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for those of you who are with a's in early sobriety, what do you do when they are craving or they are slipping. i know we cant stop it in any way from occuring but how do you be supportive in these situations? how do you help them through the cravings when they want you there? im speaking of both drugs and alchohol. just want to know how we handle these situations differently. thank you to those who reply :)
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
My A calls himself a chronic relapser and a numb drunk. Supporting them is hard. He brings home vodka and hides it. He doesn't drink the whole thing anymore, so that's progress, I guess. I have asked him not to hide the bottle, just leave it out. Because for me coming across the bottles, drives me crazy, especially because I don't look for them. But he's an addict, and that's not going to happen.
Our wise Abby has reminded us to stay out of their recovery. Go back and read her post on "Are you ready for their sobriety?" It's brilliant. I am trying desperately to stay out of his. But I get so frustrated at times that I want to scream. AAARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!
I let him talk when he wants to talk. Sometimes I will push his buttons because I know he needs to get it out. Other times, I try and leave him alone, so that he can work it out for himself. He often says to me that he wishes I could be his sponsor, because I kick him the you-know-what when he needs that. That on my days off I help keep him calm. Okay, that's not a bad thing. However, being his sponsor is a recipe for disaster. It's not my place to be his sponsor, no my responsibility to find one for him either. There's a fine line between being supportive of him, and emotionally enabling him . I am trying not to cross that line. I'm glad he can lean on me, but he also needs to be able to deal with these emotions on his own. I can't be there to hold his hand and babysit him 24/7/365. I love him dearly, but he's an adult and has choices to make and is responsible for them.
I just have to try and stay focused on my program, and be good to me. It's the only way I am going to stay slightly sane in all of this.
Love and blessings to you and yours.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
"I love you, this must be hard, is there anything I can do to take your mind off it (nudge nudge wink wink)." Aside from that, this is not your problem. Have you ever quit smoking or been on a strict diet? Anything that you would have found helpful at such a time is appropriate, andything much more is getting your nose much too deep into his recovery. Your business is YOUR recovery, not his.
When I attended my ex's first treatment center, we spent some time with a counsellor, writing out a recovery plan, for ourselves, and we included what each of us wanted from the other, in times of relapse, or when we are feeling anxious about relapse. This obviously can only work if you do it at a time when both are receptive to the idea, but it can put some "structure" to what both of you would prefer your actions to be, in order to be supportive, etc...
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Honeslty the most important thing we can do during their times of craving is to pray. Aside from that whenever my A is trying to stay clean and he tells me he's having a hard day of it.....I suggest we all go and do something as a family. Even if it's just a ride to the beach with the kids. Anything to help get his mind off that and onto something positive. I've found with my A that when he has too much time on his hands with nothing to do it's the hardest for him. Keeping busy is the key.
I know it's very tempting to do everything in our power to *help* them in their goal to stay clean. Just keep in mind it's not our responsibility to keep them clean, it's theirs.
I found with me that when I would get too involved with *helping* him not to use that when he did pick up I would feel responsible in some way. As if I hadn't done enough, or perhaps I should have done ________(fill in the blank)
After so many times of my A attempting to stay clean and failing, I finally asked him........what if anything can I do to help? I didn't know if commenting on how good he was doing was helping or hurting. I was afraid if he wasn't even thinking of using at that moment and I made such a comment, it might just put the thought in his head. On the other hand I worried that if he was making such a huge effort not to use and succeeding, that if I didn't make some positive comment he would feel I didn't care. It really can be such a tough position to be in. He said he did appreciate my positive comments and that they helped. He also asked that I be patient with his moodiness in the very early days of not using. So, I do both of those things along with a whole lot of prayer and other than that I just go about my normal business.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
