question my decisions - Al-Anon Family Group

snt · Member

question my decisions

toto12 · Veteran Member

Dear snt,

Wow, you've been through a lot of rejection. Now i understand why the rec. is there that a sponsor be of the same sex. Never been in your shoes, but do know disloyalty. I have to admit it, i dislike it, but at same time i strangely enjoyed pain, even sought suffering, i discovered in alanon.

A thought though: maybe hubby was just seeking intimacy-the wrong kind.

Keep coming!

best

toto

mebjk · Senior Member

Hello, snt,
It sounds natural to me for you to question your decisions after what you have been through. It also sounds as if you need some real solid program. Make sure you do that for yourself, to get the focus off of him and what he does or does not do, and onto you and what is real and right for you. There is a lot of drama in you "fighting for him," and drama is part of our disease.
Here is my experience, strength, and hope. Working the Program, working it, is what works. The 12 steps are miracles, if you work them. Find a good face to face meeting, and keep going back. Find someone there who has what you want - in terms of program and recovery - and ask that person to sponsor you. If they say no, don't take it personally - people who are really working the program will tell you what they can or cannot do, with honesty - and work the steps when you find someone. The Steps will change your life. They did mine, and for a lot of people here.
We are glad you are here. Your being here helps our Program, too. It works, if you work it!
Blessings,
kjbem

kspear · Veteran Member

((((snt))))

I'm so sorry you're going through all you are going through. Funny thing is, no one in here can tell you if you made the right decision or the wrong decision. It is YOUR decision. And different people in this "room" have made different decisions in similar situations, some for healthy reasons and some for less than healthy reasons. I had to face a similar situation - my AH was in an affair and I had to do what was right for me at that time.

The most important thing is, with a decision of this magnitude, it doesn't have to be made "today." That's the one thing I was continually asked, "Do you have to know the answer today?" Which of course bothered me because of course I wanted to know what the right thing to do was "today" because I like everything in order and limbo is so stinking hard to deal with sometimes. But the logical side of me recognized that I didn't need to know "today". I could sleep on it. I could pray about it. Etc... It took more than just a few "todays" to know what the right decision for me was at that time. But I've never had regrets or doubts since. Once I knew what was right for me in that particular situation, there was definitely a peace about it.

I've learned I've had to make a lot of "big" decisions over the past many years. I've done okay as long as I waited until I knew what the right answer is. It takes time to get some of the energy of the emotions out of the way. I can't always think most clearly and really have a hard time with trying to figure out God's will for me when the energy of the emotions is taking me on that wild rollercoaster ride. And with emotions like a sense of betrayal, love, anger, etc...there is a lot of energy. You will know what the right decision is when it is time to make it. In the meantime, status quo might be hard to deal with. Keep in touch with a sponsor or other folks in the program...talk, talk, talk and listen, listen, listen. Keep praying for a knowledge of God's will for you and the strength to carry it out....whatever that happens to be.

You are not alone!

Take care,

Karen (aka Frog_Lady)

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome snt! A book that I found very helpful in these situations is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. It tells us how to stick up for ourselves. My A moved out a year ago because he said he wasn't happy in our marriage. He swears he never was unfaithful but there was at the very least frequent emotional infidelity. Honestly living with him sober has been alot harder than when he was drinking. There is hope and Alanon gives us tools to help ourselves. Keep coming back.

In support,

Nancy

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

hi snt -- welcome. your post told me a lot about him. if you were confused by the end of it, (you have a lot going on in your life now) iI wonder if it will help you to write down for yourself your reaction to what's going on for you. Begin each sentence with "I" and set a limit how many times you will refer to "him" - every 2 inches, only every third sentence, something like that. You are the one who can benefit from the brainwork you're doing. Alanon teaches me to use "I" and to think about me. It's difficult, especially at first. My life opened up. I hope to see you here on the message board and online meetings when you can. --- Jill

aunitedway · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so happy to see you here on the message boards and making the meetings too! Super way to get es&h from fellow Alanoners. Your doing Great!! Keep looking uP! ((((BigBigHug))))

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Phone number is 1-888-425-2666

Alanon meetings 800-351-9996

Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666

Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· Set support system. people do not judge.You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Personally I think A's love triangles. They just set them up and set up them up. I always feel like the third arm with the A. He was always bringing people into our relationship and being far nicer to them that me. He may not have had a sexual relationship but A's are really famous for their buddies and putting someone on the pedastel and denigrating others. Then since they have abandonment issues running back when their relationships are in peril.

I left the A once went to stay in a motel. He promised all kinds of stuff when I was gone. He was carrying on in exactly the same way. Once I came back everything was exactly the same. I've learned not to ask for the impossible. Now I don't really do the stay/leave/ is it going to work dilemma I just keep working on me. I stay out of the stay/leave/what will I do stuff. I just keep on working on me and keep evaluating the results and keep making better choices. I leave the results to my HP. In theory I want a better way to leave, in practice I think the exit strategy can be hard going and I know it isn't an exit to have the kind of big blow outs, big break ups, pack the suitcases, move out, move back, remonstrate, crisis, look for him, hate him/love him stuff going on. That stuff took up tremendous amounts of energy, time and crisis which I am no longer willing to do. I am sure all those people who I called in crisis and turmoil are relieved I am for sure.

I set a lot of limits for me in the relationship now, stuff I won't deal with, people who can't come to the house. I also set limits on what kind of talk/behavior I will accept from the A. I never did that before. I choose not to show up for fights. I have a choice I never knew that before. I felt entirely powerless over his behavior not matter what it was.

Now the A has one year do you think he could find a sponsor, generally they are of the same sex. Do you think he can find a way to avoid this woman? I am certain he knows which meetings he goes to and when and what her circle is. Presumably you would want him to move out of that circle and establish another support system for himself. AA is such a small community it is very very difficult when relationships end. I once moved to be away from a man I met in a 12 step program. It seemed like everywhere I went people wanted to tell me about him or act out around him. All his friends asked me out. Of course I had absolutely no boundareis then, finding them has been such a lifeline for me. There is indeed a lot of acting out in the form of 13th stepping going on. Sometimes 13th stepping can work for people there are successful relationships in the program.

I do not know your husbands background you don't put that out there. I know in my family of origin, blurred, muddied boundaries were the norm. I had to really focus on what kind of boundaries I want and what kind of relationship I can have if I work on me and i do work on me every day not on him and his issues and what he is doing, or not doing or might be doing, just me and my issues. I had no idea before the idea I had was some kind of fantasy which the A of course played right into when I first met him. He could read me like a book. I used to let him write that book on how I felt now I don't.

Now I think trying to negotiate boundaries, mutual goals and parallel lives is a tall order. I am not sure that it is possible with an active A. Neither do I think it is possible with a controlling acting out codependent so for my part (as I am only one part of a relationship) I am working on my issues, control, fear (I live, eat sleep fear), over reaction, under reaction, resentment and more. I know if I work on my issues that my life will become better. I know it already has. Needless to say I have a very long way to go.

I used to have the kind of sweet reconciliations you had with your husband at the meeting/ dance. I used to feel tremendously disappointed when the A would just go back to his same old behavior. Now I don't look to reconcile. I just look to have a calm quiet peaceful life without the promises of behavior he can't keep to. Somehow keeping things even is far far better for me than those radical ups and downs. I think personally those ups and downs were absolutely decimating for my self esteem. I'm no longer willing to set myself up in that way.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.