The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The weekend started off on a bad note for me. I took something AH did (or rather, didnt do) personally. But I came and posted here, got my feelings out, and that by itself helped me to regain some perspective. The responses that followed from some of you helped even more and by the end of the evening, my mindset had changed. Around midnight, AH came to me asking to talk. He had been drinking of course and these days that would typically be a non-starter for me but he seemed almost desperate and I felt like I was in a good enough place to be able to hear him out. I was fully prepared to walk away if things turned south though. We ended up having a good conversation with him showing some real vulnerability. It was sad to me that it required him to be drinking in order to come to that point, but it was good to hear it nonetheless. I have no illusions that any of it will lead to any permanent change, but I took it for what it was in the moment and it helped to reassure me that the path Im on right now is the right one for me. As an added bonus, we all had a wonderful Saturday and Sunday with AH choosing not to drink at all. I could tell it was difficult for him on Sunday especially, but he did it. Again, I hold no visions of any of this leading to any long term change, but Im grateful for those two days anyway. And it was helpful to know that he recognized that Im changing and nothing he does or doesnt do can stop that.
And so the process of your growth, your change, your healing... begins!
Kudos to you for being able to hear him out without anger attached...it is a very hard thing to do when you have been wronged.
May you find peace in your journey!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Baby steps Twinkies, but as you pointed out - sometimes those baby steps have huge impact.
I am a huge advocate of the books "Getting Them Sober", written by Toby Rice Drews.... A lot of folks have difficulty with the titles of that series, but Toby's key points are summarized in your awesome post..... There ARE things we can do (primarily getting ourselves healthier and better) that can pave the way, or at least the opportunity - for our A's to get themselves better.
It isn't very often a straight line, but the road to your serenity & overall happiness is well started by the positive changes you are making, and (God willing), those same positive changes in you, are potentially helping your A as well.
Awesome stuff
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
(((Twinkies))) - Thank you for the share! I too see a ton of program in action and love that you're fully aware of staying present and avoiding expectations. I too prefer to avoid discussions with others when they are under the influence, yet there have been times when another is really burdened, and I take HP with me. Keep working it - it looks great on you!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It sounds like you feel you are making progress and that it was a nice weekend for your family. I like the title you gave your post. In that title is gratitude, acceptance and hope. It took courage for him to be vulnerable and courage for you to be open to hearing him. One day at a time. (((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Twinkies Im so glad youre feeling good about your progress. My AH didnt like the change in me at first from Al Anon but the longer I worked the program he changed a lot in regards to that. Al Anon has rubbed off on him unintentionally a di will sometimes hear a slogan or Al Anon concept coming from him. Its a beautiful program. Glad you are seeing some positive results for yourself.
I too am inspired by your title for the thread! and I love watching your progress which reflects my own. Just like you, I found recovery take off when I was diligent about keeping MYSELF under the pixar lamp and not him. Youre doing this just wonderfully!
My husband had his moments of clarity as well... his feelings of remorse... and those days gave me hope.
However, for me and my husband, we BOTH continued our Peewee Herman Tequila dance. lol..... few steps forward, few steps back
We'd BOTH forget the pain and humiliation of (our old behaviors.) our human brains are apparently not wired to change without a little back and forth practice. So the tests kept coming... every day we have to wake up and practice yet again. He'd do his thing and I had the choice to stay in the moment and practice something different... or fall into my old behaviors and reactions. Which I would say is pretty normal until it sticks (after a lot of practice)
When it happens, and I feel life is "unmanageable" again, I just go right back into using the steps, beginning with perhaps the most important of them all, the honest admissions of the First Step: I am powerless over alcohol, yes... but also over my old knee-jerk habits, especially reacting to insanity (in an insane world, lol)
...but I can now detach, set up necessary boundaries, and get back quiet and still with my HP at once, unitl peace and calm is restored.
Keeping the slogans handy were quick "strengthening" remedies, until I understood the steps more deeply. especially:
"I can't. God can. I choose to let Him" (by letting go of failure thoughts and dwelling on God or something positive instead, something that will help my spiritual life to "grow" as opposed to something that hinders it.)
(((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 22nd of January 2019 11:08:28 AM
