The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I read the first line of todays reading and thought: this is about me! The writer describes two roles he/she played in the family growing up: caretaker and fixer. Some of the details are different, in that the writer often had to care for his/her mother, and that definitely was not the case for me. For me, being the youngest in a big family, once my siblings were having children, although I was growing up with these nieces and nephews I was often in the position to care for them. Looking back I realize I had more responsibility than a young child should.
The other phrase that jumped out at me was: I was an over-vigilant child, constantly on guard.... That is a description of me and I carried that part well into adulthood; in all honestly I still check myself about carrying around wariness into every situation I step into! It has taken me some time to figure out that my level of unease doesnt affect a positive or negative outcome in any given scenario.
I had trouble detaching and when I first came to the program was even angry about detaching with love. I stubbornly knew they must be mutually exclusive! Over time, just like the writer, i began to understand that detaching, not embedding myself in others business, was actually the most loving thing I could do for myself and others. I appreciate the last sentence from the Thought for the day that suggests doing what I can to feel good and allowing others to take what they like and leave the rest
Hello Mary Great reminder, detaching and taking care of myself while allowing others the dignity o do likewise was a foreign concept to me prior to alanon. . I, like yourself was a caretaker and fixer . It never occurred to me that doing for others what they could do for themselves was an intrusion. So grateful to alanon for providing the tools that permitted me to grow and change.
Thanks for your continued service
Good morning MIP. Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. My mom was a huge worrier, and attacher! She really carried the weight on everybody's world on her shoulders. I picked up much of 'this' as I thought it was what adulting and maturing was all about. Add to her styling that she and my dad were perfectionists and there is no doubt that I was always on-guard, anxious and seeking affirmation, esteem, love and more in all the wrong ways/places.
I too am grateful for Al-Anon and how it shows us to prioritize and take care of self first and foremost. We are better able to be of service when called upon instead of attaching when we are spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically centered/well. It was so foreign to me in the beginning to consider myself and my needs first as that was opposite of what I had done forever. Yet, practicing as suggested, self-care and detaching when it was not my business helped me find the value and so much more calm in my life/spirit.
I am, as always, grateful that progress is success vs. perfection. I lived a huge chunk of my life striving for perfection and while I still always do my best, I leave the outcomes to God for 'grading'.
Happy Sunday all - we've got ice falling and forming again - so I am back to hibernating! Be safe to all in the path of this newest storm! Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I was minding other people's business. This was my expectation growing up- not of my making. Not having business of my own. Learning to lead my own life was deceptively a very easy simple thing to do- but getting to that point took a whole heap of help!
I got into a programme which was more like a workshop than a self-help group. I had always needed professional help- but had to wait for things to catch up! For some, like me- it is not available for economic and geographical reasons.
The family was really badly threatened when I abandoned my old role as rescuer. I was a mug, and was used; looking through my own windscreen!
it seems to have taken a lifetime! But it has been worth it- it truly has... ...
So nice to see your smiling face, Mary! Thank you for your service!
I was not the caretaker in my family. But the reading regarding being ever vigilant struck a chord with me. That was/is me. I am still not sure why. I thought I had almost an idyllic childhood. But something is there, b/c I still live with the strong need to be ever-wary. For me to trust is huge. Just like you, Mary, I am working at understanding that just because I have a certain level of distrust in a situation, it does not automatically mean that I am in a situation that I need to flee. All connected to keeping an open mind. And of course there is that need for perfectionism in me.
I laughed out loud at IAH's thought that she will leave the "grading" of her progress to God. That has got to be a new slogan... if not, I will make it mine: "God is my Grader!" LOL!
We had a break in the rains yesterday, so I spent the day weeding in the soft soil, and planting some plants that will bring me Spring blooms! It felt so good to ground with the soil. I just wish it was warmer so I could get my feet in it! I was happy with my results! Rain is due back today, so everything I planted will get a nice drink!
For those in areas were there is freezing, stay safe and warm!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I don't know if I was a "fixer" but I was very aware and I suppose a caretaker to my mom's many mood swings. I therefore became ultra-sensitive to everyone's moods and I could "read a room" like a psychic! I was never able to relax....always deciphering the atmospheric pressure of those around me. I can only give alanon credit for giving me the tools necessary to let go and worry about how I AM FEELING in any given situation. It is a relief to hand back people's emotions and although I will still get sucked in sometimes.....I can shake it much quicker than before.
Thanks Mary, Betty, and Iam...
