The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I told him on Saturday, I cant do this anymore, Im done, now, hes acting like this is my fault...damn... the problem is, I still love him with every fiber of my being, help
You have hit your rock bottom. And now it's his job to get you back in, to get you to do what he wants, to blame you. That's what alcoholics do -- denial, deflection, blame, etc.
This is the disease -- his and yours!
Go to a meeting, get a sponsor, start doing the work. This, right here, is where you can get better. Keep coming back.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I was "there" too. I had hit MY rock-bottom, gave an ultimatum, then finally left. It was always my fault until he entered Recovery. After about 6 months of his inpatient, I started to hear from him that it wasn't my fault at all. I think it took that long for his brain to clear the chemical, heal the changes it created, and then accept his part in HIS disease. For him, inpatient lasted a year. Solid recovery is not a 30 day thing, IMHO, b/c there is usually an underlying reason for the self-medicating.
The others above are correct... you will need support and strength for all the Denial, Deflection and Gas-Lighting that will come your way!
Since you still "Love him with every fiber of your being," there is still Hope (for the marriage)... but only if he seeks and embraces Recovery. His recovery is entirely up to him! Remember to concentrate on ACTIONS NOT WORDS from him. Something to always keep in mind (maybe even write it on a card & keep it in your pocket) - You did not Cause it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it - the three C's.
You will need your support as well, as this is truly a disease that affects the family.
Sending you cyber support! ((((((helovesitmore)))))
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I often think I love other people too much. Or at least I thought that before alanon. Loving someone else more than you love yourself is at the crux of our malady in alanon I think. Alcoholics blame and are needy and they are like vampires that feed off of knowing you care the way you do. They are not evil, not bad people, but they do subconsciously bank on you having those traits and they exploit them (on purpose and not on purpose sometimes). That is the nature of THEIR disease. So, in a nutshell, I can say alanon helped me realize I had a duty to love myself more than others (nobody else will do that for me and it's not conceited to love yourself more than others - or at least as much). Everyone always said "you can't love others until you love yourself." I wanted to punch them when they said that because that way of thinking eluded me for so long and I really did love my prior partners that were alcoholic. I just didn't love them in the healthiest way. Take care of you.
I have a friend going through this right now -- he wants to leave, but he doesn't want to. He knows he has to leave, but he's having trouble doing so. He wants to leave, but he can't, then he can, because he knows he must, but he can't...and so on and so on.
He called me last night crying. He finally said..."I wish I could get off the friggn' drug!!! I love her, but I am addicted to her!!! She, the relationship, every text message, every piece of attention I get from her, every single thing, I crave for, am addicted to the attention, the "I Love You" messages, minute to minute, her, me, us, whatever I want it to be, all of it!!! I am addicted!!! Bo, buddy, how do I get off the drug! How do I get clean and sober!!!"
Rock bottom...I hope.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
helovesitmore - welcome to MIP....so glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share. Denial and deflection are huge elements of the disease of alcoholism, which is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. I too encourage you to be gentle with yourself and seek out local Al-Anon meetings. There you will find support from others who have similar experiences. They will welcome you, and share with you their experience, strength and hope. It may sound frightening - I was scared to attend - but am glad that I did.
Please know you are not alone and we hope you keep coming back!
Heather S - welcome also to MIP!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Helovesitmore...So much real value in how you have been responded to. This is real and we know that we know it is real because we have also gone thru the insanity of addiction...the compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body.
The statements about self love are real also and necessary and when I learned to do that I learned a very short in letters sentence that I could and would say when the disease invited me to participate...Two letters and a whole sentence...No or at times NO!!
I learned that she and I/WE were sick from a compulsive addiction to the disease; a mind and mood altering disease which can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence. I had to learn the abstinence first while she continued to practice it. As she did I practiced NO with myself and let her go or as we learn in recovery,...turned her over to my Higher Power. I needed a Higher Power because I didn't have the power or strength in myself to attain and keep any peace of mind and serenity. I learned it wasn't loved that kept me clutching but addiction to something and someone I thought would bring me happiness in spite of the reality that there was none available from her and her addictions. When I learned that she wasn't responsible for my peace of mind and serenity and that it was my responsibility I realized I no longer needed her...I loved her and didn't need her.
You can end it anytime in many many ways most of which are in this post with its replies. Stick around and reread the suggestions and take a stab at some of them for yourself. For me since I didn't have a clue about the disease or how to help myself I learned to ask for help from others who came before me and were having successes I found very healthy and then I started. This is my anniversary year and have a life I wouldn't give away for anything. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Monday 25th of February 2019 02:16:24 PM
It's the band-aid syndrome....and it's about everything that is going on, the love, hate, drama, chaos, turmoil, havoc, and more...so it's consuming.
My dad told me this...
The pain you go through today...is infinitely and exponentially less than the pain you will go through 6 months from now, or one year from now...as well as the pain you will go through getting to 6 months or one year from now...
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
...