The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wow i have learned so much from this program and the one thing I have learned the most is Honesty about selfwarness like my feelings my attitude, the way I treat others,and the way I treat myself...
Well a few of you know i lost a new born child 14 years ago this coming July and I have been reading a series of books and this one book out of the series i am reading dealt with how the family dealt with there Mothers death of termail cancer and the Son she gave up for adopton because her family wouldn't let her keep him... While the mother was on her death bed the one thing she prayed for was a mirical from God that she would she her son so she could tell him she never wanted to give him up and that she did search for him but the case was shut and couldn't be reopened and how much she always love him.....well in the end the mother saw her first born son and all before she died....
This really and trulely touched me because i too lost a child at birth i never told the child how much I loved him or how much I would miss him and how terrible sorry I was that life turned out like it did with his death....
In my alcoholic home death was not done right for me i was not able to grieve I had to suck it all in and deal with it and if i did show my emotions it would come back as i was being selfish for not thinking of all my family who had lost the child with me!!!! I was not able by my choice to hold my child at birth i just couldn't imagain putting this child in a grave after years of wanting to get married and have children of my own.....
It was a lose that i feel so deep down in side not only because I lost him but because of the DAMN SECRET I was keeping because at that time I didn't want anyone to disown me for doing something my alcoholic parents wouldn't have a greed with and that was kissing a guy i hardly knew at the time who had been in and out of crack homes on alcohol but at the time was doing the best he could to clean himself up and move foward with his life but in the meantime I worried that i might have gotten AIDS from kissing him this was way before I was married and I didn't want to be ambarsament for my family cause I was the child always doing the wrong thing could never do anything right even if i did or didn't try for my parents.....
I feel I have a BIG AMENDS to ME and that selfawareness of forgiving me for using the surival skills I was taught when i was a child and they hurt my Baby and he suffered because of my survial skill of secrets,fear,abondment ,self judgement and thinking about others and what they would think of me or my parents!! ( I have been tested and NO I DON"T have AIDS) but it took me coming here and being in the program before I was at peace enough to go and get checked by a doctor which was wonderful...
Along with my mother death which was self indused she killed herself with alcohol she had no ropes too pull her through her depression,resentfulness,hate for herself,blaming, and most of all her lack of thinking she was only hurting herself but in fact she was hurting all of us.... As i am reading the books i realize just how much I need HP in my life with out him i couldn't have gone through what i have been through... i have been told by friends having heard my story "i can't beleive you are doing as good as you are with out following in the foot steps of your family with drinking and drugs" and i just repley i have to give HP the credit he has a bigger plan for me and my life.... and I am TRUELY GRATEFUL I didn't follow in my familys footprints!!
In working the steps I am finding STEP 8 to be the hardest of them all... I am willing to make the admends but it is hard to make a living amends to those not living like mom, 1st born son, and others....But i am sure when it comes down to it HP will help me and it will be AWESOME!!!!!
Anyways thanks for letting me share!! i am gratefull for all of you !!!
((((((((((bubbles))))))))))))) sometimes praying for the willingness to be willing can be really helpful. When you do get to step 9, i have heard others share that they made amends to those lost by doing something that would please them today. For example, a lost friend that was homeless, volunteering time to a homeless shelter might work. Or for an lost alcoholic parent or a lost child maybe honoring them in how you parent by being the best parent you could ect ect.
I found that the amends i made, i made for me. So i wouldn't have to carry around all my old hurts. If others benifit then that's great, it's like killing two birds with one stone.
Hang in there, your not alone. Hp will do for you what you can not do for yourself.
Mastiff's ideas are geat - I have also heard about writing down your amends, saying what you wished you could have said then, and then either burning it and sending the message in the smoke, or putting the message in a balloon and letting it go (Don't know if I would do this last one - what if the balloon came down and someone else read it?) Anyway, the idea would be to send your message in some symbolic way.
