The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We had a newbie...1st meeting...sitting and listening and when it was my time to share I welcomed her and in the process offered the groups support including the other women in the group. The reaction of one old timer was resistance, telling me to stop and not say the women of the group might be available for support. I know what I was saying and why I was saying it; not naming names or such. The telephone list was passed around so those women expressed availability. I wasn't so put off by how she resisted but that she resisted at first to a sister in need. Did I take it personally? marginally. It is what it is and I must only look at my side of the issue with my HP getting input...more to come. Was I trying to fix? Offering support can at times help to fix a problem in this case a person who is having trouble with a life threatening disease.
I have turned it over to my HP and am keeping my mind, ears and heart open to more ESH.
I believe FEAR is involved so I will use the opposite of fear...LOVE.
(((Jerry))) - I missed my meeting due to wickedly slick weathered roads...I was bummed a bit and, like you, trusted HP for what would come next. Needless to say, the disease is alive and well in my house, so I will make it tomorrow even if I need to call for a ride!
Your share reminds me what I've heard a thousand or maybe more times - when I am troubled by the words or actions of another, I really, really need to look at me and see what inside me is 'off' to allow another to 'bother' me in that manner. When I was new, there were meetings I avoided as I dread controlling people. Of course, I dreaded them as I was one of them, so I did what is suggested and have worked on it and it still rises up once in a while, but I recognize it for what it is.
I have always, always loved this --- (from AA Big Book, pp 417)
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed,
It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation --
Some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me,
And I can find no serenity until I accept
That person, place, thing, or situation
As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
Unless I accept life completely on life's terms,
I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
On what needs to be changed in the world
As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
And the Al-Anon version (borrowed from AA)
Is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed, it is because I find
some person, place, thing, or situation some
fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can
find no serenity until I accept that person,
place, thing, or situation as being exactly the
way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in Gods
world by mistake; unless I accept life
completely on lifes terms, I cannot be
happy. I need to concentrate not so much
on what needs to be changed in the world
as on what needs to be changed in me and
my attitudes.
I must always remember:
Life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I choose to react to life. With a more positive attitude, my life will get better and better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hear you brother and applaud your plan to look within and to HP for acceptance and courage! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Jerry, I don't think you did anything "wrong" as the word may be used. I also think you did everything "right" (again, as the word may be used). Contrary to what some people say about always look at yourself, when someone does something that bothers you, look at what is inside you, your role, and so forth. Personally, in my work, both professionally and personally, in a case like yours...I saw that is BS. While we know what alanon is about...it is also about...giving back, being there for others, carrying the message to others, practicing these principles in all our affairs, and so on and so on and so on. And that's critical. Someone was there for you. You were there for someone.
As far as the other person and the resistance, telling you to stop, etc. -- it doesn't matter why. It's none of anyone's business, but their own. You do the right thing independent of someone else's actions.
I admire and respect what you did...and there is no need to question it, doubt it, look at you, etc. Not in this case. If what the other person did bothered you...it's supposed to!!! That happens, and in this case, it should have happened. You did right, they did wrong, and you were bothered as someone in need might not have gotten help. Good for you!!!
Sometimes people are too rigid in their program. They become fanatical. They can't "control" things at home, so they come to alanon and want to control things there. We've all seen it. We've seen it here, LOL.
Thanks for standing in the truth, helping a newcomer, and "doing the right thing" -- all the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thanks for the feedback from both of you and I appreciate the echos they bring from the past. Of course I have no power over if it came or when it came or who brought it out I know that most of the resistance on my part or reaction on my part came from the fact that it was said in front of a new comer and while I cannot predict certain outcomes I know from history that drinking again or relapse is a close one. My own assessment reviewed by the assessment staff of the rehab I worked within came back that if the person who did the assessment drank again they would die. I won't project further except to turn it all over including my part and these consequences.
I will keep your feedback in mind and to heart. ((((Hugs))))
This reminds me of my first ever Al Anon meeting which was delayed when someone from outside the meeting caused a ruckus.
Lots of people apologised to me, pointing out that this was not how most meetings were held but with hindsight I realise that I learnt so much from seeing how some people maintained their serenity and were still able to laugh and enjoy themselves, regardless.
It was exactly what I needed to see at the time. Everything happens for a reason and perhaps there was a much needed lesson for a new member in your morning meeting as well.
The humbling nature of our fellowship is spiritual magic for me Milkwood. I have always been inspired by it to continue to let go and let God and not complain when others forget or do not know. (((hugs)))
Jerry, what did she tell you when you asked her? when mind does its guesswork, it may not even be TRUE.
Personally, I do what she did when I feel someone is attempting to speak for ME and I have not asked them.
I can remember I had the reverse situation happen, where someone was asking me to speak on behalf of all my siblings. I refused which frustrated her because she wanted all of us to attend, but only I did.
I suppose the we program that people talk about is tricky. In early recovery, it was nice for me to know I was not alone, that others had gone before me... and knowing the "we" used in the 12 steps told me the authors had success ...
Yet I am very grateful to a member in my group who constantly emphasizes in her shares,
"Because this is a "spiritual" program, it means the "we" is none other than "me and the Higher Power" that is the real "we program" she says.
That idea took the whole thing to a deeper level for me because I am still powerless powerless powerless over others, even in a "we" fellowship. And the wisdom of powerlessness is meant to liberate ME.
(((peace))) to you and all members of your morning meeting
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 18th of February 2019 02:47:19 PM
A good reminder that we are "in control" of very few things, outside of our own actions, thoughts, behaviors, and environment.
The world is full of imperfect people. AA is full of imperfect people. Al-Anon is full of imperfect people. Hell, even MIP is full of imperfect people.
You spoke from your own ESH, and know it to be true, and you know (and checked) your own motives. All good.
Like you, me, and the rest of us - the member who got her back up re: your offer, is another Miracle in Progress, and perhaps having a crappy day, or perhaps not quite ready yet, in her own recovery, to see your kindness for what it was...
Hugs
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks Tom you see it for what it is and was. She had a reaction which helped me deal with not having one of my own other than speaking of it to get feedback and to take it to my HP. Imperfect people...I own that too. (((Hugs)))
