The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I love to do research, extra stuff, in the course of my recovery..I am surfing different recovery sites, etc., and I came upon this GREAT list on how to Respond rather than react to someone who is spoiling for a fight and drama
That's interesting.
Let me think about that.
Thank you for the information.
Thank you for supporting me.
I'll have to ponder that one.
Wow.
Hmmmmm.
Golly-gee.
Really?
You don't say.
You could be right.
I never thought of it that way.
Thanks for the feedback.
I appreciate your perspective.
That's food for thought.
I hear you.
I hear what you're saying.
I can see where you are coming from.
That's fascinating.
Sounds like you've got it under control.
I trust your ability to handle.
Maybe so.
That could be.
Let me check and get back to you.
That's one way to look at it.
I don't know; what do you think?
Oh.
Ah-ha.
and Perfectly Acceptable - Silence!!!
I've learned in the rooms of alanon/ACA that using neutral response is a great way to detach from sticky situations. When my first thought is not polite, kind, honest or useful, I consider these phrases. The more I keep my mouth shut, the more trouble and drama I am able to avoid. When silence isn't possible, I try to use neutral responses to avoid getting drawn into an argument, someone else's business or something I'm not ready to respond to in depth. this works. I've done it many times and it leaves them--SPEECHLESS, most of the time. If it does NOT work, then I just remove me from them
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Wow. I like these! If only I learn to step back and not react right away. But really it is wonderful to have choices in my behavior. I didn't think I did.
I actually read these same things when I was researching "The Gray Rock" method of dealing with an undesirable person.
I actually employed a lot of these before I left my husband. To engage with his behavior, or to try and reason with that pickled mind of his was impossible and crazy-making!
So these worked wonders for ME!
Of course, many of them frustrated him! LOL!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you rose for sharing these,
Definatly a print out,tack to my mirror.
Never realized there were so many ,so times it's a reflex reaction that comes out of me depending on situation,
Hopefully I can start incorporating these new words into my everyday life .........
I've always had trouble with these situations and phrases. For whatever reason, they most often back-fired on me, LOL.
When dealing with -- and trying to not deal with -- the alcoholic, I found those phrases sometimes were taken as -- OK, we are going to talk about this later, and when I refused because she was again drunk or still drunk, I got convicted of being a liar, uncooperative, etc. Or, she clutched onto the "fact" that I said she might be right! LOL. Or something of the like. Basically, some of these just seem to appease the alcoholic and almost prohibit me from detaching, not engaging, etc. Some people like chocolate and some like vanilla...and some people don't like ice cream. LOL.
Thanks for the insight.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
WEll, Bo, I hear ya and for me??? it depends on the person...sometimes I just remove me, but at least ONE of them will work MOST of the time....yea, you got folks who will fight/come at you for ANY reason, but these for the MOST part worked...then there were the ones, I just had to say "sorry you feel that way" and I wold remove me....I don't think there is a cookie cutter way to handle this drama queen and THAT drama king...but if I know them even a little, I can usually pick the right diffusing saying....worse case??? "thank you for your share" and I hit the bricks
Haven't had very good luck with many of these to be honest with you Rose. I typically find excusing myself and coming back a few minutes later, will help to change the focus. Depending on the circumstance, I may not come back at all. When I absolutely can't get away, I change the subject to something safer and all about them to discuss. I had such an instance during the holiday. I was hosting. We had a young person new to a legal profession visiting. They shared that they told their client that they not to use drugs on day of court. Then when telling this story acted like the person was less than because they couldn't stay drug free that day. They are an ACOA not in recovery. Even though their ignorance pained me, I minded my own business. I didn't see this as a "teaching moment." That's their hp's job not mine. I changed the subject to ask them about their new car. And because it was something about them they were pleased to talk about it. We are too long in recovery at my house to be baited so easily. Just like Alanon tells us that we can be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not, I've learned that we can also be happy even when attention seekers are acting out. I know today that keeping the peace doesn't mean I'm giving my power away. I win.. I keep my serenity. Thanks for the topic responding vs reacting. ((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
But really it is wonderful to have choices in my behavior. I didn't think I did.
Just like Alanon tells us that we can be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not, I've learned that we can also be happy even when attention seekers are acting out. I know today that keeping the peace doesn't mean I'm giving my power away. I win.. I keep my serenity. Thanks for the topic responding vs reacting. ((hugs)) TT