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So, I guess my X actually did have a come to Jesus moment because come to find out he had 2 incidents at home and then another one in the ER at that point he flat lined.
The kids talked to him last Wednesday and basically my oldest made the statement that ok mom, this is the first conversation I have ever had with dad where he wasn't weird. Nothing weird was said at the end or at the beginning of the conversation to make it awkward.
This is crazy stuff going on because I am trying to just take it as it comes however it's been a little humbling for me too after all he's not that much older than me and while we have not done the same damage to our bodies I did start eating better as well as the plan for exercise. Talk about a mortality check and it reminded me of my own necessity of making sure that there is a will in place for the kids and so on.
I am not sure who I am having conversations with at this point and I guess it doesn't matter at this point. I am in hold pattern. S/he was being commutative about support being late and then last week nothing .. that irritated me .. nothing new there because it's the issue of just going silent vs at least saying something .. I mean come on I am not unreasonable however .. I do have a right to know when you affect my income.
So we have been communicating off and on regarding the financial end of things, I did bring up his past medical history about 10 years ago when he was having the seizures at work and I mentioned the oldest in terms of their experience and this makes me want to insist that they go to the dr. I wonder what kind of stress that puts on a heart. My oldest already is prone to high blood pressure I think that is an anxiety issue for him.
I really tried to be decent .. isn't it sad I had to actually focus on trying to be nice .. lol .. geeze .. that's crazy to me as normally I am a decent human being or at least I try to be .. he really does call to the devil in me. At least none of the emails have been whiney, why did this happen and oh woe is me kind of stuff. You know his back surgery might have been a HUGE wake up call as to I seriously do not walk a line that I care a whole lot as to what his issues are .. I spent 7 years hearing that's not my issue .. ok my dude .. let me know how that's working for you. I don't think he's liked having that put back on him.
He is going back to work which I am so speculative of at this point, you know until he actually pulls his first check who knows. He mentioned this had been a long month and all I could think was what a way to start 2019 and no less his birthday!? I will admit .. I wanted to poke the bear and if I didn't think it would upend my relationship with my child I would have outted my kid however that's me being mean and there's no sense in that, and what I call a gotcha. So for now .. he's being decent and I ended the last email (we are not talking earth shattering emails back and forth, we are talking a few lines maybe 4 emails total) that was probably my longest .. by asking him to keep the line of communication open and to just let me know what was going on. It was the silence that is so unfair. I really appreciated the communication and it didn't need to be earth shattering or long, a line to just say this is what's going on. That was it really .. I mean I did the obligatory empathizing, again realize after everything this is big for me because I would not pee on him if he was on fire .. I still feel that way .. for my kids I am willing to sit down for a min and think about what I'm saying so this is progress for me. My karma is how I treat others .. his karma is how he treats others .. not my hula hoop however I will not be disrespected by him further. I think he's fully aware that I won't play with him and I won't play fair either.
So now I wait and see what the story is .. hmm .. anyway, he's currently a week late and I told him I understand however just keep me updated and we will go from there. I did ask about the marital settlement and that's what I'm waiting to hear about.
Go figure .. S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Wow! Just wow. I have to hand it to you... you are keeping great composure through all this! Good for you for not acting on your reaction of wanting to "out" your son just to spite his father. You knew that wouldn't get you anything positive. You have had a long history of him pushing those buttons, so it is good to not only hear about your progress, but that you recognize it too!
Financially, is there a plan in place should your Ex die? I mean, a legally binding one that can be upheld in court? I know it sounds callous, but he going back to work may or may not be great for him, and I know your first priority are your kids. Anything else you have zero control over, and I can tell you know that.
As it is always said here, 'More will be revealed.' I wish for you continued healing, and positive dealing when it comes to your Ex!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
In our divorce decree he is to carry both kids on a life insurance plan (until the age of 23 for both of them) boy is he going to be screwed if he has to get one on his own even term life .. I don't know how he's going to qualify and honestly NOT my problem. It is court documented and unless he reopens the case that is not going to change, just to reopen a case for HIM to bring it to court is 35k. CRAZY money however it is what it is.
He did finally send something back and he's so funny he's trying to say he's paying ahead and what I did was I listed out the payments, when he paid and what was paid weekly. What I did say is when everything settles in we will just wait and see what the State says in terms of payments. Honestly it's my benefit if he's late and I may just let it all ride. He's fully unaware that he is late from 2 years ago, .. it will be to my advantage to do so. I know .. I know .. always calculating. LOL .. however you know that's how I see it and again I offered the information what he chooses to do with it is up to him.
As far as the kids, they were going to call him last night and tried to however he said he could talk on Sunday not Wednesday as he already had plans. My blood boils at this statement however not my circus not my monkeys this is about HIS relationship with HIS kids and this is on HIM. So I kept my mouth shut however later rolled my eyes and made a comment to my boyfriend and said and so it begins. This is his EXACT behavior with the kids regarding phone calls every time they try he finds excuses not to talk to him. You know since I'm not meddling, mothering or smothering .. guess what .. guess he's going to have some splaining to do because this he is not going to be able to put back on ME. Oh he can try however I am sweeping my side of the street and leaving everything else alone. One thing I did say that I wish I hadn't (old habits die hard .. lol) I mentioned to my oldest please be careful with your heart, be open just please don't read to much into this. We had already been here and done that however the kids didn't see that because I was still caught in the crazy, this time .. hands off .. oldest is an adult and has to formulate a relationship, youngest doesn't remember so all I can do is be there for him.
The denial is HUGE .. when I asked him about his health he dismissed his "previous health issues" no mention of the drinking or drugs. LOL .. oookkk .. I will let that go and just keep moving forward regardless of what he does or doesn't do. I mean not even a nod to you know who knows maybe? At this point they don't see those being an issue. So I went with that's a clear message of not my business so ok fine .. let it be. He's not done yet based upon just that conversation so I can see him going back out .. might not be today or tomorrow .. it will come. It will take another personal crisis and he will be off to the races. Again just seen it to many times.
Soooo .. we'll see what his next response will be about things .. LOL .. I did love his response about paying me forward umm .. no dude .. I get a check every Friday .. you skipped a week .. and I was clear to say this is my understanding and let him work it out .. LOL. In no way am I indicating in writing that he's caught up, I just made the statement that once everything is set we will let the State sort things out.
Anyway .. all good in the hood for me and the kiddos.
Hugs :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
The HOPE of my recovery was never about a hope that I could get others to knuckle under.
I was challenged to LET GO and rely on HP alone. When I find myself still affected by him and his actions, I'm still hooked by insanity but I get free choice.
You are not the first, in fact, when I had to go back to court with my former AH, they told me that countless cases are about someone not following through with previous settlements! I didn't know. I thought our case was unique.
So my sponsor suggested that I "take the necessary action steps" and then let it go. Give it to God. She asked me,
"How would you think and act if you KNEW it's all going to be okay?? what would that look like? Do you trust God or don't you?"
She suggested that I start acting as if...."
I chime in to say that worked really well for me.
I believe your Higher Power loves you too (((hugs)))
My HOPE is that his recovery will heal his relationship with the kids. Honestly they all need that .. I don't want to see my children suffer because nothing has changed. It would be ideal if it does. I have spent 4 out of 5 years going back and forth in courts because he refused to let go. Me on the other hand .. I was taking a stand to say enough. That was a boundary and one that i spoke often with with my own sponsor. I don't need to be a doormat. Trust me .. it's always up to the judge .. I know this .. after 3 years just trying to get divorced and another 2 literally explaining you signed the financial agreement get over it. None of that I have control over .. someone else can explain. I have provided the information the rest is up to him. My sponsor often said i wish i knew you when i was dealing with the courts because her ex just beat her into the ground. A lot of the problem with the courts is they allow that bullying behavior from the ex and the ex's attorney. She walked away with nothing and paid for it until she passed away. We live in a world that screams if you can't afford kids don't have them .. don't take into account most single parents didn't sign up to be single parents. So .i'm not going to apologize for taking a stand when necessary. What I have learned is to look at the whole situation and decide where does this information need to come from in terms of arguing .. ...i'm over that. These are the facts this is what it is .. and someone else can deliver the news. If that works better for me so be it. :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Alcoholics are selfish and self-seeking to the extreme and I had to speak up too.
Gratefully, my sponsor was a saint. She encouraged me to do what I had to do. And then stop thinking thinking thinking about it and start practicing trust.
She also told me that whatever I wanted him to do, do it myself first. When I wished he had more recovery (which was often) I turned that wish onto myself and acted on it.
After I made the necessary legal calls and got everything rolling into the hands of "those who could deliver," as you say, I took up more meetings, phoned my sponsor, daily walks in nature (sometimes more than once)... in general, I dove into recovery to live and experience the serenity I claimed to desire.
Months later, some fellowship members began asking, "How did that court thing turn out anyway?"
I realized I had stopped talking about it and that felt like the best "win" of all.
Letting Go gave me what I truly wanted, not the outcome in court which was piddly in comparison.
No matter what you choose, I will continue to send you sincere wishes for a joyful, peaceful relationship with the One whose gifts are unlimited. that is what we deserve.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 8th of February 2019 12:27:05 PM
