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A little recient history... we have been very uncivil for the past 4 months. All of a sudden last sunday my AW decides everything is fine. Which is great for me... odd, but great.
We both like car racing and there is a Nascar race in Ft Worth this weekend. She got mad last night because she expected that since we were getting along, I would run out and buy tickets and go this weekend.
Well... Last november I took her to this same race for her birthday and we had a good time until we were in the massive line waiting to leave and she decided it would be "cool" to flash a bunch of guys and get some beads... gotta love Nascar.
I asked her to cut it out, and she exploded. Our relationship has been crap ever sense. She is making an effort right now, and I want to do some things with her to build on that, but I don't want to go to that race and I told her so.
Going is a big expense, and it is physically draining. Well worth it if everyone is up to it, but I can't help but associate it with the last weekend we were decient to each other in 4 months.
I just simply don't want to go... did I say that already?
She kept going on and on about why not? So I told her that right now, this instant, I associate that with the begining of a very rough time in our marriage, and I don't want to try and use this same event to try and bond it back together. I told her that doesn't mean I won't ever want to go, but right now I don't.
So she's wildly upset.
In times past I would have hocked the lawn mower to take her... but, I don't feel up to it.
Am I being unreasonable? We have plenty of money to do it. Should I have approached it differently... I don't know... lied about it?
<sigh>
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I don't think you are creating a crisis at all. It doesn't really matter if it is associated with a bad time in your marriage or not. You don't want to go. It is not up to you to do everything that she wants.
But understand that while she does not have the right to make you go, you also cannot make her not go. If she chooses to she can go alone. Would you be okay with that?
Doing something you really don't want to do, can only cause resentments later. You have to do what makes you happy. I agree that sometimes it is nice to do something the other wants to do, and we might not, just to make the other happy, but if you are dead set against it and it will make you unhappy, you shouldn't do it.
Maybe you could tell her that maybe next year it would be a good thing.
No, you are not creating a crisis. You are under no obligation to take anyone anywhere. As an adult, your wife is expected to undersand the word "no", to understand there are consequences to her actions, and to act in a mature and reasonable fashion.
You should not torture yourself or second-guess yourself for not wanting to go to a place where her actions embarrass you.
We are being taught to keep the focus on us. That is something which will annoy other people no end.
Sounds to me like you are growing, and honoring yourself.... It would be blatant "people pleasing" if you went to the race, against your own intuitions and feelings.... You have every right to feel the way you do, and that is great. She has a right to her feelings too, and that is fine. If YOU want to, perhaps there is a compromise or solution somewhere out there - a different race, or new venue, or some such thing, where it can be looked upon as starting something anew.
Take care....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I tried to reply to your post once, but for some reason, it did not show up. Guess it is lost in cyberspace somwhere -- probably will end up on the front page of our local paper for all I know! Anyway, I sure do not believe that you have created a crises. You have perfect right to say no and not feel guilty about it. Had I been the one to go through your experience at the last race, I would be extremely hessitant to go also.
I have been reading your posts since I discovered this site. I have a question. Are you married to my x-wife???? Actually, I know you aren't, it just sounds like it. My X was aways bitter, distant, uncommunicative, hostile, and uncaring. The thing is, she was not addicted to anything so that is one big difference. She could be fairly nice if she wanted something from me. I always asked myself why she was like that. As it turned out, she developed a fairly acute case of depression. Seems the cure was getting rid of me. Understand she is doing O.K. now. Are your A's actions due to her disease, or is it her personality, or a combination of both?
Anyway, God knows that I have no answers. I can hardly figure out how to handle my own problems with my AW. I just have a lot of empathy for you and what you are going through. I hope it all ultimately works out for the best, regardless of how that comes about. I can see that you have many friends and a lot of support here.
I don't believe you are creating a crisis at all. You personally do not want to attend this event. That's your choice. Her reaction to your choice is not your responsibility. Don't let her make you feel that it is.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Stand your ground. Seems the decision is based on the fact you are trying to find ways to keep the peace to be decent to hold on to the bit o' stability you have defined/found firm ground to stand on No way is that a crisis I call it Courage and Progress. We all want some of what you got!! (LOL) Keep Looking uP!
No, from my experience when I go somewhere that I don't want to just for his sake, it turns out badly. So if I don't want to go, I tell him. And I don't go. It isn't easy, and is sometimes hard, but for my sanity, I do it.
Hope things calm down soon.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Don't hock the lawn mower if you don't want to go .... I may need to borrow it ... haven't checked the garage since my A's last hurrah ... sigh ...
I don't think you are creating a crisis. I understand your feelings of not wanting to put yourself in a situation that has previously turned sour. I have a few of those events coming up this spring/summer and am trying to not jump the gun on a decision but stay strong in the fact that if I do not want to go then I won't, not make myself uncomfortable just to please my A or anyone else for that matter. Keeping the peace inside is much more important than keeping it on the outside. Take care.
Hello rt - she probably went balistic because u reminded her of what she did last yr. O h well her problem not yours. Maybe she will learn to not insist u explain why not ?? hehe You have every right to say u don't want to go this yr. she will have to deal with it like it or not.
No way is that a crisis I call it Courage and Progress. We all want some of what you got!! (LOL) Keep Looking uP! 
Your doing G R E A T!!!! (((((BIG HUG))))) 