The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about the purpose some of our character defects can serve: as defenses for those of us having lived with alcoholism. As the writer states, I also found step 4 quite difficult as any type of flaw or shortcoming felt like a failure on my part. The first time my sponsor suggested that these defects were, in a sense, tools that I used before coming to the program in order to manage living with alcoholism- felt like a window was opened and a whole lot of fresh air was let in.
For me there is a theme running through some of the defects I have uncovered: sarcasm used as a way to deflect a conversation or situation; avoidance of an issue or conversation in order not to speak directly about it; humor used to distract from a situation or conversation. It amazes me now- because I have become so wary of people who do not speak directly or use avoidance tactics but that was me at one time!
I have learned to look at my own character defects to try and understand how they have served me in the past and why I no longer need them.
Spring is flirting with us again in the Northeast- looks like we have a lovely Sunday ahead; I hope thats the same for you all!
Good Morning Mary Upon working the Steps,I did see that my defects were developed to protect my sensitive self from the effects of this dreadful disease. It was indeed difficult to shed some of them such as" sarcasm" and" gossip' as i felt they were my friends, however program provided constructive tools to use instead and i m ever so grateful.
Thank you, Mary. Until Alanon, my go-to defense was always humor and sarcasm. I am more conscious of my remarks and how hurtful they may be....so I pause and catch myself a lot of the time now. My tongue hurts from biting it so much!
I too can see others using the same tactics I once used. Its quite off-putting, and I feel badly, yet forgive myself and them because it comes from a place of pain, not peace. I thank this program so much.
Have a wonderful Sunday MIP family! Yes, its getting Springish here in the Northeast.....another something to be grateful for.
Ellen
-- Edited by El on Sunday 24th of March 2019 07:17:44 AM
Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares and ESH. I can relate to them all and I too used many 'character defects' to defend myself from the affects of this disease. I look back and can clearly see how I not only contributed over and over again, my go-to reactions before recovery were all about stirring the pot unintentionally. Practicing empathy and understanding in recovery wasn't comfortable and wasn't well received because of my past patterns, but over time, it's more natural and better received.
What I see now that I couldn't see then is the absolute insanity of it all. I also leaned on sarcasm and humor often to deflect and then blamed others when nothing felt resolved. Today, I too am better and pausing sure helps me - not necessarily to find the 'perfect response' but rather to realize what not to do/say.
I too am grateful for a better, healthier way to be/act/do. Happy Sunday to all - we've got cloudy skies but way warmer weather than the long winter presented. I really love spring - the grass going green, the plants waking up, the bulbs popping through the dirt; it's like a rebirth moment for nature. I am grateful to be able to experience it and find peace and joy in the changing season where in the past, I missed it as I was focused on all the wrong things. Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Mary for your honest share and your service. I have just completed step 4 for the second round of doing the steps and it is always a journey of learning, Lyne
The Daily is a good reminder that one is never really "done" with a Step 4. Lyne said she just completed it for her second round and she is still learning things about herself - amazing stuff! I was surprised to find out that many of my strengths of character had been twisted and warped over the years due to living with an addicted person. I hadn't even known that some of them were really negative!! Yeah, sure, I knew that I could be very sarcastic ( I happen to love sarcastic/sardonic humor), and I was very self-aware when biting words would hurt others - so many times, things were said under my breath or in my head. What I couldn't see was that it was eating away at MY soul!!
I may have never learned this unless I did do a fearless inventory of myself. I may have also lived with guilt about my good qualities morphing into negative ones... instead, I learned to accept my human fallibility, accept that it is perfectly "OK" not to be Perfect, and to work each day so that my good qualities stay in the "Good" column of my life!
I don't normally do "avoidance"... I like to look at things head-on - "scientific me" I guess. But I learned that my "go-to" is sweeping issues under the rug. Minimalizing. I love to wear the Rose-colored glasses for sure! So, I work on that.
Had a wonderful lunch with Kid and Ex yesterday. Ex is working his strong Program and we can meet on friendly terms. I thank my HP and this program for that... as it has helped me to choose to NOT live in resentment and bitterness. I am very aware that even at 18, my Kid is still learning by my example. I hope he is proud of me.
It is a gorgeous spring day here in Cali! I am off to go plant some tomatoes and finish my art project!
Namaste!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Loved the insights on this page. Thanks so much Mary. Like some have mentioned, I too find I have more compassion for others doing what I used to do (or still do but not as often), because the steps have granted me such self compassion for this awful disease.
Luv 123
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
The inventory steps were deeply important for me as I came to understand that I truthfully played a part in the chaos and destruction of my life. At first blaming the disease of my wife for all of the problems worked for a short time until I honestly admitted that my problems did not originated when she entered my life and that she took up with and married me a person with questionable behaviors and consequences. Working with my sponsor I determined to know the one person I had lived my entire life with and knew very little about which was me of course. What a journey of discovery it has been and today I appreciate the me that's me and I believe my HP does also. YAY!! ((((hugs))))
Thanks Mary, and y'all...
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