Naomippb - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you joined in! I am sending positive energy for both you and your husband as you both consider recovery and 12 Step programs. So sorry to hear that there is a shortage of meetings in your area and my personal philosophy is that any effort is better than no effort at all....so - I've been to good F2F meetings and I've been to others where I struggled to relate. The same applies to online meetings - I've been to good ones and others that were less healthy.

I don't believe that online meetings can replace the face to face fellowship and support one gets in recovery. I do believe they can support or enhance recovery greatly. Each of us is very different in what we need to heal/deal, what we relate and respond to so I encourage you to do and try anything suggested!! There is no right or wrong way to recover from the affects of this disease.

I hope you keep coming back - you are not alone!

Naomippb wrote:

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My husband is an alcoholic. He is currently in rehab for the second time. I really wanted to try alanon last time he was treatment and went to one of the two meetings in my town. I was the only person under the age of 70, so to say the least I was out of place and did not like the vibe. It was very monotone and I was really hoping to feel comfortable to some extent and make some connections. There is one other group in town, but the woman in group informed me that its all of them that go, its just at a different church and has a different name. My question is, will an online group be just as benifical as going to one?

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In my experience...no. While different people are different, there is a dynamic that you don't get online, that you get face to face...with anything!!! A meeting, a conversation, a discussion, whatever. 

I would suggest telephone meetings. Go to the Alanon World Services website. You will find comprehensive meeting resource information -- links to face to face meetings across the country, online meetings, and telephone meetings. Note that this is not an official, (WSO) conference approved alanon meeting. However, there are online meetings that are (WSO) conference approved. 

Also in my experience, try a face to face meeting -- in your case -- both of them, and try them several times. Meetings, with our without the same people, ebb and flow, ESPECIALLY when a newcomer arrives. Perhaps not on the first one though! Go, try it, again, and then again. Keep going back! After 6 meetings, if you don't like it...you are out six bucks! LOL.

Keep coming back.

Is an online meeting as good as a face to face one? no.
If you have no choice then yes, it's better than no meeting.
My first meeting, when I lived in a very small town, was 1 lady who was well past 70 and another lady who was getting close. I stuck it out. They knew stuff. They helped me a lot. Give them a chance chicka, alcoholism is a lot older than you or I. I bet those older ladies know stuff about being an al-anoner that you have never even thought of.

 

 

Aloha Naomi and again welcome to the board...the family of recovery.  I am grateful you checked in with your questions, concerns and experiences because it is right In line how I learned about this, our disease and how I approached and came to the understanding I now have which brought and continues to bring me to the two life forces (gems) I had lost completely before finally deciding to get in and stay in recovery...Al-Anon and AA.  Like others I am considered a "double" and got this way because I was also raised within the influences and confines of the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction.  My family of origin were practicing alcoholics and addicts before I was born and this disease is inheritable; you can find it in our dna.

I didn't know about alcoholism when I first arrived and didn't even know that I didn't' know.  In the culture I was born in the only indication of over drinking was "drunk" and it was disrespectful to use that word when a relative was drunk.  As a young person I got punished for saying it.  Drunk was a moral issue until I found the rooms of Al-Anon and listened to the definition of alcoholism before each meeting and learned and then accepted that alcoholism was a disease.  

I was married to an alcoholic/addict woman at that time and I coined her as a bitch not a sick person until I accepted the AMA (American Medical Association) of alcoholism that was read before each and every meeting.  My wife then became a sick person and I found such emotions and beliefs as empathy and understanding more much more valuable to my peace of mind and serenity which the program promised me I could have if I kept coming back with an open mind and the willingness to learn and understand as much as I was being given by the fellowship.  

I understand your concern about the differences between the elders and yourself and then I also understand that for the first 9years of my recovery I was "re-raised by the women of Al-Anon" because most often I was the only male in the room.  It was difficult for them and also for me because we had to learn new and different ways of learning and growing with each other.  "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" was an early motto and suggestion that kept me okay enough to "keep coming back".  I was never known for being whimpy and determination was part of my character...ask my alcoholic/addict and she will express gratitude that I came to the decision to leave the marriage before taking her life or more.  

I don't have on-line vs face to face prejudices as I know how I got my sanity, serenity and sobriety over the past 40 years.  I got it from each and every source I was directed to and each and every experience I shared along the way including college and professional experiences with various and many entities.  I don't suggest everyone take the risks I did because I understand that they are the ones I needed to take and leave after the decision to recover myself.  I have taken what I liked including also "the rest" I kept till later when I needed more.

I have had real miracles directly due to all of the experiences I have had with the program...young and old, women and men, alcoholic, addict and such.

My early sponsor suggested that "I find and use everything I could about this disease that would bring me to recovery".  Let me suggest that to you also.  "If you keep and open mind...you will find help"    Thanks for coming here and bringing this discussion.    (((((hugs))))) 

I started online and progressed to face to face. Both were and continue to be a benefit . There is certainly a greater sense of connectedness and belonging in the face to face but this board and these online meetings have been a godsend to me many times over. Ultimately, , it is not up to your husband, nor the counsellor, it is up to you. What fits bests for you, what you are able to do at the moment.
As others have mentioned, keep an open mind, I have been to many good and many not so good meetings but can honestly say that I have never felt worse after going to one no matter the format.
Good luck, and be gentle with your self in your own recovery.

Naomippb -

Like Serenity47 has already mentioned, you need no one's "permission" to get the help you need, the way you need it. Your hubby is getting his help, the way he sees fit, you are getting yours. Each person will attend to their own "side of the street." Your hubby probably won't tell you this, but that is exactly what a sponsor will tell their sponsee. Focus on yourself, b/c it is the only thing you can control and change!

Now, that's not saying that juggling all that you will have to juggle (home, bills, kids, etc) is not an accurate statement. That is your reality. However, YOU are choosing how you want to heal... not your spouse, nor his sponsor. FYI, a sponsor will never tell their sponsee that this or that is "real" or "valid," when it comes to another's path to healing... they will redirect them to focus on their own healing! So please take what your spouse says with a grain of salt. There really is no need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain). Just tell him you are working on YOU, and are managing the home front just fine.

Just like with your spouse, the Recovery is seen through actions - how you handle things moving forward - not with words.

Wishing you a little peace this week, and a whole lot of strength!

Excellent comments and insight here. I like the point that online is a supplement to face to face. If there are no face to face meetings, than online and telephone is all you have. In my experience, I would rate telephone better than online.

Thanks.