The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Living with an active user has created so much anxiety and worry in my life. I believe I became used to the unexpected and unpredictable lifestyle. Would he keep this job, will he get drunk tonight and take the car, will he overspend and overdraft our account? I held onto every disappointment, every arguement, every threat, every broken promise. I allowed all that anger and resentment to fester inside me like the disease itself to the point where I was thinking homicide or suicide is looking pretty good right now, just to escape the anger and the pain. I couldn't bring myself to be happy and enjoy life for anything. I lived in a perpetual state of not hoping and expecting anything good to happen to me or my family. When something pleasant or good would come our way, I'd smile but not feel joy on the inside. My "a" read right through that, we fed off each other's negative emotions.
He said when he left he really didn't love me, or was not in love with me. He said after being told over and over about how much of a disappointment he was, how he didn't make enough money, how he didn't do this well or that well, and hearing me scream and tell him to leave the home for so long, he began to lose love for me. How can love survive in an atmosphere of hatred and contempt? I don't blame him for his feelings that was the truth it hurt to hear it, but I needed to hear it. Does this mean life will miraculously change for me? No. He may still lose jobs, he will still get drunk, he'll still overspend his money. The difference now is I see its his mess to clean up. It affects us as a family, but I see now that he needs to go through the pains of his addiction in order to get so disgusted with it that he wants sobriety more than anything. The kids and I will be fine, I have a good job, and we are living our life no matter what happens now.
I asked him the other day, now that we aren't fighting and we're getting along so well, Am I boring to you? He looked at me funny and said no, why would you think that? I guess I was trying to tell him that we lived for four year in a constant state of crisis, fighting, making up, more crisis, more fighting, etc, etc. that I was nervous that that was all there was to our relationship. It's uncomfortable for me to sit quietly with him because I'm so used to bickering. I don't recall us ever being this quiet with one another and I often wonder if he finds me boring or unappealling. I realize now that's an insecurity of mine. Its part of not feeling worthy of love, not giving myself credit for being an interesting person. I see now why I was a thrill seeker when I was younger and I sought out thrill seekers to have relationships with. Living life enjoying the mundane everyday tasks was not good enough for me. I had to spice it up, with going out dancing, hanging out with friends, going to Mexico by myself just because, skydiving. Those things gave me a feeling of living a satisfying life, but that is not all of what my life is. I would love to get to a place with in myself and be content with living a life with hubby and enjoying the mundane and not have this sense of anxiety that I'm missing something. I believe its the roller coaster of my relationships past and present that set this trend for me. Now I have to unlearn this and experience a relationship that is calm, loving, nurturing, not chaotic and tumultous.
Maybe letting go when I feel that uncomfortable feeling come over me and not say anything, just sit still and see what HP wants me to get out of it. ( Yikes that's a leap for me)!
Just a ramble and a share today,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I understand your position, but Here's where I am having trouble. I find it hard to "live" around him. How do you handle your social life? Do you have friends come over or do you go out How did you let go of the resentment?
Ramble... sounds very insightful to me. Congratulations! Understanding that events don't have to be extravigant to provide satisfaction sounds like the thinking of someone getting their act together.
Of course knowing that and allowing yourself to feel it and enjoy it will take practice, but you sound like you are well on your way.
Keep taking care of you and sharing your sucesses!
- r
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I understand the thrill seeker bit. Not that I ever saw myself out to have alife like this, but my doctor commented to me yesterday--well it's never a dull monment with you is it? I said "nope, actually you ought to come over to my house and see how not dull it is!!"
Because of the roller coasters I have been on with my first and now 2nd husband I too find it hard when things are going smoothly. I think this can't be it, somehting's wrong or is about to come of nowhere and knock me down!!
I too want to become comfortable with just being me and having a "stable" life!!!
I find your posts soooo inspiring! I really appreciate how much you've been sharing about your personal insights into yourself, your patterns, and your relationships. Your shares really help inspire to stick with my program because I can see how much it is helping you and therefore it gives me even more faith that the program can help me, too.
I can definitely relate to allowing the A to clean up his own mess. Currently the A is depressed and I am not doing anything to help him in it. I have my own issues to attend to. I used to embrace our coupledom and rely on him to rescue me. He said recently that he feels I blame him for everything. I think that is true too. I did grow up in an environment where I felt powerless so since I felt powerless I gave the power for my life to others. I am taking that all back now but I slip every now and again.
