try cutting yourself some slack, and believing that you DO deserve all the great things in life.... peace, harmony, love..... you ARE worthy of all this and more!
Thanks for posting, and sending you hugs of encouragement
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Fear is a biggie for me and it is absolutely the driving force behind any and all negative emotions for me.
In retrospect, most of my fear is centered around either
A: Losing something that I "have"
B: Not getting something that I want
That's it. Even death falls under these two categories (A).
I've learned in the program that once I start to recognize fear creeping up in me, it's time to pull out my tools - get to meetings, read literature, call my sponsor or another program friend. Usually, I also ask myself if I'm having a negative emotion such as fear what is it's opposite?
For me, the opposite of fear is FAITH. And for me, faith nestles right in with having a loving, trusting relationship with my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God. Faith, for me, is knowing that no matter what, I am going to be okay. Period. God's got this.
A good way for me to work through fear is to take myself back through the first three steps - I'm powerless over (what's causing me fear), and my life has become unmanageable (obsessive thinking, stress, worry). I come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity (because my obsessive thinking certainly is not sane). I give my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him (practice faith.)
You're doing amazing work. Remember that this, too, shall pass. As someone else mentioned, you've got great Awareness, Acceptance, and Action going on. As you get more and more familiar with these old thought patterns, and you practice what you've learned in the program, things will get easier and you'll find yourself stepping out of the fear more and more quickly and easily.
Have a great day.
(Oh -and here's another acronym for "FEAR": Forgetting Everything's All Right
The whole fear, on the ledge, writing scripts, whatever you want to call it...it's all part of the "SELF" ingredients...self-worth, self-esteem, self-entitlement, and most of all...self-sabotage.
Unfortunately, like when we first walked into our first alanon meeting, there is no pill or button to push that can simply just make this better.
It comes from the same thing that makes us better in the context of alanon...long, hard, repeated, open, honest, and objective...looking at ourselves. Period.
We do that, and, little by slowly, we get better.
Great awareness andromeda!!! I so admire and respect the work you do on YOU. Keep it up!!!
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Yes, fear is a crazy thing. You know, we take our baggage with us. I felt myself almost saying "I love you" to my bf tonight. He had rested his head on my lap briefly and I ran my hands through his hair and the words were on the tip of my tongue. But, I couldn't do it.
What runs through my head is the first time I said it to my last boyfriend and his response was so weird. He had said, "No. Stop. It's too soon." We had been dating for 9 months at that point and I had been feeling love for him for months. Anyway, I found that hurtful and weird. I also remember with my alcoholic exhusband that I was the first one to say it after 8 months of dating and he, too, couldn't reciprocate and I remember crying that night......most likely because I was immature and expected him to say it back in return. I'm sure my feelings were hurt.
I guess saying I love you has brought more discomfort and pain than joy for me, when in romantic relationships. So, I am sitting here withholding expressing my feelings verbally. And, i feel like my bf and I are doing the same thing. We obviously care deeply for each other but haven't crossed that bridge and I'm not sure when I'll be ready to jump in verbally like that. I want to be vulnerable, I made a concerted effort in my last relationship to do so but it was not a happy or joyful experience for me except to say that i felt good to have expressed my feelings even if they weren't reciprocated.
I know that my bf cares deeply and that I do as well. He's changing his schedule around on Friday to help me get my car to the dealership and he often sacrifices some of his personal time to make sure we have time together, etc. I do the same.
Anyway, I hate that I am holding back, protecting my heart, and letting my past experiences affect my present. Turning to over to my HP and hoping that I can make heads or tales of it all.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I find it interesting that in all three relationships, you have wanted (or did) express your verbal feelings of love at around the same timeline... 8 months.
Right now, you held back... but seem to feel guilt(?) for holding back.
Let your head take a rest, I think. Your heart/soul/inner self, whatever you want to name it, seems to know what you need at this moment.
Perhaps just to change the pattern, stay in that discomfort for a bit...kind of reminds me of "More will be revealed."
Just a thought.
Wishing you continued love & support!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hi Andromeda, I have a thought about the L-word ("love"). I wonder if this resonates with you. I've come to realize that saying "I love you" is nowhere near as meaningful as doing "I love you." In other words, loving actions speak so much more than words.
I see how your bf is acting love by going out of his way to help you and spend time with you. I'm sure you are doing the same for him, right? Could that be enough? Even if no one ever says the word? Just something to think about.
Actions definitely speak louder than words. But like you, I've at times so desperately wanted to say those words and hear them repeated back to me. I did that with the exAH in my life. I didn't hear them back. I had a meltdown over it maybe a month later, and at that point he decided to tell me he did love me. But really, what was my motivation in that? I was seeking validation. Yet again, I was not "enough" until I heard this person I care about tell me he loved me.
I've been on the other side of the coin, too, where I had a guy I was dating for a few months tell me he loved me. I didn't feel the same. BUT, out of guilt, I told him I loved him, too. And that brought a whole new set of insecurities up in me - that I was being dishonest and giving him the wrong message, etc. I suddenly felt obligated to the guy.
Since having both experiences, I now really watch myself when it comes to saying such things. Mostly, I make sure that when I say it, I'm not expecting reciprocation. My love for this person has to be enough that it's okay with me if he doesn't say it back. And if he says it before I'm ready? Well I need to be HONEST with him from the start. Yes, this may lead to hurt feelings. Maybe even the relationship dissolving. But what's important is that I'm staying true to myself, and rolling back into what I talked about previously - having FAITH. Faith means that if I say "I love you" to someone and they don't say it back it's not going to destroy me. Faith means that if someone says "I love you" to me before I'm feeling mutually affectionate, that both the person I'm dating and I are going to be okay.
As it is currently, I'm dating someone whom I told a long time ago I loved him - and this was just when we were friends. I wasn't nervous I'd scare him away or that I'd not hear it back. I was just feeling overwhelming love and appreciation for him and wanted him to know it. It is incredibly freeing to be able to express love and appreciation for someone when I don't have expectations tied to it.
-- Edited by Aloha on Wednesday 3rd of April 2019 03:29:14 PM
aloha, you summed up exactly what I'd like to express and how I feel. I absolutely would have to get to the point where I'd be ok without reciprocation. I mean, really OK, not just saying it out loud but believing that in my soul and with my whole heart. That is what I'm working on now. Can I be totally vulnerable and honest, is this man really worthy of my love and devotion, and if he is......can I express that and be OK if he can't ever reciprocate or feel the same way?
And, I've also been on both sides of the coin, as well. I do not want to say it when I don't mean it and get trapped by my own guilt nor do I want to say it and have this expectation that the other person feels the same and then manipulate the same out of them. I did that with my XAH. That wasn't cool, either.
Oh, the lessons we learn in love, huh?
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I can only say that I've come to that place of unselfish love because I've done the work in getting to know and trust my Higher Power. I really cannot be fearless any other way. I have to know in my heart that I'm going to be taken care of overall, and the only being capable of that kind of care for me is God.
I'm not saying I operate this way all the time. It's often a tennis match between God and I at times. I can suddenly, inexplicably find myself wallowing in fear. I was there maybe a month or so ago because I'd completely forgotten that my HP was watching over me. I dove way deep into self-will and when I'm in self-will, that's where the fear comes up big time because I'm back to either being afraid of losing something I have or of not getting something I want.
I'm just so grateful for this program because more and more often it helps me open my eyes more quickly to what's going on and I know what I can do it get closer to God again.
My suggestion is diving into the study of the first three steps, particularly your Step Two beliefs because only when I decided to write, eat, drink, breathe and swim in that study and had my beliefs more established, could I then confidently act on step 3, like really FREE acting in confident faith, free from outcomes, because who cares about outcomes when I have my security in the knowing I already have everything I'll ever desire?!
How often come the opportunities for me to "prove" I am devoted first and foremost to Higher Power - all good things flow from that relationship, first things first.
Nothing brings more joy than giving and expressing pure love which is higher power flowing from us... and does so "naturally" after time spent in prayer and meditation... rather than "personality" sitting back discriminating and considering the decision to love, who deserves my acts of love and who is not really so deserving, should I or shouldn't I... this is not love nor freedom of course, it is the enemy "fear' stealing you away from God and keeping you from a much MUCH brighter experience.
First things first... self is out of the picture.... and love flows naturally.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 5th of April 2019 10:59:26 AM
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 6th of April 2019 07:57:10 AM
2HP, I love that acronym:
L O V E:
letting others voluntarily evolve
very powerful when you sit and think on it. Sometimes I'm too busy to sit and meditate and then remember to just turn it over to God. But, those are powerful reminders for me. I need to keep learning how to let go, love just because it's the right thing to do, and then let go of the outcomes.
But, what I'm learning is that I can still love and I can set boundaries. For a long time, I loved but I had no boundaries to protect myself. I blamed others when I should have been looking at myself and realizing that I was allowing things to occur as they did. I had no boundaries, I didn't love ME. Today, that is not the case and now I'm trying to filter through things with a sieve instead of collecting everything emotion and negative energy in a bucket.
Hugs to everyone this lovely April morning!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
