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My fourth step really helped me see that I have a lot of anger. That's not really easy to admit as when I was a kid growing up in an alcoholic home I wasn't allowed to be angry. Expressing anger was not allowed and I didn't feel it was acceptable to even be angry. I was afraid of anger especially my own. It didn't stop me from feeling angry though. Instead it built up and built up until I felt I was justified in releasing it and then I would snap. I sometimes describe it as having two settings doormat or crazy woman. Most of the time my setting was on door mat but eventually I would have too much and then the dial would turn to crazy woman there was no in between. Now that I am more aware of this character defect I can see how other people are now scared of making me angry (my daughter and my husband mostly). I am in the process of being ready to release this defect of character. I've realized that stuffing my negative feelings isn't good for me (or anyone else). It was a survival skill I learned that no longer serves me. And so I've been trying to be more in touch with my feelings through meditation, yoga etc. Well today I am angry, it is hard to admit but I am willing to admit it instead of what I used to do which was deny it and stuff it and feel it bubbling inside of me. My husband said something nasty the other night when he was drunk and that hasn't happened in a long time and it made me angry and sad. My daughter was angry and yelled some angry things at me today and that also made me angry and resentful. That old loop of resentment started going through my head the one that says "I do all these things for you people and no one in my house appreciates me blah blah blah". I know when I start feeling that way that I am likely doing too much for others that they can do for themselves and I've lost the focus on myself in the process. It just so happens that I have a day off to myself today which is wonderful. It's the prefect way to be able to focus on me. So I'm going to accept that I'm angry. Try to hand it over to my higher power and do something that will bring me some joy. My husband wanted to come home early to spend time with me. At first I felt guilty about not wanting him to but that's how I feel so I told him I had plans (which I do) and that I wouldn't be available until later in the day. Thanks for listening. Any ESH on how you deal with anger would be much appreciated. Feeling lighter already....
Hi KT. I must say you have great awareness and seem to already know what to do when you feel anger. I think the awareness is key, and then the willingness to change. When I keep practicing my alanon tools, I get better and better at facing reality, not trying to force solutions, and therefore I am taking better care of myself. One other thing I try to do is pause before I speak, but I find expressing myself to the source is a great relief. I follow the rule, say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. Keep up the good work, Lyne
KT - You are working your program to a "T," girl!!! Keep doing it, it looks fantastic on you!!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
KT, I agree with the others that you have great awareness and you are working a strong program. I learn so much from your posts.....thank you for being here with/for us!
((((KT)))) Great subject for me as it helps me expand on the lessons I have already learned and practice from HP, my sponsors and the fellowship. When I was young anger was an unacceptable sin and being young and a sinning practitioner and a member of a major religions got me sure fire non-cancelable passage to hell. I was doomed and came to accept that as bible truth which led me to the next level of rage constantly. No one including me understood that I hated the condition and character but then I got no help other than punishments (which I hated of course) and a reputation as a rage maker and crazy person.
I didn't know how to adjust or fix it until I got into Al-Anon, listened to the fellowship, got a sponsor and learned and worked the steps and principles of the program. My sponsor worked with me on learning the opposite of anger and rage as being acceptance of the fact that unacceptable things had and will continue to happen in my life...just the fact not a morality. My HP stunningly taught me that the opposite of fear was love and that fear is always the mid-point of my rage and anger. What I love I will not fear and what I fear I cannot love. I find this completely true in our program of acceptance and love.
Great post. Thank you for the continued lessons. ((((hugs))))
with anger in particular, I prefer to tell myself "There is anger in me" rather than "I am angry"... a bit of a distinction in willingness to work "with" it rather than giving myself an identity or something... or another old habit of shaming myself, telling myself I shouldn't be angry, further suppressing my anger and frustration as it was done in childhood.
When I notice there is "anger in me" or "Yes the fireworks are going off in my head!!" I was taught in recovery that a resentment of any kind is cue for "time to work an inventory."
even just a spot check inventory. a willingness to look for causes and conditions. Writing it out gives me clarity for everything circling around in my head, often confusion or my perceived needs, expectations or attachments. Sometimes I am angry at stuff that is not even true so it really helps to just clarify my thoughts and identify what is being threatened in me... all gives me something to work with ( sponsorship was immensely helpful.)
If anger is still coming up, I just write write write... giving myself permission to feel it and voice everything I need to express. I might read this to my sponsor, or oftentimes, I've just tossed it in the trash.
Today I know that as an adult child, there are old feelings I never got to express. Today, I can make amends to ME by giving my little girl permission to just feel her feelings... simply acknowledge them... observe her anger but try not to react to the anger today. I talk about it with people who are "safe." I've found that sometimes old wounds are "triggered" and anger may come out "sideways" at the wrong people.
I can recall my daughter telling me, "Mom, calm down, you're yelling."
and I was like, " I AM NOT YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And she'd say, "yep. yep. you are indeed yelling."
In Al-anon, alongside professional counseling, I learned that I had a lot to be angry about. I eventually learned that my anger was not an enemy, it was only trying to tell me something.
Today, when strong feelings arise, I very much like putting my hand over my heart as an act of self-compassion.
"I am hurting"
"There is anger in me"
"I'm scared."
And to affirm, "I am here for you." How else can we amend what mother couldn't give? We can receive love from the divine mother within - today I know she was right here all along.
Prayer is also very effective for me, I pray for the people I am angry with. It is amazing how often there is a shift, not necessarily getting them to knuckle under and act the way I want them to act, lol. Rather, it cultivates a "softening" in me, calms my whole nervous system which I prefer to the feeling of my anger.
Meditation practice also gives perfect clarity, allowing me to see the anger in there and sometimes, it just burns up during the bliss of meditation.
MY ESH, let it come up so you can investigate it. This too shall pass.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 15th of March 2019 02:48:15 PM
How to deal with anger? How to handle anger. Very simple. You can't go around it, over it or under it...you have to go through it. Now, that doesn't mean you have to marinate in it and stay in it. It doesn't mean you have to sit with it and have it consume you.
What it means is you have to go through it and get past it...and we do that just the way the program shows us...steps one, two and three...Acceptance...Surrender...Let it go. That's it.
Once I got the acceptance, everything else was easy. Acceptance was the first domino to fall...and then the rest fell and very quickly.
All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you for sharing on anger. I can relate to all you said. I've never been taught how to accept anger in myself or others until alanon. Anger terrified me my whole life. If someone expressed anger somehow my mind took the blame it seemed confirmation I wasnt good enough. Then in my marriage to my exah his anger was very powerful and so my people pleasing would work overtime to prevent the sight or sound of his anger. I taught my children to fear anger and he taught them how to Express anger dramatically and in almost every situation. My own anger during these years was suppressed or expressed through passive aggressive behaviour mostly and all extremely well justified. Coming into alanon I have had some freedom from this. I don't see other peoples anger as my responsibility and know that it's actually kinder and more truthful to not accept the blame for it. I'm still working on feelings. My go to is that they are a sign of my weakness my sickness my not been a good enough alanoner. Basically a stick to beat myself with at times. I absolutely love what 2hp has said here and I'm going to keep coming back to this post. I am waiting for the day I can be truly loving and kind to myself. Mother myself a bit. X
I believed that anger and fear were the two sides of the same coin. Grief comes from the same source, but also love and joy... ...
i was locked out, switched off, and felt isolated for much of my life- not so now... so a swirl of emotion; something these days I have sweet boundaries for, after years of baby steps... and beginning to enjoy life- active serenity and detachment... ...
with anger in particular, I prefer to tell myself "There is anger in me" rather than "I am angry"... a bit of a distinction in willingness to work "with" it rather than giving myself an identity or something... or another old habit of shaming myself, telling myself I shouldn't be angry, further suppressing my anger and frustration as it was done in childhood.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 15th of March 2019 02:48:15 PM
I LOVE all this, but especially this part. Thank you everyone. I needed this today. Funny how that works!!!
(((KT))) - What a great topic and share - thanks for bringing it here to MIP....love the ESH shared - helpful discussion. We feel what we feel when we feel it - and I can relate to the analogy you use. I too stuffed for a long while and then I would explode and it was not sane, healthy or pretty at all! In recovery, I do all that I can to let things go as fast as possible just because I don't do well with unresolved issues/feelings.
What I've always heard about anger and resentments is: Write About It, Talk About It and Pray About It. I seem to process better with writing - having things in front of me in black/white - not to mention that writing for me feels almost like a purge has happened. Writing also helps me see if what I think I am feeling (anger) is just anger or if there is more mixed in - most of my anger when I peel back the onion is driven by 100% forms of fear (often unrealistic or based on projecting). Each time I work to process negative energy, I find fear mixed in - it was the biggest issue/concern in my 4th step as I drilled down.
Talking through anger with my sponsor is always healing for me. She never tells me what to do or gives me advice but allows me to talk it out/hash it out with probing questions. She encourages me and suggests but doesn't order or assign. She's a gem and wealth of information, experience, strength and hope.
My experience is that when I am holding on to anger or resentments and feel they are justified (in my crazy mind), I often feel blocked from the sunlight of the spirit. I feel closer to my HP when I am not bogged down with negative energy and emotion. So - I do all that I can with any tool available to let go and move forward. I am not a fan of unacceptable behavior from anyone - especially those I love and live with. What I do know today is what others think of me is really not my business and their words are a reflection of them vs. me. Don't get me wrong - I would love to live in a house where everyone was kind always, no cross words or names were ever spoken and we all unconditionally loved and respected each other....I have hope for that always and do my part to keep my side of the street clean. Yet - I am reminded each and every day that I really am powerless over other people, places and things so there is always a choice to detach, absorb, ignore, walk away, bottle it up or release it!
I know you work a great program and I suspect today's been a better day. When mine are fueled by the insanity of this disease, I try to detach as best I can and not take things personally. I hope you know you are not alone and as we often say, This too shall pass! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good morning KT and all. As I pondered this posting I did remember that prior to program I changed all my negative feelings into anger because I found this emotion easier to express . and it made me feel powerful. Today i have learned how to feel and express sadness, anxiety. fear without feeling less than and I am ever so grateful to this program for this gift
All I can say is WOW just WOW. I appreciate every single post here and have grown so much just from reading them. Thank you all for being part of my journey and growth.
All I can say is WOW just WOW. I appreciate every single post here and have grown so much just from reading them. Thank you all for being part of my journey and growth.
KT just wanted to say that we're having a meeting this morning in the chat room and one of the topics is Anger. Please come on in, if you're able. You'll hear a lot of good shares, just like the ones here! Anger has an acrostic (a poem, word puzzle, or other composition in which certain letters in each line form a word or words), does anyone remember what it is? I lost my list of Acrostic sayings and am trying to put one together again.
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I too grew up in a house where I wasnt allowed to have any emotions.
I have learned to speak nicely to the person that says disrespecting things to me and to set a boundary that I didnt appreciate what they said to me. I used to be afraid they were going to get angry at me which kept me from standing my ground. I had to lots of therapy because I had so much PTSD being triggered by angry people. Now I can stand up whether they have anger in their voices I can speak without the anger. I dont hold it in. I used to hold the anger in and I was a ticking time bomb.
I know that I live in a stressful situation and I have learned that for me to feel better I have to exercise everyday. This blows the anger away. Also I have to have some enjoyable hobbies to take my mind off of what is going on in my life.
I like to be in nature and I take walks with my headphones. I have a favorite calm spot that I go to relax.
Being with an A, I can be angry 24/7 because his actions are not to help the family but selfish desires and very hurtful. I had a hard time understanding how a person could be so disrespectful but now I know he is what he is and dont expect anything from him. I have made this person a blob. I understand that I could be compassionate to him but I just do not want any feelings what so ever for him. He is on his own. I try to detach so I have my own space and I can be my own person.
I have learned to meditate which is wonderful. I find doing something for yourself helps to lessen the anger...
KT, It's pretty awesome the way you've been able to get honest about your feelings of anger and the effects of others anger on you. Anger left unattended can come out sideways as you indicated from stored up resentment. I envy your progress concerning stating you want alone time. I think that taking space is healthier than being physically there but not able to be fully present due to something unresolved. I think taking time to work through what we're feeling alone is good as long as I long as my motive is clean and I'm not intentionally withdrawing as a way of being unforgiving or punishing the other person. Thanks for sharing your progress. I think sometimes our anger can be justified. In heated moments it can be difficult to express it with civility.I might ask
hp to go in before me.But I think we're all doing our best one day at a time to be better people and that can be helpful for acceptance of ourselves and others as imperfect but no less lovable. TT
\ i
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 21st of April 2019 07:14:59 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I know I feel pretty good to release anger instead of holding it inside and letting it fester.
I totally understand how mad I can be hanging with my A.
Even writing about anger helps get it out because it certainly doesnt feel great all bottled up..
For me, anger (and resentment) was the secret sauce, the secret ingredient...and in my experience, it is the enigmatic X factor which can stand in the way of someone's recovery. Once I got a handle on the anger and resentment -- a handle just enough to get past it and let it go -- EVERYTHING else fell into place!!! The entire rest of the program happened, happened immediately, and more importantly, my recovery accelerated exponentially.
Anger, and resentment, can take on many forms. I read it all the time here on these boards. I hear about it all the time in alanon meetings.
For me -- in my experience -- don't give it too much time, don't let it take up too much space in your head, don't let it live in your head rent-free, and so on. Yes, it's real!!! Without question! You have to feel it, you have to ACCEPT that you feel it. However, there is a big difference between ACCEPTING anger, and ACCEPTING that you feel anger. Big difference. Spend a lot of time with anger, and you give it too much life. Too much validity and too much credibility. It's real. Got it. Accept that you feel it, do not let it consume you or your time or your mental capacity or your thought process...and then SURRENDER. Acceptance...then Surrender. That's what the program teaches us. Once I surrendered... I WAS ABLE TO LET IT GO!
The people I used to be angry at... I know feel sorry for them. I have compassion for them.
Anger can be the first thing we let go of to start our journey of recovery.
Thanks for all the posts everyone!
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I know I feel pretty good to release anger instead of holding it inside and letting it fester. I totally understand how mad I can be hanging with my A. Even writing about anger helps get it out because it certainly doesnt feel great all bottled up..
Excellent awareness and points. If writing about it helps -- do it! Don't overdo it though, LOL. All the best and keep going to f2f meetings!
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
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