The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 35
The willingness to give up my pride and self-will to a Power greater than myself has proved to be the only ingredient absolutely necessary to solve all of my problems today. Even the smallest amount of willingness, if sincere, is sufficient to allow God to enter and take control over my problem, pain, or obsession. My level of comfort is in direct relation to the degree of willingness I possess at any given moment to give up my self-will, and allow God's will to be manifested in my life. With the key of willingness, my worries and fears are powerfully transformed into serenity.
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TWO YEARS of one thing after another, on top of a life already ladened with lots of hardship and being alone with no family didn't help.....
I was already broken and beaten by childhood abuse and trauma that noone should have to go through, so I had had hopes that my adult, especially my recovery life would be happier..
What was I doing wrong??? why growth in some ways, but my circumstances usually SUCKED???
I'm tired..I want to be able to take decent care of me and not have to worry so much about setbacks on a very tight budget...I was wondering these things...
15 years of recovery and seems that , yea, I feel better about me, but the same ole crap (hardship and bad luck) was not lifting..LOADS of losses and yea, I made life changes to cope and survive...I'm healthier in lots of respects but LIFE is not better....so what was I doing wrong???
Life beating me down slowly...At first I didn't take much notice until starting around Labor day 2018 when I got my first back spasm...(I had 3 in about 4-5 months span----LOTS even for me) I began to slide into a depression state
I was losing interest in my friends on facebook...not "up to" going to the gym so I would do my workouts at home, blasting my tunes to escape the misery and pain of my life of late....Escaping into fantasy because it was the only time I was REAL happy...
I began to kinda avoid people and talking to them because I was tired of relating bad news, so I didn't take any calls for a while...(Finally some TRUE blue friends who wouldn't give up trying to connect with me, I told them WHY I was backing off) I just didn't want to "bum them out" with my BS
I was even considering dumping all this recovery work because yea, I am getting better at me, but being sober (no self medicating) I could SEE, just how crappy my life IS.....drinking and smoking pot with my friends, at least gave me a respite, but No!!! I dont' want to go there...I want to resolve this..someway, somehow, i want to face and resolve what I am doing wrong..
problems, one after another hitting me like hail on an aging roof....Pounding me, leaving "pits" in their wake, and I would no sooner recover and BANG!!! Another problem/trial would hit...They were coming at such regularity, I really had no time to recover from the last one when the next one would hit....deaths (yea, nature) job loss and failure to replace, multiple back spasms and BAD ones.. multiple relationships ending, financial struggle, and setbacks threatening me financially, TWO attacks of termites in less then a year, I think it began when my dog got killed 2 years ago...one thing after another and there are heaps more, but I think you get my drift....
I was trying to "dodge bullets" and I wasn't really living...Just coping...trying to survive...trying to put out the next "fire ball" tossed at me....was it spiritual attack??? I don't know, but when my lil fat girl got this terrible wound this past couple of days , that was the straw that broke my back....that was it.....
I broke down and told God that "I can't do this anymore----I am wary of you, frightened of you, not sure I can trust you...but I am WILLING...Please help me..."
I made the commitment to step 3...I surrendered my life and my will/ego AND my burdens over to my Higher Power....I decided to STOP viewing HP as what my parents portrayed, but what program portrays...the promises...the transformation I see in others....Yea, I want that for ME!!!! Yes, I know life is going to toss balls of manure at me, yea, but my life was out of balance....more S*** then the good /wanted stuff....so it was time....
I told HP if he/she would get me out of this miserable state of being and , yea, sure, I know bad stuff will happen, but I need some GOOD stuff, like one more client to make better money so I am not so tight...ease up on the back spasms so I can have a decent quality of life......give me my BIRTHRIGHT to a livable life where I have good health (physical and mental) enough money to take good care of me, healthy love in my life, and healthy self expression....
I told HP, if he/she would heal my horrid circumstances, I would make the commitment to REALLY give myself to step 3...to give over my life and my will and my ego, et al to my HP of my understanding....The HP that is the source of all things loving, abundant, healing, etc., I am READY to commit and I am DOING the step....
Do I have doubts and fears??? SURE!!! But I'll do it anyway!!!
HP can work wtih willingness...and Booooy am I willing....and I KNOW, my HP can work with a willing heart..........we ACA'rs have trust issues...Mine are reeeel deep, but I am willing....OHHHH I am WILLING to cast my burdens and stop trying to fight life on my power and my way....YES!!! HP helps those who help themselves...DO all I can...Step 3 it after that...leave the outcome and the "Big stuff" to the BIG HP of the universe...
Maybe by doing this final (making my peace with an reconciling with step 3) ,commitment to the step that I've sorta avoided all these years, Life can be better and I can have more positiveness and the good will come, too...
Life will never be a rose garden, but it doesn't have to be the firestorm that it has been for me, all of my life, practically...ITS TIME!!! TIME to let HP do the "big stuff" , to work the outcome that is best for me....
((Rose)) I do hear you and can relate. Please remember that these difficult times do provide us with the ability to face life with courage, wisdom and determination. I have had practice in developing each and am grateful for the lessons. The C2c reading for today speaks about the silk worm as an example.
. The good has finally surfaced in my life and how "sweet it is". Please DO NOT Give up before the miracle.
Such a powerful, honest share! An important one though. I saw it as you finally dropping the baton and truly handing your life to the God of your understanding.
I will ask my HP (The Goddess in my life) to speak with your HP about sending you some positive outcomes!
I am sure I will not be the only one who will keep you in their nightly discussions with their HP's!!
You have the WILLINGNESS... now ALLOW the good things to flow to you!!
Namaste!
("The Light & Divine in me, salutes the Light & Divine in you")
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((((Rose))))).Very expressive seemingly like the rants I use to do that were warnings to others..."Stand back!! Don't get near!!". What I hated the most was the feelings of it that took away my peace of mind and serenity which I had been promised from the program. I am very not a good person when life seemingly wasn't going my way which included being dangerous to others. My thinking and awareness was incomplete. I was wanting the roses and forgetting until one evening meeting that Roses Have Thorns also and then I relaxed into knowing that my acceptances must be for the entire picture and if and when I could/would do that I would arrive at peace of mind and serenity which is really all I wanted. Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems. Stay willing and thank you for this post. ((((hugs))))
Had a great chat with my doctor today...my annual health visit...
she asked me about mamograms, colonoscopys , et al and I looked at her in the eyes and said I was doing NO MORE TESTS...blood work?? fine but NO MORE TESTS
I told her my reason why was that if there is "something", #1, I don't want to know because #2, I am not going to treat it....I asked her what was the point in purchasing more hardship and more lonliness, more ongoing dealing with mental health issues when I can just let it go and be gone???
She totally understood my position...I told her unless HP has a stone beautiful miracle for me, part of my surrendering was to let go fighting for a life that has at best, coping, at worst unbarable and just not worth it
She said she totally 100% understood, given my history and on going life impact that has had and the hardship and all..She said to me, "just try and live healthy and I will keep you comfortable if something happens"
She was great to me..the nurse hugged me...It was a good visit...I made this decision a while ago and I stand to it..
I'll take good care of me, just in case God has a turn around for me that makes life worth while, I will exercise, eat healthy, rest property, all that because it is the right thing to do...AND life COULD turn around...but miracles are not an obligation by the source..and it would take a miracle for me to change my mind about this
I left outta there feeling at peace...Right now, I am gonna do what I can do to take care of me but NO treatment if something arises...
She will just keep me comfortable ...I'm not givng up per se because I will continue to take good care of me, but not gonna do all this testing anymore because if they found something, I will let it go...so why take the tests?? I would rather not know since I made this decision..
Thank you (((Betty))) and (((Jerry))) for your kind and supportive remarks...yea, I'm ready for what God and nature has planned for me...Just gonna do what is right...Step 3 the rest.......I feel at peace as I am making my peace with me...My HP....Anyone I can think of , still, that I have not done step 9 with..........I'm so glad I can come on here and be my real self....
We each have our life to live, AS WE SEE FIT. I really liked your doctor's response... compassionate and understanding. Keep doing you!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
hey ((((PnP))))) I just decided that I no longer want to fight to extend a life of hardship and dealing with mental issues.....I decided to just LET GO!!!! what will be will be...No more tests because I won't do anything re: treatment, so why do it??? my Doctor was great about it...sad that I felt that way, but 100% understood and said she would keep me comfortable.......I feel at peace, deciding to let go...of everything..give it to HP...thanks you for your always loving support of me....I so appreciate you
Rose, you are so welcome, and thank you... it always feels great to know you are appreciated! We've talked about this privately, so you know of my support. I am joyful that you are finding such peace over this, but know that I learn something... that for me there is always some "takeaway" from the posts you share. So the appreciation flows both ways!
How is your ol' lab today?
Hope you enjoy the weekend... Spring is almost here!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
For me willingness is also about my will. When has my will worked? What I want, me "forcing" my will, when has that gone well? I love how people say they let go, are not forcing their will, have detached, whatever...but they haven't. I love it because there is still hope...hope for them to get better. That's why we -- why this program teaches us -- focus on ourselves!!! Acceptance, surrender, and letting go. Once people start doing the work...they will get better.
We see it here, in people who posts on these boards...it becomes about their will, their way, being heard, going on record, about being right, and so on and so on...and it's about them wanting what they want.
Excellent post and topic...thanks Rose!
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 11th of March 2019 11:10:38 AM
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 11th of March 2019 11:11:46 AM
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
"focus on ourselves!!! Acceptance, surrender, and letting go."
Bo, that is it in a nutshell!!! I accept where I am at now and it is not a good place, (circumstantially) but it is where I am at now...what can i do?? fight it or accept and give it non resistance.....the letting go , really letting go I have to do over because the tendency to take it back is there, but nowhere near as bad as I thought...I have really let go.....I got my blood tests back and i didn't bother to look until 2 days later...all was good...Okaaaay!!! I was OK no matter what they said....I'll do the basics re: self care but thats it!!! Big Pharma is gonna hate me because i will not to any treatments if something (illness) comes at me...I am making my peace with me and my HP
and its funny!!!! Now that I've made the decision to ("no health tests and or any treatments for illnesses, etc") do the letting go..Really letting it go, I am treating me better...i am slowing down...paying attention better...not as angry...talking with HP more......
When the job folds, i'll either find another job and be able to support me or I won't find another job and won't be able to support me...I'm LETTING IT ALL GO!!!! I am absolutely done with this fight to survive, I'm tired!! Done with the struggle......what will be will be....HP will either take me back to the other side, or will intervene here....Its all OK
