The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm beginning to think that if I had to compare Al Anon to sports, it'd have to be a baseball game - but with the pitcher (my alcoholic \ addict loved one) ONLY throwing curve balls, and with each pitch (I'm in the batter's box) breaking a different way and almost impossible to hit ! I think I need to change my role in this "game", and get out of the batter's box and into the stands as a spectator !
SO today my adult son announced that he's leaving the safe, decent living arrangement he has with his Mother, he's leaving a decent job where he's been getting promoted and recognized for his good work, leaving a situation where he's been making better choices and staying healthy, and moving back where he lived when he experienced most of his alcohol \ addiction \ financial \ police \ homeless problems for the past 14 years - moving back to be with a girlfriend that's got significant depression \ mood swing \ personality disorder issues - moving to an area where he can't ever seem to afford a stable place to live - where he can't seem to manage the responsibilities of owning a car - yada, yada, yada. Then again, he always says that he misses his dog (being taken care of by the girlfriend), so I guess that's enough of a reason to throw away all of the progress that he's made.
Of course it's his life and they're his his choices to make, and of course I can't tell what his future is going to be like, but man oh man, it's so frustrating to see these folks throw away the progress they've made and revert to the bad old days for no good reason at all.
On the plus side (for me), I do feel a lot stronger now (at least for today) about not enabling him, going forward - not as any kind of a punishment or retribution for him moving, but because maybe I'm hoping that I'm stronger now, and hopefully, able to do what I always knew I should be doing - NOT enabling him.
I'm feeling - FINALLY - that it's time for me to surrender (I HATE THAT WORD) and recognize that he's gonna have to figure this all out for himself, and that NOTHING I've done or will do is going to make a difference in my son getting on a better path, and staying there.
More Al Anon meetings, more reading Al Anon literature, and more prayers for strength to do what I know I need to do.
This all sounds good, but I still feel like crap. I guess I'm a pretty strong person - and this disease has taken a long time to break me down.
(((Texas Yankee))) - sending tons of prayers and thoughts your way. I can so relate - my youngest is just not yet 'ready' to adult and his maturity level and impulse control really, really stuns me at times.
I love your self-awareness, acceptance and plan. You are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Texas.... good reminder post that we are truly "powerless" over other people, to be sure.
One thing - spoken from the words of the eternal optimist (me!). You don't "know" that this will be a bad thing for him and/or his recovery, nor do you "know" that he will relapse, lose his momentum, etc., etc.
Believe me - we have enough worries to consume us "if and when" the situation arises, and there will be ample opportunity for you to fret and worry, when there is actual stuff to fret & worry about!
It's amazing how easily we can dive into those dark places, and yet - the reality is that you are "anticipating" things going south for him.
Living in today is far more important, and your program of recovery can help you get back on track
Hugs
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hard to keep the focus on ourselves when we love our family members and want good things for them. Wishing you the best as you work through these feelings with the tools of the program. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hello Texas Yankee. I can so relate to your concerns. My adult AD is contemplating leaving our area because she is tired of winters. I get that. However, she also is finally in a good living situation, has a great job with a great boss. This was not always the case and although I know she needs to follow her own journey....I cringe at the thought of her starting over elsewhere. She has not made the best, healthiest decisions for herself and tends to pick partners that are not kind to her. So far, I have not expressed my fears because I know it will only alienate her AND I do not have a crystal ball. Even if she should go backward....that is her journey and her learning experiences and not in my control!
I so, so, so hear you and feel your pain and worry. Thank goodness we have our alanon families, tools and accumulated growth in the program. I am sending prayers to you and your son!
Tex Yank thanks for the post. It is a very good one for me confirming what I learned in Al-Anon recovery. My then sponsor worked diligently in teaching me "the opposites" of the negative feelings I use to cover myself with daily. "If you learn the opposites you get the opposites (feelings of course)" and so I started learning. I hated feeling fear so he put me on the trail of feeling love. When I learned how to feel love for my alcoholic/addicts the fear went away cause I learned I wouldn't/couldn't feel fear when I truly felt love and the opposite was also true. I rather love than fear. Thanks again for the post and echo of my recovery past. ((((Hugs))))
Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other person for exactly who they are.
