The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Before alcohol got its grips into my family, my AH and I had managed to build a strong, healthy emotional foundation for ourselves and our children. We were partners in every sense of the word and I never worried about having to hold it all together by myself. Seeing that foundation begin to slowly crumble around me has been the most difficult thing Ive ever faced. For awhile, I was so dumbfounded, so taken aback by it, that I simply stood there, rooted in place, watching and unsure of how exactly to stop the deterioration. But Ive begun to act now. And the weight of our foundation that used to be held up by him, Im figuring out how to hold up by myself. At this point, I can depend on him financially, and that is all. I cant say that it isnt frightening to suddenly realize that and more importantly, to accept that reality. It is terrifying if I allow myself to think. So instead Im learning to DO. I can sit and watch the security and stability that my children need fade away, or I can stop thinking about it and jump into action and patch things up as best I can on my own. Im learning that I can bear more of the burden because Im stronger than I ever knew. But tonight he took a sledgehammer to that foundation and Im struggling with how to mend a hole that large quickly enough to quell my childrens fears. He handled what should have been a minor incident completely inappropriately and ultimately laid a drunken guilt trip on them so large theyll likely never quite recover fully. They went to bed tonight in tears, quieted by me, but still not ok. I know they need to see me strong so I did not cry though my heart was breaking for them. I also did not want AH to see me cry. I wanted no distraction from the fact that he caused this. My children were not reacting to ME or my emotions. I was determined not to let him dismiss it as such. He needs to own this. But Ill pick up the pieces by myself. Because I can. Because someone has to and its obvious that hes no longer capable of being the husband I want or the father they need.
Oh this takes me back and its so heartbreaking. I also watched my children suffer at the hands of my exAH. Its one of my biggest regrets. He and I both damaged our children badly and I have had to accept this and had to accept that the disease entered every nook and cranny of our lives even while I was trying to hide parts of it. Its too big to patch up. My kids reached puberty and stopped playing the pretend game and our family was torn apart literally. I left with my two sons aged 10 and 14 and he stayed with our daughter 16. Horrible period of time but it was the beginning of healing on some level. It forced me to seek help and I got Alanon and things began to improve rapidly for all of us. I never returned to him. He has been sober for about 6 yrs now but his relationship with our children has never really healed over but mine has. Its a devastating disease and I truly wish I had the courage and awareness at the time to protect my kids from the effects and get myself into Alanon while they were small.
((((Twinkies)))) Sending you support and some love. I read myself in your post!
This was important to me: "For awhile, I was so dumbfounded, so taken aback by it, that I simply stood there, rooted in place, watching and unsure of how exactly to stop the deterioration."
For many years I knew things were "going south" again, but I was in denial. I just kept patching up those holes, knowing that some of them were irreparable. I currently am not sure if what I did to bolster the family unit was helpful or hurtful to my son in the end. I know that it hurt me... but at the time, I wasn't thinking of me at all. Or if I did, it was always loaded with huge amounts of fear. Fear I wouldn't be enough. When you said, "It is terrifying to allow myself to think," I could almost hear myself say that!!
I truly commend you for being your kids' rock. I almost started crying when I read that you said they needed to see you strong. I lived two years like that... one was the last year before we got out, and the second was the year we left and established ourselves - my son and I. I knew that I had to keep it together... that he needed that rock to cling onto while life was so uncertain for him! But some days I just wanted to curl up and cry until there were no more tears! I frequently cried in the shower so that he could not hear my weakness.
I left a 29 year marriage. It was HARD as hell. Kid's relationship with father is still incredibly strained, although his father finally found and has stayed in Recovery. I have made my amends to my son for my part in the last 8 years. He thanked me for being his rock... your kids will thank you too. One thing that helped my kid was therapy. He would not go to Al-ATeen, and he was too old for me to "make him" go. But your kids may need an outside source to vent their frustrations to, or to get some questions answered they may be too scared to ask you.
I am wishing for you... clarity... peace... but most of all, continued strength. You are traveling one of the most difficult roads.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Twinkies...my heart broke reading your post. I so understand and have lived/am living a lot of what you wrote. However, at this point of my AH's deterioration, there are no young children at home. I give you tremendous credit for your strength, when you would like nothing more than to give in to your own fears and sadness. I am sending you prayers and hope. Turn to your HP......the answers will come.
(((Twinkies))) - I too can relate to where you are and what the disease is presenting + the worry for the children. I too am sending you tons of positive thoughts, energy and prayers. I too admire your courage to work on what you can change and to keep putting one foot in front of the other. In my case, I just kept leaning into the program, and those who came before me and answers did come....not when I wanted, but when I needed.
(((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Dear Twinkies, I so relate to you and to your children.... as an adult child myself, I grew up with the scenario you describe. I went on to marry a drug addict/alcoholic and eventually became a mother to two who today, are adult children themselves. there is help and hope in recovery, it will always be a choice for anyone affected by alcoholic insanity.
I encourage you to ask yourself, where did you get that sense of calm, strength and self-control? you didn't react?!!
Hang onto the MIRACLE of staying calm in the storm, a perfect foundation for YOU to build upon! Continue tapping into whatever or wherever you got that sense of calm and peace, keep on doing what is working for you! my experience is, it will take you as far as you want to go.
The more I learned to hold onto the "calm" (aka the Higher Power) the more I found myself making good, solid decisions. the more good solid decisions I make, the more my children see the "opposite" of insanity ((hugs))
