The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been a good long while; some of it due to a lack of internet connection. It was probably a good thing, as I find limiting net time difficult.
Like the subject line, I'm facing one of those times when everything is going very well so there has to be one obstacle, in the form of another human being.
I guess I am just trying to find a new mental approach to this conflict; rather than openly approaching the way I want to, which is to say war mode, I am wodering if I can manage to put this person into the appropriate perspective. IE, don't argue with stupid it will drag you down to its level and beat you with experience. (Thanks George Carlin, I miss your earthly presence and am grateful you have been enshrined into youtube).
It is a soft spot as it is to do with my disabled child. I would much prefer to throw my hands in the air, perhaps in a certain direction, and just home school him. But on the other hand, it isn't his fault there are no schools for him here and the official policy is one of inclusion. We are dealing with an egotistical fixer, who doesn't listen and whose need to be in control exceeds every other need in the room. I am like a red flag to people like that, mostly because I have a raw and very direct intelligence; I thrive in verbal and written exchanges and pursuing my point. It is also an extra insult to the fragile, because there is nothing in my social background to suggest this intelligence should even exist. The difficulty is he is my son, and I have been surprised to discover, my weak spot. To think anyone fails to see him as a human being in the place where that basic respect ought to most particularly exist, begins to raise my maternal instinct to an almost primal level. This is not conducive to dispassionate, logical and winning argument.
So of course I'm bringing it here. I must detach myself from this as a personal threat to our safety, which it is, but to work from that angle will simply feed into the other persons energy and take from my own.
So, I will try instead to see this as a little obstacle HP has thrown me for a little amusement and perhaps as a pop quiz to see how well I have learned this familiar test.
I expect to encounter a lot of it in the profession I have chosen, so perhaps this is good practice.
I am aiming to have the matter resolved swiftly, concisely and on precise terms.
A4l, I'm not sure of your exact situation, but I did want to come in and share that I do understand the feelings around a child who doesn't quite fit into the available school system. I understand the maternal emotions, and the frustration and anger. I often felt alone in this situation, that no one but me was on my child's side. In the long run -- 20 years out -- we are doing well.
Things that helped were: Detachment from all kinds of expectations, shifting my perspective, and being willing to change what I could change and not try to change that which I could not. Program tools help in so many situations.
Sending positive thoughts that all works out in the best way possible for you and your child.
LOL Jerry..so right on as usual. There are none here now and I thought it was bad when there was "only"one. I guess this is my next best thing.
Thanks Freetime. I do have expectations around my son being treated with care and respect; I won't be detaching anytime soon from that expectation either. Although I do admit a huge part of the clash with this person is that we both have strong personalities. I differentiate mine though in this instance because I don't actually want to be there; I am having to be there because there is no one else to do it and if I let him go as it is, I know Im going to wind up with a very angry child simply because he is frustrated. So avoidable if only there was just a bit of an effort to let go of expectations of who he should be rather than who he is.
Well, Im not feeling keyed up about it anymore. I know my strengths, and my weaknesses, such as total lack of diplomacy after three explanations and three hours sleep. Guess who's going to bed early tonight lol.
After that meeting, I have another meeting and neither are the meeting I really need. Hmmmmmm. Im going to have to try an onliner.
(((a4l))) - I too am sending you prayers and positive energy. Both of my boys had IEP(s) - Individual Education Plans - which are required in our state when there are special needs requirements. They both were tested early in their educational journey for gifted, and both were 'labeled' as such.
If I had it to do over again, which I don't, I would not have chosen this path for them. They were mainstreamed for the majority of their days, and then had special classes unique to their classification. "This" made them targets for bullying and the whole experience was tough for us all.
What I can share is that when I advocated for my boys, I was not heard when I got emotional/too passionate. When I could 'act as if' I was advocating as a professional vs. a mom, took my facts with me, and listened actively, we made progress. Our tools can be very helpful in advocating for ourselves as well as our children.
Betty's right - you are a great momma - do you and trust in your program! You got this!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am sending good thoughts your way! I can certainly understand and commiserate with the "Momma Bear" type of emotions/thinking. Iamhere's last paragraph is especially true in my own case raising my son in the school system in which we reside.
I am glad to hear that you are more centered.
Peace to you and your son!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thanks for the support. It went OK. What a nightmare though the whole situation. No one is trained in special ed. And he's the extreme end. On the plus side his teacher aide and teacher are awesome. I find it hard to not be emotional with this child, he is so very very vulnerable. I'm also really bad with eye rollers and hope God gives me the opportunity to meet the offending person again in street clothes.
Or I could choose not to take it personally.
So hard!!
Girl - I hear you! It is hard - you are parenting, unconditionally loving and advocating for YOUR CHILD, whom you know better than others. I truly had to pick up the 'act as if' (it's not my child) just so I could listen for facts and present/respond professionally. I lost it many times over the years, and it truly was counter-productive. I viewed them as difficult to work with and they viewed me exactly the same way. Breathe, breathe and breathe more - you got this! Perhaps next time you have to attend, you put a Q-Tip in your pocket...my sponsor made me walk around this way for a long time as I took most everything personally....I too had a eye-roll habit that clearly showed others exactly what I thought/felt. I had to do a ton of work and prayer on this as it too was counter-productive. Hang in there!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This has turned out to be unexpectedly good for me. Sometimes the answers we seek are a long time coming and arrive in the least expected places. Having to fight for him and desperately explain his world view forced me to slow down and actually think about his and our whole journey over the last eight years. I get tearful with the realisation and the absolute gratitude to realise two things:
1. I really do deeply love this child and
2. He is himself and that self is actually really cool.
We have really struggled since he was born. I never felt attached to him like my other children; his birth was difficult and it affected our relationship even without the disabilities thrown in. SO for years and years I have been parenting him going through the motions, hating myself for not feeling that love and being very resistant to him. I had seriously considered putting him into an institution because I just couldn't see how things were ever going to improve. It had gotten so bad last year that I didn't want to touch him or be touched by him. So, yes I have been asking my HP for years, why have you given me this child and what is his purpose?
Yesterday afternoon, everything clicked finally, deeply and tearfully, Im not a crier and I hugged him and told him proud of him I was and am. He patted my head, babbled softly and showed me a picture of a cake.
It was perfectly him and perfectly us and I'm grateful. Things will still be hard, but as cliche as it sounds, the love will get us through.
Thank you for listening. Now I have to pull myself together, dry my eyes and go collect him from his first no mummy morning at mainstream school.
This was a beautiful, thought provoking set of topic and responses to read through. I loved seeing the intention then the follow through and then the victory. Thanks so much for letting us be witness to it. There are some great tools brought up in here and great examples of how to put them to use.
Blessings and prayers for you and your beautiful boy,
Luv123
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
(((a4l))) - awesomely wonderful awareness! Your post reminds me how we can and do find miracles and beauty when we really aren't looking for them. Keep doing you - more will be revealed and I do believe the 'best is yet to come'...(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
