The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying to figure out how my reasoning is flawed and what signs I am missing. I think this may be part of one of my steps. My late husband was a wonderful person who treated me kindly, worked hard, was honest, had no addictions. We were married for 18 years until his death.
I then dated a person who was brilliant, Harvard graduate, owned his own business. Drank constantly, was OCD to the point that his home should have been condemned, and was addicted to sleeping pills taken in combination with wine.
Then I dated a brilliant man who is a con-artist, and by his own admission is a sociopath. I really liked him too, as he was very personable, but completely untrustworthy. He has now been in a relationship with a psychologist for the past 3 years and I haven't figured out how she can ignore the signs of all that is wrong. But she appears happy.
Then I dated a brilliant man who codes in C++. He is also OCD and his house should be condemned. Not only is he OCD but he was physically and emotionally abusive to me.
Then I dated a really stupid man because I figured all the brilliant ones are derranged. I married him. But he is an alcoholic, verbally abusive, physically abusive, and a liar.
So my question is: what could it be about me that I attract the wrong type of people? How should my thinking or behaviors change so that these type of people are not attracted to me? What signs should I be looking for?
Take it from a guy... if they fog a mirror... enter cautiously... LOL
But really... I would bet that when the emotional hysteria dies down and after all we learn here you would be better able to cull out the duds going forward. I have heard people say in meetings and what not, that we tend to be attracted to people we can "save" and/or "support".
Doesn't mean you have to do that, just knowing that can be enlightening.
I told my F2F that if WSO would publish their books under another title and simply replace the word Alcoholic with "he/she" and the word alcoholism with the word "Life", that they should use it as a textbook in the school system from about K-12.
Trust yourself... but carry that mirror around!
- r
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I used to ask myself this same question. I have found that it is not "us" that attracts people like that. It is that we do not have healthy boundaries. Last night, I was talking to a potential date. I told him that I was really tired and going to bed. He asked me to compromise and stay up for 10 more minutes. I said no. He got pissed and hung up on me. Guess what? This was a big red flag....potential abuser. I really listen to how a person talks about things. If they constantly gossip, make fun of, or put others down...I move quickly out of their life. It has nothing to do with us, other than us not having healthy boundaries and staying too long. It's because we do not feel worthy of being treated with love and respect. In time, we learn to love ourselves and feel worthy of good things. When we love and respect ourselves, we will meet people who will treat us the same. It takes time, but you will get there.
just in asking those questions in yourself you have grown to understand that these things are the things not to look for in the future. And that NOW you are moving forward to define your own personal boundaries, Your own (ODAT) daily expectations.
I praying that you stay on the (spiritual awakening) path that you are already recognizing and moving forward (progressivly ) on that is leading you to inner peace in your life. I know with the help of Alanon you are going to succeed in defining "your space." You are a wonderful loving person that deserves to be loved in return. ((I Love YOU))
I have learned a very helpful phrase, "My picker is broken."
I know that if my marriage ended today, and I started dating, I would find an alcoholic/addict. Every single person I have ever been attracted to has been an alcoholic/addict.
I am getting better one day at a time. I am slowly starting to add healthy men to that list, lol, as a married woman I don't act on it, but a girl can look.
I am a work in progress. And through alanon my picker is getting fixed.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
hI ditto stay with the program and find a f2f sponsor all will be revieled. Some u won't' like some u will discover are actually assets and those are a gift . Finding your self the real self takes time and alot of hard work but well worth the effort . Keep on commin you have no idea where this program can take you . Louise
Have to tell ya that....even though we say we wonder why we attract folks like the ones you've met........deep down inside us.....those are exactly the folks we intend to attract many times.
That's a hard one to admit.....I know. Been there, done that myself a time or two. I used to say, "What...am I wearing a sign stuck to my back that says it you're alcoholic or needy, please intorduce yourself to me? lol
Just giving you a thought.....something that worked for me.....attend f2f meetings, look for a sponsor, and work those 12 steps. You will be amazed at what you'll uncover in the work of the steps.
And that NOW you are moving forward to define your own personal boundaries, Your own (ODAT) daily expectations. 
I know with the help of Alanon you are going to succeed in defining "your space." You are a wonderful 
loving person that deserves to be loved in return. ((
I Love YOU))