The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
....You just might get it. LOL Here I sit in utter silence...and oh boy, this feels so strange and yet good all in the same time. The 2 older kids (21 and 23) have moved into their own apartment with grandson and 17 year old is staying there with them too. That leaves my two youngest at home (14 and 16). Hubby just went back out on the road yesterday, after having come home for a week to help out while I've been sooooooo sick. Ugh. I never want to be that sick again. It's a beautiful sunny day, 64 degrees, and I'm finally feeling back to me again. Yet, there are some changes. I sit here and wonder...now what do I do with myself? I spent yesterday catching up on the bills and cleaning off my desk. I think about slowly sorting thru things in the house - I mean, really, why do I keep all this crap I have? LOL Went to a counseling session this morning, talked about my childhood and growing up. Got asked that lovely question of "why do you stay?" hahaha Nice thing tho is that the counselor can see some good in our relationship. She can see that we both are trying to make things work...we just have a lot of issues to work out. heehee (Um yeah, thats why we're in counseling...) So I don't know when next session is, she left it open for me to decide if I want to come back in by myself or wait till hubby is home to come in with me.
So back to my "what do I do with myself" question. I just let everything go while I was sick (didn't have much of a choice in that), and I think that really showed me something. For one, it showed me that I don't have to "be in charge" all the time. The house is still standing, the animals survived, the kids found food and ate... and by golly, it felt good to do absolutely nothing, to have NO responsibility for a few weeks!! To just say "I don't know" rather than try to have the answers. Is that what true Letting Go and Letting God is? I don't know, but it felt good.
My sponsor has been telling me I should find a part time job at least. That it would make me feel better. I'm thinking about that. I still have my real estate classes to finish. Thinking I should focus on that for a while and start spending some time in the office to get familiar with procedures and such. I know I can't just sit at home all day anymore. I need to start doing something. Hey, I put makeup on today! Funny how a little thing like that can make you feel better. Now I'm all dressed up but with nowhere to go. hahahaha That can change tho. I can make it change. I need to start living instead of just existing.
Mom is kinda in the same mind frame as I am I think. She's been talking about what she should do... sell her house or not, etc. My brother lives with her, but he and his girlfriend are looking for their own home now. Mom doesn't want to be in that big ol house by herself. She was willing to let them have the house and she'd go elsewhere... but they don't want it. Egads! (I think they're nuts, but hey, their choice lol) I've been thinkin of talkin with mom about living with us. Maybe find another place that has a mom-in-law apartment so we all still have our own separate space. sigh....I don't know... things need to change some, just gotta figure out what is best.
Growing up can sure be strange....
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Growing up sure can be strange! Ahuh. Funny thing is.... before the s%^& hit the fan in my life I thought I was a grown up! Since coming into al-anon I have felt like a child again in so many ways. The best of these ways, has been the childlike wonder of learning new things. (Especially about things I already thought I knew! )
Don't have much else to say, except to say I am soooooo happy you are back from your "sickleave" and sharing with us!
Hey ((((((((((((Kissy))))))))))))))))) I am so glad you are doing better and you are BACK! I too was wondering where you were!!!! :)
As David said I thought I had grown up till I came in to Al-anon and i too feel like a child again learning "How to make "real lemonade" instead of letting the lemons rot cause i didn't know how to use them".....i still have kids at home and as i grow healthy i see them growing heathly too!!
Am actually begining to like being adult now and Blessed to have found all of you and this group!!!
Kis, so glad you are feeling better now. Hey, that I Don't Know is the bestest thing to say in the whole world!I tried it myself lately and just loved it.
Also, cleaning out household junk is cathartic. You are taking stock of your place in the scheme of things, and I am too. Another great learning experience. Kids, parents, all the same deal, huh?
Just for today I hope you feel good and in charge of yourself.
Really you don't have to anything just yet. Finish the course and just enjoy the solitude for now. Sometimes there is a flow on of events that happen around you when there is change. Keep your eyes open I bet there will be subtle hints along the way from a HP and unknowinglyly you will find your new direction. Maybe you will manage an apartment complex for elderly people with your new real estate ticket. lol. ((()) Leo x
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