The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been with a wonderful man for just under a year and I love him very much. Hands down the best relationship of my middle-aged life and he felt the same. I knew he had a history of heavy drinking but I was not seeing it until last month. There were subtle signs before that but nothing too dramatic. Then, I witnessed several binge-drinking episodes that were so severe I ended the relationship. I know from experience with family members that it's hard for people to quit even when they're actively trying, but if they're in denial, it doesn't end well for anyone. I think I did the right thing, but it was a painful decision and I'm grieving as if he died. It's horrible.
I heard from him after the dust settled and he let me know he's joined AA, started making amends to his family, and he's now committed to sobriety. That was encouraging news, but we both agreed we should stay apart while he works it through. He says he will reach out to me when he's on solid ground.
My friends are telling me I dodged a bullet and should gently let him go now. They don't believe that he'll be ready to resume a relationship for at least a year, and even then, he won't ever be there for me 100% because there will likely be continuing struggles, relapses, etc. They also tell me I shouldn't trust anything he's saying, as this may be a well practiced routine he pulls out when people discover his alcoholism. I know they love me, but I find their advice confusing and upsetting. It doesn't match what I'm seeing and it's all so distrustful and grim. But maybe I'm not thinking clearly.
I also know I'm completely powerless in this situation, and there's no guarantee that even if I wait and hope, he will succeed and want to come back to me. It's all in God's hands now and there's so much uncertainty. I feel foolish even writing this because it's not like we're married or have shared children to consider. I'm not sure why I can't just walk away. I guess I already have in most ways, but not in my heart.
Do you think there's any hope in this situation? Am I doing the right thing by letting him go through AA on his own? Should I be available to him on any level or should I just assume it's over and try to move on?
This person has an illness, after all. He is not the illness. it is a serious illness and relapse can happen.
The 'rule of thumb' in early recovery- is not to try and form a relationship for two years. You might go ahead and meet someone who has a fatal heart attack in six weeks!
If the bond is still there- with this person- why not keep in touch and check things out? I would continue to ask the questions you are asking here- and go into this with an open mind.
Is there hope? Absolutely yes - where there is life, there is hope, to be sure.
Do you know everything you need to know today, to make a long term (and somewhat future) decision? No way - not even close.
The best part is, you don't have to decide anything today. The very fact that you are leaving your mind open to the 'possibility' is completely good enough for today, and you can practice "just for today" along the way.
I'd encourage you in one way - regardless of what you do or don't decide about this man.....keep working on you, and your own growth/recovery..... with that, you'll find:
If he chooses a life of sobriety, and the two of you reconnect - you'll be better off for it....
If he chooses a life of sobriety, but you two don't reconnect - you'll be better off for it....
If he remains in his disease, regardless of any relationship with you or others - you'll be better off for it....
Hugs,
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome Ophelia as has been stated, you are dealing with a powerful disease over which we are powerless, There is hope, so I suggest you check out the local face to face alanon meetings in you community , pick up some literature and tools and keep coming back
I too welcome you to MIP Ophelia! Glad you found us and glad that you shared. My response is similar to Tom's above - there is always hope so long as one is breathing. Alcoholism is a disease that is cunning, baffling and powerful and which has no cure. Many alcoholics get sober every day, many others do not. We never know who can/will treat their disease as suggested to avoid relapse. I am a double winner, and have been sober 31+ years. I never had to experience a relapse - when my bottom arrived, it was 'good enough' for me. If he wants recovery, he'll do the work.
Alcoholism is a family disease which suggests any who live with or love an Alcoholic are probably affected. I too suggest you attend some Al-Anon meetings where you can share your ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) and listen to the same from others who are living with or loving one with the disease. We are encouraged to work on ourselves, focus on ourselves and recover from the affects of the disease.
I am sorry you are grieving the loss - that seems very natural/normal to me. Life would be easier if we could only love 'perfect people', unfortunately there is no such thing. We are all imperfect - doing the best we can - one day at a time.
You are not alone - keep coming back. There is tons of hope and help in recovery! Glad you're here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((((Ophelia))))) Great having you drop in reaching out to the family. It brings back so much memories of what it was like for me also, how it began, what happened and what it is like now. I couldn't get my head around anything where I first got here. I was attention deficit and oppositional defiant and argued and denied and fought against what others were trying to help me with. I was told that I didn't know what was going on and didn't even know that I didn't know, which I had to admit later was so true. The love and grace and acceptance and gentleness of Al-Anon finally convinced me to sit down, stay, listen, learn and practice what I was being shown. My alcoholic/addict wife later got into rehab and recovery and the miracle was stunning for both of us including our divorce. I came to believe and understand that I didn't need to be married to her as I felt when we first met and I was single from a prior addictive marriage. We both had our addictions and I came to understand how this program works.
Today I love my life with the serenity and sanity and sobriety. It works when we work it.
ophelia - so glad you are planning to seek out local meetings. Let us know how it goes!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I spent a lot of time thinking about it all last night ... what has happened, why I needed to reach out to you, all of your sage advice. I think this is more about me not accepting the situation as it is and trying to bargain it away, than any reality of what he might or might not do. What I thought was a dream relationship was more of an illusion than I realized. When his drinking problem blew up, he immediately recognized it and accepted responsibility, even contacting and apologizing to people from his past. He was so on board with the whole narrative that I have to think there's more to his history than he shared with me before. Probably there toward the end was only a glimpse of what life with him was really gonna be like, and he knew it.
I don't mean to sound bitter or even hopeless, because I think what he's doing now is amazing and as long as he makes sobriety his goal, I know he'll get there eventually. I guess it's more me realizing that I've been holding an empty bag all along, and holding onto it longer isn't gonna fill it up. I have to completely let go and accept the finality of our break up, because it wasn't an authentic relationship in the first place. The feelings were real, but the words and the experiences were lies by omission.
From there, I don't know. It may sound strange, but I can imagine us starting completely over from a more open and authentic place way off in the distant future. It would be a new and different relationship ... not just a continuation of what was before. That's probably me still bargaining, though --- ha :) I hate to let him go ... I love him so much and miss him like crazy. He's got countless wonderful qualities. I'm still functioning, but the tears are there just beneath the surface pretty much all day, every day. This is really, really hard.
Anyway, I'm still looking forward to attending local Al Anon meetings because as Tom says, working on my own growth and recovery is a win-win-win. This experience has opened wounds from my previous experiences with alcoholism (dad, step-dad, first boyfriend, brother-in-law), and I guess it's time I dealt with all of it head on. I found a beginners meeting nearby so I'll be checking that out tonight! Wish me luck :) Thanks again everyone.
Hi Ophelia
I just want to welcome you. I hope you'll keep coming back to share the Alanon recovery journey with us.
Others have offered wonderful suggestions and insights. I will just add in response to your family history that Alanon helps us to root out our own dis-ease and progress from coping and fearful projection to sane one day at a time living. I wish you serenity as you work the program and get to know yourself even more. You're worth it.
Thank you for sharing. (((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Your second post on this thread is full of sound advice... for yourself from yourself!!! You are obviously very self-aware, and know you have some history issues with drinkers. I really believe that everything Tom said was spot on - in my experience. It is also true that as long as there is breath, there is Hope.
But sometimes "we" use Hope incorrectly. It can keep us stuck. It can keep us from accepting the reality of each day. Al-Anon helps with ACCEPTANCE. It can also help us untangle the "whys" of OUR behaviors.
There may be a day in which you two reconnect...that is when you need to tap into the work you've done on you... find out if you can ACCEPT him as he is... if you can accept a life that will have the possibility of relapse in it. I found out (after working on myself), that I didn't want to live with that uncertainty... it made me feel unbalanced and fearful. I decided that I wanted more out of my life. This decision was all about ME... not what my estranged spouse was doing or not doing (or what he would do/not do in the future). Then I needed to work on the feelings of remorse and even shame that came with admitting this to myself. My meetings & sponsor helped me with all of that.
I must say I really, really liked your self-awareness about this: "I guess it's more me realizing that I've been holding an empty bag all along, and holding onto it longer isn't gonna fill it up."
Good luck at your meeting tonight! Keep working on you, and keep posting... "It works when we work it!"
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I'm happy you found yourself a meeting. I hope you hear something useful and you keep going back.
One of the gifts Al-Anon gave me was to learn to make decisions for myself and not have to do what others suggest each and every time. Well-meaning friends and family just don't understand. They don't live MY life in MY shoes and have to live with the consequences of whatever decisions I make. I have to get okay with myself first and foremost. I found myself an invaluable sponsor who never tells me what decisions I should make but instead guides me along with questions that can help me find my own answers that suit my life.
I'm so glad you're pausing now instead of reacting. I found that fear was and can be a driving factor to my making panicked decisions about relationships. One of the better ways I learned to combat that fear was to allow myself to pause and live in the questions and give the issue to my Higher Power.
Enjoy your meeting tonight. Make sure they give you a newcomer's packet. :)
I am also glad you found a meeting for tonight! Sending positive energy that it's a great fit. My experience was I had to try 2 places before I found my 'tribe'...the first meeting had lovely people - it was just super-sized and a bit overwhelming for me. The 2nd one was a bit smaller, more intimate and just 'felt right'....keep an open mind and listen for the similarities instead of the differences. Keep coming back - and I 2nd what Aloha has said - make sure you get the newcomer's packet! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hope and prayers going your way Ophelia and gratitude for bringing this to the board in search of understanding. This also helped me a lot. Thanks ((((hugs))))
Hi everyone ... can't tell you how much your support and kind words have meant to me this week. Thank you.
So, I attended my first meeting last night and it was really eye-opening. The group was welcoming and supportive. I felt understood in a way I haven't with my friends. It was really clarifying to hear all of their experiences, too, and made me realize how much we share in common. I got some hugs which I needed, and lots to think about. It'll be good for me to attend regularly, so I'm looking forward to going back.
As I heard myself summarizing the high points of my lifetime dealing with alcoholism in my family and relationships, I realized I really am deeply affected by the disease, right to the core. I mean, I always knew my father and step-father drank inappropriately, but I didn't really think of myself as the child of alcoholics until last night. And it wasn't until last night that I reflected on the number of times I've experienced or witnessed abuse at the hands of a man who was in a blackout. It's a pretty high number. For example, I was sexually assaulted by the father of the children I was babysitting when I was 17. He was a heavy drinker and was very intoxicated at the time. When my parents were still married, I'd wake up in the morning to find holes in the doors or walls where my dad had punched them or thrown something during a drunken argument. My step-dad began threatening to kill my mom during blackouts so she had to get a restraining order. And then of course, my own boyfriend back in college used to beat me after he'd been drinking. I think my sharp reaction to my recent ex's drinking was a PTSD reaction due to trauma like that. It's not my ex's fault, but I don't think I could ever feel safe around someone who was drinking to that level. More to the point, I guess, I'm now wondering what other, more subtle issues I've been carrying around as a result of these experiences. I've tended to compartmentalize it all as if "that was then, this is now," but I'm starting to get it ... it's there inside me, probably much more than I fully realize.
It's weird but even though all of this makes me feel awful, it also makes me feel relieved and hopeful, like a big exhale. No matter what happens in the long run with my current ex, I will always be grateful he unwittingly opened this Pandora's box. I can't wait to work it all through and truly let it go.
Thanks again for your guidance and support. You're angels on earth ((())))
I am so glad you found the meeting beneficial! Like you, I felt understood in a way no one else in my life was able to do.
Keep working on you... you are so worth it!!
Welcome to the "Journey of YOU."
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I wanted to share something that was shared over the boards years ago here.
If you knew nothing was going to change, and everything was going to stay exactly the way it was (in that case we were referring to an active drinker). Could you be happy?
I am not talking about getting in and fixing anything about the other person .. to be able to accept this is all that person could ever give to you. Would you be ok? Would the relationship be enough to continue. I think that's a fair statement for any relationship. Can you be happy and accept someone right where they are at knowing nothing was ever going to change.
So glad you found us and really glad to hear you are attending meetings it's a life saver and it's a life changer.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I wanted to share something that was shared over the boards years ago here.
If you knew nothing was going to change, and everything was going to stay exactly the way it was (in that case we were referring to an active drinker). Could you be happy?
I am not talking about getting in and fixing anything about the other person .. to be able to accept this is all that person could ever give to you. Would you be ok? Would the relationship be enough to continue. I think that's a fair statement for any relationship. Can you be happy and accept someone right where they are at knowing nothing was ever going to change.
So glad you found us and really glad to hear you are attending meetings it's a life saver and it's a life changer.
Hugs S :)
Thanks for the question, Serenity. I've been second-guessing my decision again today, and when you put it that way, I think I actually could accept it if he drank to the point of blacking out once or twice a year and that was it. The rest of the relationship was that good.
However, my past experiences have made me fearful of what can happen when someone is that drunk, and it's hard for me to separate what he's done from what I know others have done under similar circumstances. Classic PTSD. I'm not sure I've seen him at his worst yet, either. And I know this is a progressive disease, so ....
It's all really confusing, this mix of my own demons with what is and what could be. I'm exhausted trying to sort it out.
While I have long been a fan and a proponent of asking that type of question...aside from the specific content...in the context of the disease of alcoholism and/or drug addiction...the question can become hypothetical, for many reasons. One of the primary ones being -- this is a progressive disease!!! In the context of nothing was going to change -- that comes from a place of looking at us, can we be OK with it, can we be happy, etc. It's a very valuable question to ask and answer. It can help us get clarity in and around "where you are at" as it relates to the person, the relationship, etc. However, we cannot in reality rely on everything remaining exactly the same. Why? Because this is a progressive disease!!! Drinking gets worse, health gets worse, and other aspects of this disease gets worse.
That said, kudos SerenityRUS!!! Excellent post!!!
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
What stayed with me finally was the support from the lessons in expectations and living in the present. Living in the past was a bad decision and living in the future with my brain and expectation kept me in insanity. There was no way I could imagine a brighter future because of the very negative sick present. It was what I knew that was real so I couldn't get my head around the hopes for a brighter future. The status was getting worse and that is what we knew. letting go completely worked and I broke almost complete contact with my alcoholic/addict wife...almost because I relapsed a time or two only to get sicker than the condition before I let go. That was predicted in the program and my education so I practiced surrendering on a daily basis and as I did I became aware of the miracle of recovery that became for her. The miracle was stunning and HP used her to show me a living example of humility I could not deny.
My alcoholic addict got clean and sober in a way I would not have imagined given our history together and then there it was, she allowed herself to be blindly led thru her program which surprised even her primary counselor. When we parted she was mentally, emotionally and physically beautiful and we shared loving attitudes to each other and parted that way because we no reason to be attached. Being married was not good or positive for either of us so we didn't "need" each other.
She is the living example of humility for me in my recovery. She allowed herself to be teachable and I am grateful for the example she became. I get a daily opportunity to get my heard around it and it makes me smile. Thank you God. (((((hugs)))))
