The last time I posted, I had gone to see my h's lawyer that day.  I felt awful, couldn't get to sleep that night and lay awake thinking.  I went through the pitiful me stage, how could he leave me and the kids when I love him so much.  Then I got angry.  If he was going to leave, that would be fine.  I could take care of the kids and this house by myself.  The more I thought about it, I realized that he was right about something.  He always tells me that I don't do the things he asks me to do around the house.  And he's right.  I could always come up with a reason as to why I didn't need to do it.  It didn't need to be done since it didn't bother me, I forgot, whatever, a million excuses.  What an awakening!  Obviously his crack problem is worse than dealing with mine, but just the same, I realized I was not the perfect person I assumed I was.  Anyway, I told him last night.  I said I wasn't telling him to make him stay, but I wanted him to know.  I said I couldn't change overnight but I was dealing with this new awareness of myself.  I felt better telling him too.  And I've been doing those little things around the house that need to be done.  What an accomplished feeling I've been having!

It's hard to see your own problems when you're so focused on theirs.  Thanks to all of you for being there and listening to my problems and giving advice when you can.  Hugs to all of you.