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Its been a couple of months now that Ive been pretty consistent in the way I conduct myself in regards to AHs drinking. When I first made the decision to disengage a year ago, my actions were unpredictable and Im pretty sure AH never knew what to expect from me. I never knew what to expect from me either. It took a long, long time for the act of walking away and separating myself from the situation to be the norm. Now that it is, I can see/feel the confusion and hurt that AH is beginning to experience because of it. He knows that being with him when hes drinking triggers anger and frustration in me, but beyond the declaration I made a year ago about my need to not be around him when he chooses to drink, weve never talked about my choice to disengage again. And the inconsistency I showed in the first 9 or 10 months following that declaration has made it, Im sure, easy for him to disregard. Now that I am being more and more consistent, he has begun to make what are intended to be guilt-inducing comments about it. So far, Ive been successful in not taking the bait. Hell start drinking and after a couple of beers, Ill get up to leave the area. Hell say something like since you dont want to talk with me, I guess Ill just watch tv. My go-to response has been something along the lines of I need to do X, Y, Z or I feel like taking a bath. But the cold, hard truth - Im choosing to not be around you when youre drinking hasnt been uttered in a year. It almost feels like a lie. Its not though, I know. There are simply unspoken endings to those statements - I need to do X, Y, Z ... and since youve chosen to drink, now is a good time to take care of it or I feel like taking a bath...because youve chosen to drink and I would rather soak in the tub than be around you right now. But I know that at some point, as his attempts to induce guilt fall flat, hell become more bold and hell try to push me into talking about the *real* reason I continue to disengage. This will only happen when hes drinking though - any topic that he knows will trigger real emotions from him will ONLY be brought up by him then. Obviously, talking with him about it when hes actively drinking isnt an option though. And, since I *know* that he knows why Im consistently disengaging, Im not really feeling inclined to bring it up again myself either. Thats ok, right? Its ok to finally just stop talking about the issue at all, right? I mean, weve discussed his drinking for YEARS now and Im just kind of over it.
On a related yet unrelated note - do I have any obligation to let him know that Im a member here? If Im on here and he walks in the room, I find myself quickly closing the page because I know it will cause an argument and Im just.so.tired of it. But it feels like Im hiding it from him (because I am) and while thats in my best interest, it feels a little bit wrong too. And if I manage to start carving out time to go to f2f meetings, how do I handle that? Saying Im going to meet friends wont work. For one, its a lie. But also, he knows all of my friends. If I start going out to meet friends he doesnt know, hes going to immediately think Im cheating on him and/or hes going to wonder where I met them and why he hasnt met them yet.
Twinkies Attending alanon meetings helped me too develop deep friendships that have sustained me through the years. Telling hubby you are going to see fiends will not be a lie and you deserve the time away. You will both be enriched
At meetings we learn to focus on ourselves, and practice new tools to live by so that our lives and needs become important. Do keep coming back. Even in marriage we do bet to have privacy so draw your healthy boundaries and be gentle with yourself
Twinkies - there are no specific rules or guidelines for right/wrong in recovery. When I first arrived, I did not share with my qualifiers that I was going to Al-Anon. I didn't really hide it either, I just didn't announce it or profess it. When asked where I was going, I would just say a meeting. Of course, things here were so strained and mine were working hard to hide many activities, so disappearing for an hour + wasn't too difficult.
What I came to realize is I was raised to participate in family in a manner much different than my AH. For instance, if he were working on a project and needed to go get something, he just picks up and goes. He doesn't tell me, he doesn't ask me if I need anything - he's just off and running. This is not limited to projects, it includes food, booze....just about every/any thing. I was raised that if you were going someplace, you shared that and when you were coming home. So 'this way' was important to ME, and it was foreign to my AH. We had impasse for years over this and I had to just let it go! As with all teachings in recovery, I was not going to change him or convince him my way was better/right. So - when I started in recovery, I began to focus on me, take care of me and do the next right thing. I too began to just go take care of me without announcing or informing others what I was doing.
As time has passed, I have disclosed to both my sons that I attend Al-Anon. For an unknown reason, they've never asked why. I could speculate but why bother - I have changed, they see the changes and they like me way better today than before so it's all good. I honestly don't know if my AH knows or not as I also go to AA meetings.
What I've learned in recovery is I don't have to be silent - I do have a voice. So long as I say what I mean, mean what I say and use I statements, things go reasonably well around here. You statements are not well received as it's an auto-indicator of placing blame. I am so, so grateful I had a sponsor who helped me find my words that were authentic and loving and kind vs. blaming/shaming/accusing. I also learned how to simplify what I wanted/needed to say so that I did not end up in a situation that might tempt me to J-A-D-E - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.
It took me a while of practicing this program to accept and embrace that how others act, react, etc. to me, my words, etc. was not about me. I have a right to a peaceful existence however I get there, and nobody should ever stand between me and me wanting to improve me. Lastly, I am so, so grateful that others and sponsor kept me focused on one day at a time, just this day, to work on me, change me and practice this program. The past and the future really have no bearing on what I can do today to find joy and peace and be of maximum service to others. (((Hugs))) - keep coming back and keep it simple!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Twinkies-You are asking good questions! I found that telling my A I was starting alanon, made my spouse realize that something serious was going on with us. 5 and 1/2 years later, I'm still going to alanon.
Two important things I have learned (actually I have learned many important things but these two relate to your share):
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
Not my business has been my slogan recently what is and is not .. meaning there are some things that are just God's business and the God of my understanding needs to handle it.
As far as meetings go and what you do that's entirely up to you as to what you choose to share. Honestly there was a woman I knew that couldn't tell her spouse (I don't know if they are still together or not she came very sporadically). She had very real physical violence issues that were present so she made the decision not to tell her spouse specifically for safety. MY XAH hated my meetings because they were giving me options he had no control over.
I made the decision not to tell my XAH that I was attending AA meetings (open). That was my thing and what I needed on top of my Alanon meetings to help me. I figured that I had a right to my own life since he was living his.
So if you choose to tell him that's your business, his drinking .. that's his business.
The other thing Alanon taught me was time and place to speak .. while things need to be addressed sometimes I need time to formulate my thoughts and ideas on what I want to say so I do not say it mean and I am more likely to say what I mean. If I have already said something then honestly I am less likely to repeat myself now .. if it's something that I feel needs to be stated then yes .. picking a time and place is better usually when I am not in HHALT mode and usually when we are all open to hear and receive information. Sometimes it is my perception of a situation I need to address. Motivations are huge .. why do I feel I need to say something.
You need to do what's best for you and your own situation as I state .. while this is what I did .. none of us on the boards have to deal with your specific situation in terms of consequences, no different than the gal who was dealing with a volatile situation.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hey Twinkies. I told my AH I was going to meetings between his drinking and my step mothers drinking and my step fathers drinking I was very much qualified. What he heard was I was going to meetings because of my step mother lol. I got resistance and push back and criticism at first but once he realized it wasnt a threat to him he dropped it and looks after our daughter while Im there. I think he likes having a couple hours of the house to himself as well. What you tell him is ultimately up to you. Face to face meetings are my lifeline I hope you find one for yourself. Hugs
Now that it is, I can see/feel the confusion and hurt that AH is beginning to experience because of it. When we detach, and we begin to focus on the "impact" or "consequences" that the alcoholic experiences because of our detachment -- then it is time to look at us? Why? Because if the impact/consequences become the focal point -- then we are focusing on the alcoholic and not on ourselves!!! Remember, that impact, those consequences are present because we HAD TO detach. It's cause and effect. It is a byproduct of US doing what is healthy for US.
I don't predict or project, but alcoholics are focused on themselves. What does alanon teach us, what is the alanon program about...it is about teaching us to focus on ourselves. So, what does all this mean for you...CHECK YOUR MOTIVES! They are quality, they have integrity, they are for YOU. That is good. Keep doing it. The past is the past. We don't live in the past. We live in the present, one day at a time.
He is trying to use guilt -- against you, on you -- and that's what alcoholics do. Guilt, manipulation, anger, love, denial, rage, pity, all the things alcoholics do -- to get what they want, to keep doing what they've been doing, and to keep us doing what they want us to do, what role they want us to play, and so on and so on.
He'll try and push you into talking about the *real* reason I continue to disengage -- but he only does it when he's drinking! Bait for YOU. No Win for YOU. This is not when you should be talking to him about this. Isn't it very telling that he only talks to you about serious matters, these things, etc. -- ONLY WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING!?!?!
You can bring it up or not. There are no musts in alanon. Often there is not a right or wrong. You do not have to bring it up. Like you said, you are over it. If you do want to bring it up -- talk about this in detail with your sponsor!!! This is the perfect topic, the ideal topic, to discuss with your sponsor. About here, going to meetings, etc. -- you have no obligation to do anything. None. That is up to you. If you know it will cause an argument -- then don't do it. Get past the feeling you are hiding something -- stop focusing on him. Focus on YOU. If you start going to meetings...cross that bridge then!!! Stop projecting. Talk to your sponsor about it. Stay present, in the moment, ONE DAY AT A TIME.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you all for your thoughts. It helped to reassure me that Im headed in the right direction with my thoughts and actions. Im still avoiding most conversations with him when hes drinking but I did have one actually rather productive (for ME at least) conversation with him while he was drinking this weekend. He initiated it and I agreed, but I was prepared to walk away if needed. I debated about it for a bit but ultimately, despite the drinking, the timing felt right. I felt like, in that moment, I could try to build a bridge or I could burn one down and I chose to try to build one. A small, rickety one perhaps, but still a much needed one. I hold no illusions that it really had any significant impact on him, but I needed it and it DID help me. There was no argument, there were no hurtful words or manipulative comments thrown about and most importantly, I felt like a small, but significant realization took place for him. Again, I dont believe that in and of itself will change anything for him. But it has changed something in me and I have no doubt that it will enable me to grow and learn even more.
