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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> new here, help?
Post Info TOPIC: new here, help?
msykesp


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new here, help?
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Hello,


My name is melissa, and I came here hoping for some insite to my situation with my husband.  I dont have quite enough courage to go to an actual meeting, but I hope that i might get some instight this way.  I am 23, and married nearly a year now to my husband, with whom I have been with for 4 years.  I guess I should have done this before we got married, but better late then never. My husband is a heavy drinker, and in the past six months, he has been drinking almost a case of beer a day.  Just one week to the day, I asked him to give it up, because I can not pretend that I am happy anymore...  he couldnt even give me an answer, and had to take the night to think about what he wanted in his life more.  there is no doubt that I love him, but the more I am reading about it, the more I grow concerned.  I can see myself as the codependant spouse, I have constantly hid his actions to everyone, my parents, my friends, his family...  and I am so drained from it all... there must be someting wrong if i feel the need to hid this from everyone else who cares about me.  When I asked him to stop he asked me why...  why would I want to this of him, because I should know that he is not happy when he is sober, and drinking is the ONLY thing that makes him happy.  my heart was crushed.  He told me that he is fine, and it isnt affecting him physically, though I know better.  He got to the point where he drank so much and would be so far gone when he passed out he would wet the bed almost nightly.  not to mention the typical routine was to hang out in the garage until about 11 each night and come in and pass out.  what a marriage, huh?  I just dont know if I can do this for the rest of my life.  before we were married he quit, and that was my okay to say yes to marry him, but now he drinks more then before!  I want our marriage to last, but I cant live with him doing this to himself, andI wont even think about bringing in a child to it.  I can hardly handle the names and yelling...



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megan


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Hi Melissa


Welcome to alanon and your recovery. Welcome to MIP I am glad that you found us


It is very corageous of you to post and reach out for help.


I can relate to the beer drinking, the bed wetting and the verbal abuse and name calling.


Alanon offers real help to us, those that love an alcoholic.


There are online meetings here at 9am and 9pm est.


I attened those until I was rwady to go to face to face (f2f) meetings.


Your life CAN get better, whethere or not your A - alcoholic drinks.


Welcome to your recovery


Megan

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Megan If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
twinmom2


~*Service Worker*~

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Melissa,


Welcome to MIP, your in a good place to get it all out.  First I'd like to say that some of us have similar experiences and some of us don't, but everyone really cares here and will do what they can to help you be successful in your program.  I'm sorry you are going through this. 


Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone.  You are obviously being affected by his drinking.  Taking the step to come here is a good step to your recovery and regaining peace in your life.  You will learn in this program that you didn't Cause the drinking, you Can't Cure the drinking, and you can't Control the drinking.  Controlling or demanding that he stop will only make things miserable for you and him.  This program is for you and about you putting all that energy that has been focused on covering for him and lying for him back into yourself.  You no longer have to protect or enable him, let him feel the affects of his choices to drink.  This program will help you learn how to stop worrying, controlling, and manipulating his world to get him sober and allows you to live your life to the fullest regardless of whether he quits drinking or not.  Keep coming back here and posting, try a F/F meeting for at least six weeks and see how it goes, read literature, educate yourself on the disease and focus on what your needs are. 


The saying is Let it Begin with You, I understand that "it" means healing, Healing could be healing of my insanity that is linked to this disease, healing for my children, healing for my "a" and his addictions.  Healing of my self-image.  Take this one day at a time and keep coming back. 


Hugs,


Twinmom~



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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
leo


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Hi Miss and welcome.  Each of us have done exactly the same things as you and isolated ourselves from friends and family in the process. Today is all about getting you back.  Lots of love and support here.  You will learn to put boundaries in place and detach when your husband is being verbally abusive to you.  Time to find Melissa again.  Here for you sweetie anytime.  Luv Leo xx


 



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canadianguy


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Welcome Melissa, and you've come to a great place.....  He probably believes what he told you, about him "not being happy when he is sober", but is certainly showing his sickness when he makes the jump from that to "he's happy when he's drunk".


Bottom line, is he is acting and behaving like an alcoholic.  I'd encourage you to post here, your thoughts, feelings, fears, etc....  Embrace this place, Al-Anon principles, etc., and some of your answers will become more clear.  One book I would highly recommend, would be "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.  I know it was an emotional lifesaver for me.


Take care, and keep coming back


Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
nycbt


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Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.


 


World Service Organization Website –


WWW.al-anon.alateen.org


Phone number is 1-888-425-2666


Alanon meetings 800-351-9996


Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666


Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.


Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html 


 


Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.



  • Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

  • post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

·        Set support system.  people do not judge.You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.



  • Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.


 

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
aunitedway


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(((Welcome)))) Missy. So sorry your going through this.  Very glad your here!!  NYCBT has given you some great information.!  I will help in any way that I can.  Pray that you will find the courage to make a meeting and see what Alanon has to offer. Please dont allow yourself to become isolated from those that truly love you.   This is a great 12 step program. I believe you will be able to define boundaries and find some peace for your very own "Self."   YOU ARE NUMBER ONE!!   ((BigHug))


  Keep Looking uP!



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Dolphin123


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((((((((((Melissa)))))))))))),


Sending you hugs of support. So glad you found us, you are in the right place.


Megan posted the meeting schedule, I would suggest you try online meetings if you are not comfortable going to a face to face meeting. The meetings here are great, and have offered me so much help.


I have been with my husband for 8, almost 9, years now. He has been sober/clean off and on for that time. I know the lonliness and the heartache of loving an alcoholic. I sometimes feel like I am trying to compete against another women, but it is the bottle, needle, and pipe I am competeing against.


I have learned from alanon that I am worth something. I focus on me, and worry about him less and less. I enjoy the good times, and cry during the bad, but I am happy now because of all alanon. I have a life, friends, and people who truly care about me.


You can have the same things to.


keep coming back.


Much Love,



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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Jennifer


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Welcome Melissa,


Glad you found MIP! It's a wonderful place with amazing people. Keep coming back, take care.


Jennifer



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unsure24


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My name is Tonia.  I joined the forum and didnt have the courage to post until i read this.  I didnt realize that the things i have been seeing were commonplace i wasnt even sure that i should be here.  My husband and i have been married for a year and a half.  I am 24 and he is 34.  My husband was a recovering alcoholic when we first met and through when we were dating and when we got married.  After a few months of being married he started drinking again.  First it was just one or two a week and then it grew till now its between 9 and 18 a night.  He hid the amount he was drinking from me for a while but i was cleaning the basement near his workshop one night and discovered a couple of garbage bags full of cans.  I confronted him about it and he said that he was fine and that it wasnt affecting him.  He still wont admit that its affecting him and that hes started swearing at me and calling me abusive names.  He says that he doesnt remember saying things which im sure he doesnt since he gets so drunk he passes out on the couch or on our bed.  He has wet the bed several times and he has gotten up several times and gotten confused about where he is and thought he has made it to the bathroom but instead is urinating on the floor.  I love him with all my heart and i just dont know where to turn or what to do.  I want to make things work.  I just dont know if i can do this much longer.    I hide things from my family and his family just wont help.  I dont know how to talk to my family about this and i dont have the courage to tell anyone in person.  I have considered seeing a psychologist but i just dont know if i can open up to anyone in person. 


unsure24



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msykesp


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Posts: 6
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Wow! I can not believe that I havnt looked here before...  I already feel like I am no longer alone!  I cant say how good it feels to be here. 


I will keep posting through good and bad...  you are all already friends, thank you all so much for you concern for me.  its been a long time...



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