The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My daughter (sober 120 days on Jan 14th) was brought home tonight by a co-worker. She was drunk. Things have been going so well and we have been so grateful. She and her 5 year old live with me, the little one is at her other g-ma's tonight, thank God. Anyway, I lost it. Blame, shame, yelling and crying. I'm so mad at myself and I'm furious with her. Things were going so well. I can't stop crying and I can't sleep. She's passed out in her clothes. This sucks. I found a meeting I can go to at 10:30 a.m., but I just wanted to see if anyone was awake and could offer any advice. I screwed it up, but omg. I am so disappointed and disgusted, I just don't know what to do. I'm not good at this yet, I've only been going to Al-Anon for a few months (and not diligently) and I don't have a sponsor yet. Thanks for reading. I'm new here, obviously.
((Melanie))) you are not alone As David has pointed out, this is a powerful disease. Both yourself and your daughter have been affected and that is why continued meetings are essential. We are not perfect so that exploding and reacting are not unusual. Forgiving ourselves for this is essential i urge you to keep coming back.
I am so sorry for the pain both you and most certainly your daughter is feeling. I don't have any exact ESH because my AH has never had any time in sobriety. All I have heard is relapse is part of recovery. Please don't be too hard on yourself regarding your reaction. The shock and disappointment needed an outlet. I hope you can get to some face to face meetings and delve into the program full steam ahead. Sending prayers!
Melanie - welcome to MIP...I am glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I am sorry for the pain this disease has brought to you and your daughter. I love that you looked for a meeting to attend already - that's what we do. This disease is cunning and baffling and while we hold on to hope for those we love, we learn in Al-Anon that we're not the cause, can't control nor cure it.
I hope you keep coming back here - you are not alone! The best suggestion I have is to lean into Al-Anon with all you have and use your phone list when necessary esp. until you get a sponsor. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am also glad you came and shared...you are on your way in recovery and both you and your daughter relapsed...same place same time. This mornings meeting was on step 8 which I learned to do by including myself on the list I harmed myself when I acted like this and learned how to forgive myself as I would forgive anyone else. Ours is a program of progression not perfection. You probably have suffered it more than your daughter has though that is not justification in recovery. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Hi. I am glad you found your way here. Relapse is painful for all involved. Go easy on yourself, you are learning a different way to react to the disease and it takes a long time and lots of practice to get better. No one ever handles it perfectly as to date in my experience I haven't met that perfect person yet.
When I behave in ways that I am not happy about or say things that I regret, no matter if it is to my qualifier or who it is , I try to step back and own my part. My part only and nothing else. I always feel better and some peace returns.
It is dissapointing and heartbreaking to see our loved ones flounder, but step by step I have been able to get better and separate my life and my feelings from theirs.
I can love, support and encourage but I cannot change another persons actions no matter how hard I try. It took me a long while to accept that. This disease in my daughter led me to such despair and unmanageability in my own life that it was absolutely shocking. I wrestled and wrestled, controlled, pleaded, begged, made bargains etc etc all to no avail. I hardly recognized the person I had become at one point.
I have gotten my life back, I have survived her relapses and my own and have been able to find happiness again in spite of what she is or isn't doing. I now work the program that I wish my daughter did. It has helped me tremendously.
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hugs Melanie, and try to be gentle on yourself.... I assure you, there is no magical correlation between being an oltimer and NOT screwing up :)
The reality is that you are human, and you ARE rightfully and understandably hurt, disappointed, scared, etc., etc. about your daughter's relapse.
Our program is one of gentle reflection, and emotional support....
So rather than beat yourself up for how you reacted last night - please try giving yourself a hug today, as you did "the best you could with what you knew at the time", and today is a new day, and you'll figure this stuff out - one day at a time (or one hour, or one minute)
Hugs
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
woa, (((Melenie)))) easy on yourself....this isn't a "boo boo" you stick a bandage on and its over with, this is a life altering disease....she has the disease of addiction and yea, there could be many more slips...some alcoholics make it and are sober for decades and till they pass on?? some slip and slide till THEY pass on, giving grief and sadness to the ones who love them and hope so much for their staying sober
you didn't cause this..you will never control this and you , for SURE aint gonna cure this...SHE has to surrender to the FACT that she is an alcoholic and that she must totally surrender to steps 1,2,3, and the program IN ITS ENTIRETY or she will slip again
I'm sorry this happened, and that you are 100% powerless over her choices, but you can work on you..Al-anon shows US how to live for US as we let the other go, with love, to their own devices...yea, encourage them, sure, but they gotta do their life, because we can't do it
Relapse is often a part of the disease of alcoholism . In fact many programs are all about relapse prevention.
Today I spent sometime being angry at an alcoholic I have had no contact with for over a year I am unlikely to have any further contact with them but I fell back into demonstrating anyway Remonstrating is certainly a normal response Of course it is also an exhausting one and certainly doesn't feel nuturng. Learning new tools takes a while. None of us get to be perfect al.anoners overnight
How good it is that your daughter has a safe place to land at this time Your grand daughter has a safe responsive environment that is something to be applauded When I am exhausted angry disgusted and reactive I have to take time and space to take care of myself. As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional childhood the negative is the norm for me. When I was first in these rooms I had a sponsor who insisted I come up with three gratitudes a day. I thought the entire idea was ridiculous and told her that as often as I could. Being grateful is a big part of my program today and I certainly went kicking and screaming into that
You do not have to fix everything tomorrow Taking time to regroup and repair ourselves is so key to managing whatever life throws at us. The whole issue of control used to really exhaust me I felt that by being controlling I was saving myself and others. In fact I always had very little control over others and even less over myself.
I could, of course, learn how to control my response There are even times these days when I can relax which certainly wasn't possible for ne in the past
Al anon presents many tools for us to use for dealing with an alcoholic. Most of all.al anon is a place of respite and safety where we can be honest and receive the compassion and care we so richly deserve Give yourself some of that compassion and love for stumbling. Stumbling is not a punishable offense.
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You're welcome... we have all been there... stick it out... hang in there... 