The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading in Courage to Change is about a piece of advice that many new members hear when they start the program. Rather than being told to "throw the bum out," today's author was met with the advice to make no major changes or decisions for the first 6 months of coming to AlAnon. While the author was initially dismayed, after working the program for 6 months, their thinking had changed dramatically, and they were grateful to have waited.
After 6 months in the program, the author wasn't sure what to do about their relationship. A voice inside suggested waiting and continuing to recover, but the author ignored this voice and forced a solution - walking out of the relationship. This decision was immediately met with guilt and self-doubt. The author realized that they had made a major decision too soon. Only with more time was the author able to come to a decision that they knew they could live with.
Today's Reminder: When my thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, I probably won't get the results I seek. As the saying goes, "When in doubt, don't"
Today's Quote: "Guide me in all I do to remember that waiting is the answer to some of my prayers." As We Understood...
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I remember when I first walked into my Alanon program. I heard the same advice, and it was a major relief to me. Wait, make no major changes or decisions for 6 months. I walked into the program thinking that it would force me to make a choice, and I didn't feel ready to make a choice, but I did know that I needed something different in my life. The suggestion of waiting 6 months bought me some time that I needed to recover myself. After this point, I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do about my relationship. An old-timer suggested that I just make a decision for today, and my decision could be" today, I decide to stay / today I decide to go / today I decide that I'm not ready to decide yet." This approach is the one I have been using for the past several years. I don't feel trapped in my relationship, because I haven't decided to stay. I don't feel forced to make a major decision, because I haven't decided to go. I have, each day, decided that just for today, I'm not ready to make a decision yet. For me, this allows me to appreciate my wife for who she is and what she can give our relationship today without putting pressure on her to change.
I hope your day is going well!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily! I recall hearing the When in Doubt, Don't well before I heard that we should work on recovery for a while before making major decisions/life decisions. I thought that was such a novel concept (to me) as I had lived in the professional world as an executive for a long while and was expected to make great decisions with facts on hand in a speedy amount of time! More often than not, the 'Don't' would have halted business and I really only put things on hold if/when the data/facts supported it - beyond that....risk taker and full speed ahead.
I applied this 'model' to my home/life/relationships too. I tended to make snap/rash decisions and then didn't always feel at ease about them - more often than not, they were reactive, selfish and self-serving. Taking time to pause and seek support from HP and trusted program people has served me quite well. I also saw other executives who paused way more than I in the business arena and at the time, I thought them indecisive. As I look back, I can see they were actually more mature than I and their style worked well!
I am grateful today that I see shades of gray as I look at people, places and things. Exploring my motives and expectations helps me to see that I am often shopping for bread in the hardware store and need to regroup and realign. Today I always pause and pray before I proceed and if I have any doubt/discomfort, I don't. 99% of the decisions I face today can be put on hold until I am ready and for that I am grateful.
Happy Hump Day - Cold, Icy and Slick here....hibernating is a gift!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Skorpi Thanks for the reminder I was so pleased that alanon did not tell me to "Throe him out" as all my friends were advising this action. Alanon provided me with tools to live my life with dignity, lov,e and compassion for all and i am ever so grateful Thanks for your continued service
Hey Skorpi, great share and thanks for daily...yep...I walked into my first Al-anon meet and I, too, was told to "End all relationships with the active alkies" DUMP em!!! they said.. I knew that meet was not for me....so I went to others and THEY said to me "Don't do anything drastic till you've been here 6 months" the only exception was "leave NOW if physical violence or other dangerous behavior is involved" well this was not the case for me...I HAD ended my relationship with my Ex AH #2 and I don't regret it but the oldest daughter, I waited...6 months THEN told her what changes i was going to make to take care of me...nothing against her, but from NOW on, I am taking care of MY right to peace, MY right to serenity, MY right to NOT be around active users and drinkers...I did the same thing with the brothers...yea, they got angry at first, but after 6 months in recovery, I was learning that my first priority was taking care of me..yes, encourage and support others, but don't absorb their responsibilities...let them write their own life song and if it is not healthy for me?? then distance myself...its great to know that under 95% or so circumstances, I CAN wait, I CAN pause, I CAN research, ask other recovery mates, etc., I can WAIT
